Ask HN: How do I get over constant failure?

It's more nuanced than this. I have worked at large companies with terrible culture, and startups with great culture. Unfortunately it's very hard to get an accurate read on the important things before actually working the job.

The polar opposite of startups is large-government.

I happen to be close to some people who work at the CDC tabulating death statistics. You know what one of their greatest success stories over the past few years was?

Updating their death-reporting from once-per-year to once-per-month (albeit preliminary / unreliable statistics, but monthly reports nonetheless). They still revise the numbers up to a year out but it turns out that having this project done _BEFORE_ COVID19 hit helped a lot, since decision makers at the White House (and other parts of the country) got the statistics they needed faster.

And before you say its easy: the 50 states have 50 different death certificates. The information is standardized but the data-entry and reporting methodologies are non-standard. Plus territories (ex: Wash DC, Puerto Rico, Guam also have their own death certificates). Pushing for more standardization (ex: the rules for how to report COVID19 deaths and on what line) and pushing that training out to doctors also results in partisan bickering, as you might expect.

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Doing these kinds of things is a massive undertaking in general. If computers were easy, everyone would do it. A lot of it is just growing up and realizing that the Iron Man movies you watched 10 years ago are unrealistic crap, and that the daily grind to make small bits of progress are hugely important.

Other bits are to truly celebrate these accomplishments, even in the face of widespread disdain. There's a ton of people giving crap about the CDC's death statistics with regards to COVID19 (some legitimate criticisms due to the accelerated release schedule they've got behind monthly statistics). But a lot of the criticism is just partisan bickering that no one really takes seriously. Everyone basically agrees that monthly-reporting (though less accurate) is better than waiting a whole year.

Still, its hard to argue against progress or the usefulness of this "monthly death statistic reporting" project. Originally created in response to Hurricane Maria (where US Newspapers reported a different death number than the CDC), the whole project was launched just in time for COVID19 (and was online for part of the opioid epidemic as well).

EDIT: That goes to show what a "real success" is like. Its like lighting in a movie: if you do it perfectly, no one notices. If you make the slightest mistake, a ton of people online make a big stink about it. High risk, low / non-existent reward. But its hard to deny the importance of the project. This is the prototypical "easy job but not really" scenario, everyone just expect it to get done, people don't really realize how hard it is to do (50+ states with 50+ different formats. In the case of the Opioid Epidemic, there was new language being used on Death Certificates that didn't exist before, words like Fentanyl, and people just expected the CDC system to automagically detect these words, new-misspellings and collate results together despite no one actually asking for that feature, etc. etc.)

I tried this - I taught myself Rust and Scala, built several prototypes, it was all kind of satisfying for a while until I came back to the fact that none of it translates to job security. I can sit in a corner by myself and build things nobody uses, but it's not going to keep me employed.

1. You have imposter syndrome (the “fear” you describe). The good news is, this is totally normal, most people have it and it never goes away. You just have to ignore it and eventually you will get good at ignoring it.

The proof of this is that you describe being worried that you can’t work in tech, yet clearly have managed to get several tech jobs and so far (as far as you described) have not been fired or even laid off. So you objectively can work in tech and should just stop listing to the internal voice that says you can’t.

2. Consider that “tech” is not a monolithic culture, and it’s entirely possible (especially at earlier stage startups, but even at FANG) to have several unlucky experiences in a row.

3. You current job situation is unfortunate, but once you relax and ignore the fear of failure, it’s still a pretty good situation. You have a job at a company you’re excited about working with people you respect. So far you haven’t been fired or put on a performance plan. If the company is unhappy with your output it is up to them to tell you, and you shouldn’t decide you are a failure before they do so.

You didn’t say anything about your new manager, but you should ask them what is a priority for you to work on, and focus on shipping something (anything) aligned with that priority. One project at a time. Don’t spread yourself too thin, or give up on the project because you can’t find someone to approve the PR. Have a singular focus and keep knocking down doors until you finish it.

4. You need to learn to live with setbacks in life and your career. The best way to do this is to get a hobby (outside of work/tech) that is easy to succeed at, such as exercise. E.g. to succeed at running or cycling you just have to put one foot in front of the other, and leave the house a few times per week. This can do wonders to take your mind off professional setbacks.

5. (Edit after reading some of your other comments in the thread) Stop comparing yourself to others (and possibly take a break from social media, especially LinkedIn, if that is the source of your comparisons). There are always going to be people massively more successful in life. Even if you get promoted and write a book and found a startup there are still going to be people way more successful than you and you will still feel like a failure if you constantly compare yourself to them. Also, lots of those people who present themselves as super successful and happy on social media are actually deeply unhappy. That is not your goal.

PS. Happy to DM or chat about specifics if you want to reach out (email in profile).

Sounds like you hit the lottery with that one startup and got promoted to a level far above your competence. Common problem. Truly senior people and true startup people do not struggle to find projects and contribute PRs. Find a job at an appropriately junior level at a real company. (FAANG will downlevel you appropriately.) Learn some real skills then try the startup thing again in a few years if you want.