Thank you for your thoughtful feedback. We understand you're experiencing some growing pains on-boarding the product, but are confident you will soon come to love and appreciate the unique quirks your Small Child.
I've shared your concerns with our engineers and they've made a few suggestions I'd like to pass along:
1) Have you read the documentation? It sounds like you've reversed the direction of the Storytelling port.
2) High-pitched scream notifications are locked in the stock ROM. They prevent you and your Small Child from remaining in Sleep Mode beyond the rated limits. Per your request I've submitted a priority ticket to adjust those limits, and we expect to push an update in roughly 13 years time to default your Small Child to Silent Mode and implement extended Sleep capabilities.
3) Your Small Child's visual design was inherited from the fusion of two disparate legacy platforms, both with outdated graphics. Although the resultant "look and feel" is a bit clunky, perhaps even unseemly in places, rest assured our highly acclaimed design team is hard at work on a complete UI overhaul. Our roadmap follows the industry-leading Tik-Tok model, and just like your favorite OS, periodic cosmetic refreshes will decorate the canvas with more diverse visual elements including tailored themes, customized styles and individualized artwork rendered in perpetuity on ink-enabled skins.
You mentioned "less is more". You might consider the Young Adult upgrade pack which includes a more minimalistic, uncluttered theme. It's still in beta, however, and some users have reported unwanted activation and missing overlays when their unit is left in proximity with other similarly upgraded models.
4) The UI-string translation mistakes you encountered are a result of outsourcing to a third party. We cannot warranty development that did not take place in-house.
4) To meet your aggressive delivery deadlines we shipped a Minimal Viable Product. We appreciate you relaying the roadbumps you encountered during your user journey. You can expect improvements over time as we tweak the internal systems and fill in missing features. In particular, we're investigating the inconsistent poop latency you reported and believe it's the result of a race condition. An interim patch comprising a disposable posterior accessory is available in the meantime to users on a subscription plan.
5) Some of the bug reports you've filed have been closed and marked as "Could not reproduce", in spite of repeated efforts by our overworked and exhausted QA team. But don't fret - our latest platform collects enhanced user telemetry and will automatically broadcast it to servers hosted by a third-party when you and your other stakeholder commence the v2.0 initiative later this year.
Thanks again for reaching out to us!