Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Loving Someone with Depression

mentalhealth.org.uk

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

291–300 of 304 posts

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#291

Post by sudosteph »

ativzzz wrote: post #272
sudosteph wrote: post #141

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah, I did put my hope in Jesus and turn to Christianity. I didn't consider myself spiritual either beforehand. I never did psychedelics or believed in anything supernatural, or believed in some higher power or meaning before I made the decision to believe in Jesus' claims. It was a decision based on evaluating the state of my own self, and evaluating Jesus and his words. Though to give some background, even when I…

Thanks for the response! Might be something I need to explore at some point since I'm struggling with overall purpose for life.

For sure! I know I dropped a couple of book recs in the comment above, but if you ever want more, or just to talk/ask questions feel free to reach out. My email is my HN username at gmail.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#292

Post by R0b0t1 »

r_hoods_ghost wrote: post #165
R0b0t1 wrote: post #136

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I see a lot of people talking about their bipolar diagnosis that has no or very little manic component. Why call it bipolar then? It's just cyclical major depression.

Because it's not just cyclical major depression (and there's no "just" to major depression either, but that's another rant). The diagnostic criteria for bipolar is that you have had at least one extended episode of mania or hypomania alongside a depressive episode, so you're not going to have the diagnosis unless you've been manic or hypomanic at some point. Although it may not be a major or dominant part of someone'…

It seems very dangerous to diagnose as such. Perhaps someone gets depressed every three months near end of quarter when their hours get cut?

Once someone demonstrably has issues with mania, yes, sure, I understand wanting to prevent it, but in a lot of cases I see very little separation from actual mania and "I felt good one day" (which if someone were depressed may feel very weird).

There's also strong arguments that one or two manic or hypomanic episodes are not enough evidence for a bipolar diagnosis.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#293

Post by bpiche »

aantix wrote: post #102
khazhoux wrote: post #24

A bit surprised no one's broached this question: At what point is it OK to leave your depressed partner? I know someone who left his depressed spouse of over 25 years. He loved her and tried to make it work, but eventually chose happiness for himself, for the second half of his life. He left her alone and essentially friendless. No easy answers there.

Dido wrote the song "Quiet Times" about this topic.. "Now I miss you, Now I want you, But I can't have you, Even when you're here" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SOd-rz8lDXQ&list=PLhMrEC5L8T...

Wow, that's a great song. Thanks for sharing that.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#294

Post by izhak »

fleddr wrote: post #287
izhak wrote: post #163

This is so fucking desperate. This whole thing is so fucking fucked up. Somebody I love has been in depression for almost a year. I tried everything, including this suggested "stay with them in the dark until they are better, oh wait that time could never come, but you do stay there with them nevertheless". Thanks for the "advice". That's what I've been doing. It's draining and it's killing me. Burning out through su…

I couldn't agree more, the article is hopelessly naive and assumes that the partner simply has an unlimited amount of (mental) energy and patience to try and handle somebody with a mental illness. And worse, you're not "allowed" to actually help, you should leave them in the dark and absorb their negativity. The fact that this negativity reflects on yourself seems to be of no interest to the author.

exactly

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#295

Post by dempseye »

steve_adams_86 wrote: post #277
dempseye wrote: post #224

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The whole "I need to do better because I have ADHD" thing sounds like a narrative she uses to gaslight you into being her slave. All the focus in your post is on your duties, not on hers. I obviously don't know your relationship from the inside, but I experienced similar and it was relief to get away from it.

You might be onto something. I know my friends and family hate to watch it, and my gut feelings often contradict my eventual actions. I know there are unhealthy elements at play, and I'm guilty of perpetuating some of it. These relationships aren't one sided. I think a major complication is that she's somewhat manic in that she has highs and lows. Her lows are extremely low. When she's higher though, she can be very…

Whatever your faults, and I'm sure you have some, gaslighting is abuse and you shouldn't put up with it.

If you don't have kids, you should leave her. People's characters don't usually change or improve.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#296

Post by robotnikman »

cm2012 wrote: post #274
robotnikman wrote: post #263

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Unfortunately going through a situation with a dog now which has led me deep into depression again. My dog which I adopted 4 months ago has resource guarding issues which has caused him to bite me and my roommates multiple times, and has unfortunately led to an ultimatum from my roommates which I got yesterday that its either me or the dog. I have tried for months working with the dog and spent thousands on training…

You're making the only and right choice. If the shelter or anyone else guilts you about it, fuck them.

Thank you. I'm happy to say though that the rescue I got him from was understanding, and he is now at the same foster home he was at before I adopted him. They assured me they will find him a good home. It still really stings, but I can at least rest assured he is in good hands

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#297

Post by steve_adams_86 »

dempseye wrote: post #295
steve_adams_86 wrote: post #277

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You might be onto something. I know my friends and family hate to watch it, and my gut feelings often contradict my eventual actions. I know there are unhealthy elements at play, and I'm guilty of perpetuating some of it. These relationships aren't one sided. I think a major complication is that she's somewhat manic in that she has highs and lows. Her lows are extremely low. When she's higher though, she can be very…

Whatever your faults, and I'm sure you have some, gaslighting is abuse and you shouldn't put up with it. If you don't have kids, you should leave her. People's characters don't usually change or improve.

We do have kids. If we didn't, I suspect I would have moved on my now. Perhaps she would have too.

There's an interesting set of perspectives around this type of problem in psychology. Whether you look at popular moderns like Alain de Botton, Jordan Peterson, ancient philosophers, religion, etc. there is a recurring theme that commitment to a person matters, and without it, things kind of fall apart.

I find this interesting and compelling. I don't expect life to be easy, and I think welcoming and anticipating challenges is very healthy. This sort of problem does straddle boundaries that I find difficult to define, though. At which point is enough enough? When do we decide the commitment is no longer warranted? How "easy" should a relationship be? If I leave, will I be foolish for seeking anything different?

Not to drag this on - I find the topic very fascinating for both personal and more general reasons. This is a problem I believe a lot of us face. If I can't sove it for myself, I'd be happy to understand it better if only to serve my friends or children eventually.

> People's characters don't usually change or improve.

I wish you were wrong, but this does seem to generally be true. There are exceptions of course, but it seems inadvisable to ever hope for it to happen. It takes incredible work, and it's work that a lot of people don't have the knowledge or tools to understand or work with. Personal growth is perhaps one of the greater challenges in life.

Anyway, thanks for the discourse. I appreciate the advice. I should make apoint to look out for myself more when I sense gaslighting is occurring.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#298

Post by dempseye »

steve_adams_86 wrote: post #297
dempseye wrote: post #295

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Whatever your faults, and I'm sure you have some, gaslighting is abuse and you shouldn't put up with it. If you don't have kids, you should leave her. People's characters don't usually change or improve.

We do have kids. If we didn't, I suspect I would have moved on my now. Perhaps she would have too. There's an interesting set of perspectives around this type of problem in psychology. Whether you look at popular moderns like Alain de Botton, Jordan Peterson, ancient philosophers, religion, etc. there is a recurring theme that commitment to a person matters, and without it, things kind of fall apart. I find this inte…

Good luck to you.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#299

Post by ineedasername »

DoreenMichele wrote: post #267
ineedasername wrote: post #265

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Reflecting back might sometimes be useful, but your particular phrasing came across as condemnation. The implication, to my reading, was judgemental: you thought they were appropriately feeling guilty but seeking outside encouragement to reject that feeling. If you're going to try your hand at prodding someone to self reflection, a more encouraging tone may be more useful. Otherwise you risk wounding someone who, in…

you thought they were appropriately feeling guilty but seeking outside encouragement to reject that feeling. No, that's not remotely my intent at all. Most people raise children on either a guilt model or shame model. I raised mine on the basis of enlightened self interest. Understandably, many people read in accusations of guilt where none exist. They've been trained that way. I'm only replying in hopes it provides…

>No, that's not remotely my intent at all.

Glad to hear that.

>Most people raise children on either a guilt model or shame model. I raised mine on the basis of enlightened self interest.

Glad to hear that too

Understandably, many people read in accusations of guilt where none exist. They've been trained that way.

Could you elaborate on that training? If that's what I'm doing, I'd like to understand the mechanism by which I came to that habit.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#300

Post by DoreenMichele »

ineedasername wrote: post #299
DoreenMichele wrote: post #267

Earlier quoted context omitted.

you thought they were appropriately feeling guilty but seeking outside encouragement to reject that feeling. No, that's not remotely my intent at all. Most people raise children on either a guilt model or shame model. I raised mine on the basis of enlightened self interest. Understandably, many people read in accusations of guilt where none exist. They've been trained that way. I'm only replying in hopes it provides…

>No, that's not remotely my intent at all. Glad to hear that. >Most people raise children on either a guilt model or shame model. I raised mine on the basis of enlightened self interest. Glad to hear that too Understandably, many people read in accusations of guilt where none exist. They've been trained that way. Could you elaborate on that training? If that's what I'm doing, I'd like to understand the mechanism by w…

It's a set of default mental models that a person gets inculcated with early in life and repeatedly reinforced over many years. There's no quick and dirty cure.

If you want to sort out how you may be projecting guilt (or projecting guilting behavior) onto other people and how that came to be, you might start a journal.

On HN, the guidelines ask that we assume good faith and take a charitable reading. If you work at that, it's a good exercise in how to sort out who is actually bringing their baggage to the conversation and when it is you, yourself, bringing the baggage.

A good rule of thumb is to observe patterns of behavior. Consider the history of the person speaking whom you seek to judge and consider your own patterns.

I sometimes downvote something on HN and then wonder if it's me, if I really have enough info to judge the comment or if I'm being lazy and reactive without adequate info to properly judge it. If I think "I don't really know that they are behaving badly like I think they are. I'm kind of leaping to conclusions here." I will reverse the downvote.

I usually am trying to understand a comment as best I can from their point of view while respecting myself and why I see it that way. Sometimes it's just not worth hashing out.

There isn't enough time in the day to really understand every random internet stranger, their life story, their personal history, their culture. Sometimes it's better to just drop it as the least worst answer I have in an imperfect world and an imperfect life with a limited amount of time on this earth.

There are people who spend years in therapy tracking down the defects in their own patterns of thought. It's not something that typically gets fixed in a "once and done" fashion.

Though sometimes it does get fixed that way. Sometimes just having the right thing said does make a person go "I did not know that about myself (or about how life works)." And they are permanently changed for the better without a lot of drama.

I feel like this is probably what people mean when they speak of seeking enlightenment -- that magical aha! moment that doesn't hurt and makes everything better forever.

Best of luck in your journey.

Post reply on HN