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Loving Someone with Depression

mentalhealth.org.uk

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Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#251

Post by fleddr »

Broken_Hippo wrote: post #152
codeafin wrote: post #49

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Glad to see this, as someone who has almost only been with people with depression, this article was a very aggressive "You're not doing enough, you're doing it wrong, you're not trying hard enough, you should be doing better" which is hypocritical. The post did not come from a place of compassion or support, but entitlement. This article doesn't understand how hard it is to listen to hours, days, months, years of a p…

This honestly just sounds like you dislike modern society and have serious misgivings about what mental illness does to people. Your list of behaviors illustrates this: - Sleep small amounts of absurd hours A small amount of research will let you know this isn't necessarily a sign of depression, even if you witness it in others. Many folks sleep entirely too much instead. Not only that, but this is easily something o…

I can't believe you're trying to justify and normalize that entire list. It literally means you ignore every basic function of your body, and consequently your mind.

It's a zombie lifestyle. Exercise isn't a cure-all because reasons and people have no shoes. What!?

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#252

Post by hvs »

Gene_Parmesan wrote: post #182
joeman1000 wrote: post #143

Earlier quoted context omitted.

God this sounds like my life right now. I’m glad your wife got help. How did you keep positive and healthy? And how did your wife come to see the problem?

> And how did your wife come to see the problem? Making someone "see the problem" is missing the point entirely. Firstly because often, people with depression are fully aware of how they are treating people. They simply can't help it. Your role as a partner is to love and support them. You also, however, need to prioritize your own mental health and happiness. There is an extremely common relationship 'trap,' one I'v…

This is the best comment in the thread. So many people are in love with "the person when they aren't depressed." But that isn't the whole person. Depression is not something "happening" to a person, it is part of them (I say this as someone with depression and general anxiety disorder). That's not to say I don't work to improve my lot. I take medication, meditate, etc. But it is always there. It always will be. Thankfully, I have a loving partner who understands that. It's not always easy on her, of course, but she knows that it is part of who I am.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#253

Post by asveikau »

r_hoods_ghost wrote: post #165
R0b0t1 wrote: post #136

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I see a lot of people talking about their bipolar diagnosis that has no or very little manic component. Why call it bipolar then? It's just cyclical major depression.

Because it's not just cyclical major depression (and there's no "just" to major depression either, but that's another rant). The diagnostic criteria for bipolar is that you have had at least one extended episode of mania or hypomania alongside a depressive episode, so you're not going to have the diagnosis unless you've been manic or hypomanic at some point. Although it may not be a major or dominant part of someone'…

Just a small thing, I believe you don't need a depressive episode for a bipolar I diagnosis. For bipolar 2 I think yes.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#254

Post by hvs »

ra-mos wrote: post #212
GlenTheMachine wrote: post #20

Depression can also manifest in different ways. One way is anger, frustration, and anxiety. My wife’s depression was like this. She would come home from work, find one thing wrong with our apartment - there were dirty dishes in the sink, the clothes hadn’t been folded - and get angry with me for not having taken care of it. The fact that I had cooked dinner and mopped the floors didn’t count. She was angry with me pr…

This and all the comments with similar experiences really just put a negative light on marriage.

Marriage is spending your life with someone else. Life has it's good and bad, just like marriage. You can decide for yourself what you are willing to do deal with and what you aren't, but "marriage" isn't the issue.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#255

Post by hvs »

brandyalexxx wrote: post #219
codeafin wrote: post #49

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Glad to see this, as someone who has almost only been with people with depression, this article was a very aggressive "You're not doing enough, you're doing it wrong, you're not trying hard enough, you should be doing better" which is hypocritical. The post did not come from a place of compassion or support, but entitlement. This article doesn't understand how hard it is to listen to hours, days, months, years of a p…

Going through a pretty rough time mentally and I just came here to say that I concur. My sleep's out of whack, have been eating too much junk since mid-December, too much consumption and no creation, avoidance of work, the stress of piled up work and still not doing anything about it, haven't regularly exercised since 2-3 months now, daily caffeine intake. Everything feeds into everything. It has become a vicious cyc…

I know exactly how you feel and have been there. It's important to adjust your thinking from "I need to break out of it and I keep failing" to celebrating the individual moments you succeed. One day at a time, as it were. Don't think "I need to start exercising regularly" just do something, go for a walk, lift weights, etc. Don't worry if you are going to do it tomorrow or the next day. You did it today. Good habits aren't things that "start" they occur because you just did something today, and you happened to do it the next, etc. until you just do it because it's a habit now.

I know it's hard, and I have to remind myself of the same things all the time. But I'm successful when I get out of my head and start acting.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#256

Post by petercooper »

GlenTheMachine wrote: post #20

Depression can also manifest in different ways. One way is anger, frustration, and anxiety. My wife’s depression was like this. She would come home from work, find one thing wrong with our apartment - there were dirty dishes in the sink, the clothes hadn’t been folded - and get angry with me for not having taken care of it. The fact that I had cooked dinner and mopped the floors didn’t count. She was angry with me pr…

If you are the partner of a depressed person, your primary responsibility is to yourself. You have to stay sane. THEN, if you can, you can support and help your partner. But if you lose your own mental health you’re pretty much done.

This paragraph reminded me of the advice given regarding oxygen masks on planes. If you can't breathe, you're of no use to anyone, so sort out your own mask before helping others, etc. The fact they have to keep reminding us of this, though, is perhaps a demonstration that this doesn't come naturally to many.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#257

Post by okareaman »

agumonkey wrote: post #150
okareaman wrote: post #10

My own major debilating depression was such that I couldn't get out of bed other than to use the toilet. Worse than that I could see no reason to get out of bed and didn't care to get out of bed. Taking a shower and getting dressed was out of the question. I knew the strain I was causing in my family, but since I didn't feel anything, I couldn't feel enough empathy for them to do anything about it. I knew I used to l…

I have a question regarding crippling depression. When I hit the wall, I never got fully bed ridden, I was able to force myself out (also the fact that my heart couldn't operate well when horizontal gave me another reason). I had to mentally plan, calculate and monitor every move (moving one finger, grabbing a spoon) sluggishly. But at times my brain just ..shut. I would collapse on a table.. not due to fatigue or pa…

Yes, I've experienced that while locked up in the psyche ward. My brain just shut down. I would stare at the food at the end of my fork for what seemed like 10's of minutes. I didn't care. I knew I was in a safe place so I just went with it. It feels like the biochemical equivalent of a dead battery. They gave me a drug cocktail (I don't know what) that restored me to normal function.

Part of my motivation of writing my original comment was because I realized that the author of the article made a mistake. I'm not blaming the author because I've made the same mistake and I've seen it made often. I never really thought about it much. The mistake is trying to explain depression in terms the non-depressed family could understand. He even used that common metaphor of being in a dark tunnel. Everyone can relate to being in a dark tunnel, right? That's the problem. Then they think of terms that they can relate to and are more tempted to blame the depressed person for not just "getting up" like they've done when they were in a dark tunnel.

It occurred to me without really being conscious of it that the correct way to describe depression is in terms they do not understand. That way they'd see depression correctly, as something really abnormal and serious. I wanted to show that the depressed person was incapable of thinking in any way helpful for others or themselves. I wanted them to see it like you might see a man sitting on the tracks when a train is approaching and not only refusing to move, but seeming disinterested in it and almost content to die. It's shocking but it's true. It's so far out of the normal band, unlike the dark tunnel. Family are not powerless and should get into action. Push that man off the track!

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#258

Post by ycombinete »

ciphol wrote: post #214
ra-mos wrote: post #212

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This and all the comments with similar experiences really just put a negative light on marriage.

...to a mentally ill person. Marriage means you share your spouse's life and well-being. Often for better, sometimes for worse.

My mother has often said that “a parent is only ever as happy as their least happy child”. I think the same sentiment holds true for marriages.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#259

Post by GreenWatermelon »

cm2012 wrote: post #81
magpi3 wrote: post #21

I think the overarching message with this post is right on whenever you are talking to someone who is struggling: listen, love, and don't judge. A hug is much better than a suggestion on how the family member can "fix" themselves. I also want to put a plug in for dogs. I have struggled with depression on and off in my life, and two years ago I adopted a dog I saw being abused in the street. She was just a little pupp…

Just want to say that dogs are not a magical panacea. I've seen them make life worse for depressed people (many dogs have behavioral problems that a depressed person is not equipped to deal with). If you're on the fence about taking on the responsibility of pet ownership, I'd lean towards the side of not getting one. Some of the problems I've seen with people who've adopted dogs: 1) One dog got scared by a loud firew…

For these reasons, I recommend cats for those who can't deal with a dog's needs. Cats give no less love than a dog, and much easier to maintain and keep happy.

Cats aren't perfect for someone who's not home for a long portion of the day, or who likes going out too much, though I Assume someone with depression doesn't go out much to begin with.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#260

Post by agumonkey »

okareaman wrote: post #257
agumonkey wrote: post #150

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have a question regarding crippling depression. When I hit the wall, I never got fully bed ridden, I was able to force myself out (also the fact that my heart couldn't operate well when horizontal gave me another reason). I had to mentally plan, calculate and monitor every move (moving one finger, grabbing a spoon) sluggishly. But at times my brain just ..shut. I would collapse on a table.. not due to fatigue or pa…

Yes, I've experienced that while locked up in the psyche ward. My brain just shut down. I would stare at the food at the end of my fork for what seemed like 10's of minutes. I didn't care. I knew I was in a safe place so I just went with it. It feels like the biochemical equivalent of a dead battery. They gave me a drug cocktail (I don't know what) that restored me to normal function. Part of my motivation of writing…

I wasn't even staring void, I actually folded on the table. Biochemical dead battery is close, because it's really snappy like an on/off switch, but in my case it was also above the somatic layer. The idea in my mind just before was that "there's no more path to follow, no more things in the list, sorry... closing".
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