Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Loving Someone with Depression

mentalhealth.org.uk

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

221–230 of 304 posts

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#221

Post by solididiot »

YXNjaGVyZWdlbgo wrote: post #35
okareaman wrote: post #10

My own major debilating depression was such that I couldn't get out of bed other than to use the toilet. Worse than that I could see no reason to get out of bed and didn't care to get out of bed. Taking a shower and getting dressed was out of the question. I knew the strain I was causing in my family, but since I didn't feel anything, I couldn't feel enough empathy for them to do anything about it. I knew I used to l…

Hey, you are not alone with BP and there is a really great BP discord server. We have real support groups running two times a day. I encourage everyone with BP to join it. https://discord.gg/rbipolar2

thanks for sharing that

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#222

Post by ordu »

labster wrote: post #131
donatj wrote: post #97

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Every piece of this rings so true to my own experience. My wife suffers clinical depression. It has been no joke the biggest challenge of my entire life. When it is under control, life is great. When it's not, it's not. We've been through many meds and doctors and therapists. We're in a decently stable place right now, but there's always a fear in the back of my mind "but for how long". Her previous meds worked for y…

I have a relative, who, every three or four years, decided that this time her bipolar disorder really was cured! And so she’d stop taking her medication and feel really, really good for a few months. And then the inevitable crash happened and she spent a few months in hospital. The last time was different though. In her seventies, her body couldn’t take the strain again. And now she’s in a long term care facility for…

> Moral of the story: if you want to go off your meds, make sure a doctor is keeping an eye on you. No matter how good the good times feel.

It might just not work with bipolar. If bipolar person go manic, then reckless behavior, overconfidence, and unlimited optimism may beat any moral of this kind.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#223

Post by sitta »

Gene_Parmesan wrote: post #182
joeman1000 wrote: post #143

Earlier quoted context omitted.

God this sounds like my life right now. I’m glad your wife got help. How did you keep positive and healthy? And how did your wife come to see the problem?

> And how did your wife come to see the problem? Making someone "see the problem" is missing the point entirely. Firstly because often, people with depression are fully aware of how they are treating people. They simply can't help it. Your role as a partner is to love and support them. You also, however, need to prioritize your own mental health and happiness. There is an extremely common relationship 'trap,' one I'v…

> The best tool for this is something called "loving detachment." I'd recommend you read about it, and about the concept of co-dependency in general

Do you have any resources that you'd care to recommend? I've found it challenging to find good resources. I find recommendations like the one in this article, "just listen", to be profoundly unhelpful.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#224

Post by dempseye »

steve_adams_86 wrote: post #110
GlenTheMachine wrote: post #20

Depression can also manifest in different ways. One way is anger, frustration, and anxiety. My wife’s depression was like this. She would come home from work, find one thing wrong with our apartment - there were dirty dishes in the sink, the clothes hadn’t been folded - and get angry with me for not having taken care of it. The fact that I had cooked dinner and mopped the floors didn’t count. She was angry with me pr…

My wife does this too. Granted, I’m diagnosed with ADHD, but when it comes to chores I’m kind of battle-hardened and quite diligent. I found trying to get ahead of chores very demoralizing and exhausting. My wife hasn’t found a solution yet. She will sleep in until 11 on a weekend and get out of bed only to get upset with what hasn’t yet been done. She does very little with herself outside of work. Like your wife, an…

The whole "I need to do better because I have ADHD" thing sounds like a narrative she uses to gaslight you into being her slave.

All the focus in your post is on your duties, not on hers.

I obviously don't know your relationship from the inside, but I experienced similar and it was relief to get away from it.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#225

Post by tduberne »

GlenTheMachine wrote: post #20

Depression can also manifest in different ways. One way is anger, frustration, and anxiety. My wife’s depression was like this. She would come home from work, find one thing wrong with our apartment - there were dirty dishes in the sink, the clothes hadn’t been folded - and get angry with me for not having taken care of it. The fact that I had cooked dinner and mopped the floors didn’t count. She was angry with me pr…

(Before anything: sorry if that nessage comes accross as insensitive, this is not the purpose. More on this at the end)

Your situation sounds like the textbook description of depression as caused by "mental distortions" from proponents of CBT. Did your wife consult a CBT practitioner, and did this help?

I am in no way trying to say I know the solution to your (past) problems, but CBT is sometimes described in a bit too enthusiastic terms by its proponents, and your story sounds like an opportunity to get anecdotal evidence on how much it might actually work in practice. In particular TEAM-CBT proponents claim to be able to cure depression in a session (and then continue to accompany the person through the innevitable relapses). I love their very data-oriented approach, but find it too good to be 100% true.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#226

Post by gjulianm »

noduerme wrote: post #217
gjulianm wrote: post #202

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Or, no more so than a woman staying with a man who takes his depression out on her. Which is a very dangerous thing, indeed. So by your own words, you agree that telling men to stay with women who take their depression out on them is a dangerous thing. > One of which is that men who can't hold their shit together are by definition more dangerous and harmful than women who can't. By which definition? You're complete…

Quoted post unavailable.

What do you mean by dangerous? Violent? Or what?

> than the prevalent young male attitudes that expose them to the same violence than males approach other males with.

Honestly, I don’t know which reality you live in but if anything violence in regular relationships is being shunned and denormalized more and more.

Also, you can’t keep the “good parts” of sexism and hope the bad ones (such as domestic violence) disappear.

And I never said dangerous and sexist are the same thing. They’re different, and your argument is both of them.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#227

Post by Den-vr »

emptysongglass wrote: post #203
YXNjaGVyZWdlbgo wrote: post #35

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Hey, you are not alone with BP and there is a really great BP discord server. We have real support groups running two times a day. I encourage everyone with BP to join it. https://discord.gg/rbipolar2

Anyone who reads this who also knows a community for Borderline people, I'd appreciate it! I'm one of the few Borderline people I know who sought out therapy (most actively reject it, choosing to believe the lies our mind tells us that our problems are the problems of others) and seeking a community of those so afflicted also in recovery.

That'd be really helpful. I hope there is one.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#228

Post by tcgv »

teekert wrote: post #207

I think it is also very difficult to decide when enough is enough for the partner. Someone close to me went through this, and there comes a point where you have to be honest and ask yourself: "Do I want to live like this for another 5-10 years?", "Do I want my children to learn that this is the normal?". Or, is it time to look ahead, find a partner that adds energy to your and your children's life. Love can be strong…

These are indeed though questions. In one hand we care for and have a responsibility for our partner, we wish them well, we try hard to help lift them up, to get them the adequate care they need. On the other hand how could we have known beforehand that this was how the relationship was going to be? How much are we willing to sacrifice for trying to improve things? The more time the couple spends together, the harder it will be to part ways.

In the end I believe the answers to these questions will vary a lot depending on each specific situation, there's no "right" answer. Sometimes you will want to stick to it, and you'll be able to overcome these challenges together. Other times you might not be so luck. All in all if you decide to part ways do so peacefully and respectfully to your partner, and if possible check on him/her every once in a while if that's not too harsh for you.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#229

Post by kayodelycaon »

joshgrib wrote: post #215
kayodelycaon wrote: post #75

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It is hard to tell and most people don’t know what to look for. And I don’t expect them to. The problem is people do whatever they think will help instead of listening.

Something that's helped me in this situation is to explicitly tell people "I'm only looking for someone to listen please don't suggest anything to help". Otherwise as you said people want to help, and generally if someone is telling you an issue they are looking for a solution. It can feel weird sometimes, but I think you get way better outcomes when the person knows how you want them to respond. Then you don't have…

This is basically what I do with friends in private. Works well. :)

The problem I run into outside of controlled situations is the same one I have with my dairy allergy. I can’t eat the food at most social events. This either makes people uncomfortable or they feel sorry for me. Then they expect me to make them feel better about my allergy.

Adjust for any number of things.

Anyone with ADHD ends up getting asked “have you tried writing a todo list” no matter how hard they try to avoid it.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#230

Post by noduerme »

gjulianm wrote: post #226
noduerme wrote: post #217

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Quoted post unavailable.

What do you mean by dangerous? Violent? Or what? > than the prevalent young male attitudes that expose them to the same violence than males approach other males with. Honestly, I don’t know which reality you live in but if anything violence in regular relationships is being shunned and denormalized more and more. Also, you can’t keep the “good parts” of sexism and hope the bad ones (such as domestic violence) disappe…

No post body was provided.
Post reply on HN