This is not constructive advice. It is a heck of a lot more complicated than this is making it out to be. You wouldn't leave your loved one with a broken leg until the "found their own way" to the doctor.
Loving Someone with Depression
101–110 of 304 posts
Re: Loving Someone with Depression
#102A bit surprised no one's broached this question: At what point is it OK to leave your depressed partner? I know someone who left his depressed spouse of over 25 years. He loved her and tried to make it work, but eventually chose happiness for himself, for the second half of his life. He left her alone and essentially friendless. No easy answers there.
Dido wrote the song "Quiet Times" about this topic..
"Now I miss you,
Now I want you,
But I can't have you,
Even when you're here"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SOd-rz8lDXQ&list=PLhMrEC5L8T...
Re: Loving Someone with Depression
#103There is some good points in here, but the advice about not trying to drag someone out of the tunnel is off.
Ive been very depressed and had very depressed friends. Getting then outside, on walks, with friends, and doing the things they like again is very useful. Even it it doesn't do anything that day going through the motions is useful. Depressed people don't feel like doing anything they'll have to do things they don't want to or they'll never leave the bed.
Re: Loving Someone with Depression
#104Depression can also manifest in different ways. One way is anger, frustration, and anxiety. My wife’s depression was like this. She would come home from work, find one thing wrong with our apartment - there were dirty dishes in the sink, the clothes hadn’t been folded - and get angry with me for not having taken care of it. The fact that I had cooked dinner and mopped the floors didn’t count. She was angry with me pr…
Going to take a different, probably controversial perspective on this. (But this is my pseudo anon account so whatever;) I had a similar thing happen with my long time girlfriend, 5+ years. She had a rough childhood and covid measures eventually made her suicidal as we graduated college. Eventually she got treatment, and is doing better (yay!). This is all great other than the meds have now evened her out too much. S…
> have some side effects that have effected us.
I assume part of this is the typical effect that she now has almost no libido
Re: Loving Someone with Depression
#105I remember starting to dip into mental health issues several months ago. Sadly, unlike some of the commentators here, my family ignored my requests for help. It wasn’t a typical depression, and as I came to learn last month, had a neurological component. This news combined with my other symptoms makes me feel like I’m covid long hauling. If anything, I was/am depressed at my inability to do stuff like I used to be able to. Therapy is helping me a lot with the situation.
My boyfriend also happens to be fighting depression right now. It’s been a very weird time for the both of us learning about our conditions and how to navigate them, but we’re making it through. Plus I know one thing for certain.
He puts a smile on my face. c:
Thank you for sharing this article, and thank you everyone else for your stories too!
Re: Loving Someone with Depression
#106A bit surprised no one's broached this question: At what point is it OK to leave your depressed partner? I know someone who left his depressed spouse of over 25 years. He loved her and tried to make it work, but eventually chose happiness for himself, for the second half of his life. He left her alone and essentially friendless. No easy answers there.
[deleted]
Re: Loving Someone with Depression
#107A bit surprised no one's broached this question: At what point is it OK to leave your depressed partner? I know someone who left his depressed spouse of over 25 years. He loved her and tried to make it work, but eventually chose happiness for himself, for the second half of his life. He left her alone and essentially friendless. No easy answers there.
I left a partner who has OCD and probably some other issues that cause massive mood swings and make her do a lot of irrational things. I tried for years to help and be understanding. It never really got better, never ending ending, often self-made problems kept coming and it reached a point where I felt either we go both down or I have to leave. So I left. I feel guilty to some degree but it was also clear that I couldn't help. The interesting part is that me leaving her seems to have woken her up and she has a much better attitude now.
This makes me wonder if putting people with mental problems into a new situation away from family can break some of the negative patterns. My sister used to live with my parents for many years, barely left the home besides for work and in general just hated life. Then she went to a six month stationery treatment and you could see with very visit how she did better. Now she has her own place and an OK life . Maybe family or partners can prolong mental problems? Even if they want to help it's possible they are also contributing to the problem.
Re: Loving Someone with Depression
#108A bit surprised no one's broached this question: At what point is it OK to leave your depressed partner? I know someone who left his depressed spouse of over 25 years. He loved her and tried to make it work, but eventually chose happiness for himself, for the second half of his life. He left her alone and essentially friendless. No easy answers there.
I did this. It was, by far, the hardest decision of my life. Years later I still silently feel guilty beyond anything and wonder deeply if it was the right choice. The reaction of my friends, parents and colleagues was something along the lines of "at last!" as they only saw me as a martyr who always "compromised" and put up with large costs, financially, emotionally, and with no reward other than being yelled at a l…
"As far as I can tell, my departure promoted her to re evaluate her life, and explore other hobbies and activities. I chose to believe that this has been a net force for good for both parties. "
That has been my experience too when I left my partner.
Re: Loving Someone with Depression
#109Earlier quoted context omitted.
I don’t think everyone sees marriage the same way. Vows are not morally or legally binding. It’s good if people want to take them seriously but people leave each other for lesser things than decades long depression.
Vows are absolutely morally binding. That's why they are taken. But they are taken together, mutually.
Not everyone does English, christian vows. Most people in the world don't.
Re: Loving Someone with Depression
#110Depression can also manifest in different ways. One way is anger, frustration, and anxiety. My wife’s depression was like this. She would come home from work, find one thing wrong with our apartment - there were dirty dishes in the sink, the clothes hadn’t been folded - and get angry with me for not having taken care of it. The fact that I had cooked dinner and mopped the floors didn’t count. She was angry with me pr…
My wife does this too. Granted, I’m diagnosed with ADHD, but when it comes to chores I’m kind of battle-hardened and quite diligent. I found trying to get ahead of chores very demoralizing and exhausting.
My wife hasn’t found a solution yet. She will sleep in until 11 on a weekend and get out of bed only to get upset with what hasn’t yet been done. She does very little with herself outside of work.
Like your wife, any compliment is actually an insult. That sort of dynamic definitely complicates kindling or maintaining romance.
I remind myself that it’s worse for her than it is for me. I’m also grateful for the challenges it has presented because in many ways, it has made me a better person.
I do wish she was happier. For her sake and for our kid’s sakes. Life isn’t always happy though, and it all takes work. Relationships take work. With the right framing and patience these things can be worked through.
Your last point about maintaining your own mental health really is key, though. I’ve crossed that line several times and essentially developed my own depression. It’s very dangerous.
I’ve found it very helpful to reflect on what I contribute, how hard I’m working towards my duties as a partner, and how my actions meet my intentions and so on. When I can honestly tell myself I’m doing well, just about the best I can manage, I let things slide. If it’s all I can do and it isn’t good enough for someone else, I’ll still reward myself for my efforts and let the depressive ire slide off my back. Most importantly though I’ll recognize my own efforts and make sure I don’t allow myself to be pulled into thinking it isn’t good enough.