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Ask HN: How do you manage or avoid meltdowns?

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Re: Ask HN: How do you manage or avoid meltdowns?

#41

Post by muzani »

thejackgoode wrote: post #4

> No phychotherapy please. I won't go near their arrogance. No professional psychotherapist can afford to be arrogant, you might have gotten unlucky with your experience so far. They are equipped to answer exactly such questions. Psychodynamic approaches, for example, are something you might want to look into.

Yup, arrogance is a symptom of incompetency. People are loudest about the things they are unsure about. We see it all the time in our line of work - beginners are the most arrogant. But it applies to doctors, lawyers, and psychotherapists too.

Re: Ask HN: How do you manage or avoid meltdowns?

#43

Post by magicalhippo »

arrow7000 wrote: post #28
fabioborellini wrote: post #25

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Paying 15% of net income for weekly therapy sessions only to hear lameness like "you are perfect, everyone is", "there is nothing wrong with you", "you are very brave" and to discuss the news is not what I would consider responsible use for money. Like OP, there is something wrong with my daily life and I am the only person responsible of making it better. Phrases like "everything will be all right, anyway" and "you…

Not sure whether you've ever done therapy, but I have and I've had an excellent experience with it. I don't think many therapists do therapy by spouting some superficial platitudes at the client.

Based on my own experiences and of those close to me, I'd say going to a therapist which works can indeed be very, very helpful. The problem is finding a therapist that works for you.

I had one which changed job, and the replacement just did not work. I have a good friend who's finally found one, after trying five others over the span of several years. I've got some other friends who never found one that worked for them and thus never got anything out of it.

Of course, one which works for me might not work for you, it's highly individual and might even be case-specific.

Re: Ask HN: How do you manage or avoid meltdowns?

#44

Post by Ensorceled »

> No phychotherapy please. I won't go near their arrogance.

Well, psychotherapy is what worked for me. What exactly types of arrogance did you encounter with therapists? Were they certified?

You can try many of things that a therapist would suggest: cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), dialectical behavioural therapy (DBT) or just general mindfulness. Basically work on detecting when you are about to blow up and handle it.

As other posters have suggested; exercise and meditation.

> I'm talking about doing the bare minimum so that I don't cause myself and the people around me extra problems.

Bare minimum may not help here. You might have some underlying impairment of executive function like ADHD or a spectrum disorder.

Re: Ask HN: How do you manage or avoid meltdowns?

#45

Post by Ensorceled »

muzani wrote: post #41
thejackgoode wrote: post #4

> No phychotherapy please. I won't go near their arrogance. No professional psychotherapist can afford to be arrogant, you might have gotten unlucky with your experience so far. They are equipped to answer exactly such questions. Psychodynamic approaches, for example, are something you might want to look into.

Yup, arrogance is a symptom of incompetency. People are loudest about the things they are unsure about. We see it all the time in our line of work - beginners are the most arrogant. But it applies to doctors, lawyers, and psychotherapists too.

Yes, you will encounter arrogance in all those professions. Just as often a professional will be called "arrogant" for telling us what we don't want to hear.

My dad's cardiologist is one of the best doctors I've ever encountered. His online ratings are all over the place and MOST of the low ranking patients were calling him "arrogant" and "terrible bedside manner".

Re: Ask HN: How do you manage or avoid meltdowns?

#46

Post by smoyer »

You're too old to be having melt-downs and it's a bad example to set for your relatively new child. I think there are a couple clues in the description you've added above though. Sitting in a chair for hours is necessary as a software developer but that shouldn't mean sitting in one position. If you can't stand for part of your workday, at least change the position you're sitting in. The terms "shitty job" and "dead-in-the-water career" are a more pressing matter - your attitude is going to be pretty well correlated to your feelings about your job. If you can't simply change jobs, try to find a way to "make it new". One of my tricks is to "see it with new eyes" which can be practiced by driving through your town and imagining it's your first time there (I've seen things doing this that I'd simply never noticed before.) Another thing you can do is find ways to do your job that result in you learning new skills. Finally, when you're not working you should get away from your desk. Doing housework can be cathartic and getting some exercise will definitely help.

Re: Ask HN: How do you manage or avoid meltdowns?

#47

Post by davidgrenier »

It's a matter of perspective and perspective is practiced.

You are focused on positive outcomes, but those aren't under your control. Your focus should be on actions that you would expect to have positive consequences. If you've done those, you're personally off the hook as far as the outcome is concerned.

Since you are only holding yourself accountable to the actions and not the outcome, you might then have the energy to fix it later when the outcomes aren't positive.

Re: Ask HN: How do you manage or avoid meltdowns?

#48

Post by noduerme »

Ensorceled wrote: post #45
muzani wrote: post #41

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yup, arrogance is a symptom of incompetency. People are loudest about the things they are unsure about. We see it all the time in our line of work - beginners are the most arrogant. But it applies to doctors, lawyers, and psychotherapists too.

Yes, you will encounter arrogance in all those professions. Just as often a professional will be called "arrogant" for telling us what we don't want to hear. My dad's cardiologist is one of the best doctors I've ever encountered. His online ratings are all over the place and MOST of the low ranking patients were calling him "arrogant" and "terrible bedside manner".

There are a lot of great diagnosticians who are lousy human beings. If I need an x-ray I'll see that guy. If I'm going under a scalpel I'd rather have a kid who gives a shit and still values life.

The kid's probably more arrogant than the old man, too. But he's got to earn it.

Re: Ask HN: How do you manage or avoid meltdowns?

#49

Post by libertine »

fabioborellini wrote: post #25
rpodraza wrote: post #10

Not sure why you want to avoid psychotherapy. Maybe look into Gestalt therapy. Find a therapist that will help you to solve your problems, and not one that is arrogant.

Paying 15% of net income for weekly therapy sessions only to hear lameness like "you are perfect, everyone is", "there is nothing wrong with you", "you are very brave" and to discuss the news is not what I would consider responsible use for money. Like OP, there is something wrong with my daily life and I am the only person responsible of making it better. Phrases like "everything will be all right, anyway" and "you…

>Paying 15% of net income for weekly therapy sessions only to hear lameness like "you are perfect, everyone is", "there is nothing wrong with you", "you are very brave" and to discuss the news is not what I would consider responsible use for money.

Uh, that's not therapy - sounds like you've been to some "cheap" expensive therapy mate...

"you are perfect, everyone is" - this is a lie;

"there is nothing wrong with you" - another lie;

"you are very brave" - this could be a lie, most likely is;

Re: Ask HN: How do you manage or avoid meltdowns?

#50

Post by noduerme »

dotancohen wrote: post #12
noduerme wrote: post #8

Having been here a lot of times.. Fuck the client or the boss, it's important to me that I put my best work forward. Even if it makes no difference to me financially. Even if their stupid company will go down in flames. Even if I don't want to wake up tomorrow and look at their piece of shit online store / dumbass genZ insta-sales emails / customer can't click button on iphone / server collapsed because Amazon EC2 We…

I'd like to stress this: > On the other hand, consider yourself the bright spot in > the day for everyone who has no fucking clue what's going on. You've put into words the way I live. No matter how upset or angry I am, no matter how much traffic or rain was on my drive, no matter how much code was lost, I try to be the thing that people in my life look forward to. Always make other people feel better after talking t…

After looking you up, I wonder how much of this particular attitude is related to being Jewish. I sometimes feel like I'm refracting my family's misfortune in the Holocaust by making myself either unavoidably useful and friendly, or else unassailably logical. Maybe I tip too well.
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