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Ask HN: Please Give Me Advice

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Re: Ask HN: Please Give Me Advice

#61

Post by obviouslyfake »

joshxyz wrote: post #55

Hmmm wanna send me some money? I don't have money, and I may not be as miserable and unhappy as you, but I also dream of making a contribution. At the top of my head I've been wanting to do the following: - Guide local undergrads in learning web dev. Giving them access to quality learning materials means a lot, let alone letting them access free linux servers (there are $5 cheap ones at hetzner / digitalocean / vultr…

> Guide local undergrads in learning web dev

How is this useful for society? It's only useful for consulting companies, so they could sell their labour as a product at extreme markups

> What are your metrics for your impact-focused pursuits?

The amount of people benefitting from my work

> And what drugs are you on

Antidepressants

Re: Ask HN: Please Give Me Advice

#62

Post by obviouslyfake »

semi-extrinsic wrote: post #60
obviouslyfake wrote: post #24

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The saddest thing is that nobody seems to understand having depression is not my choice I don't want to be depressed no more than anyone else I don't want to be that person of which everyone thinks as depressed, it hurts

I don't know, but have you considered taking some of your time to contribute somewhere helping others, either humans, animals, or nature around you? There are even things like the Rewilding movement where you don't really need to interact with anyone in person, and you can make a very tangible meaningful change, at your own pace.

I am, but i don't know anyone who could use my help

and why would they want me to help them and not somebody else?

Re: Ask HN: Please Give Me Advice

#63

Post by joshxyz »

obviouslyfake wrote: post #19
browningstreet wrote: post #15

Earnestly I offer this suggestion: Wake up earlier than you currently do, every day. Walk somewhere a little farther than usual, if even for a cup of coffee. Repeat daily. You’ll know when.

This is honestly a good idea and it sucks to admit that my sleep cycles are a complete chaos

Interesting. How about these:

- your sleep (how deep) and meal quality (how healthy)

- your sleep and meal patterns (what hours, how consistent)

- your personal hygiene (haircut, shaving, cutting of nails)

- your presence (punctuality, quality of clothing, how you dress)

- frequency of physical activity (sports, exercise, do you still get sunlight)

- frequency of you spending time with your family, friends, lovers, and pets

Re: Ask HN: Please Give Me Advice

#64

Post by Rury »

obviouslyfake wrote: post #19
browningstreet wrote: post #15

Earnestly I offer this suggestion: Wake up earlier than you currently do, every day. Walk somewhere a little farther than usual, if even for a cup of coffee. Repeat daily. You’ll know when.

This is honestly a good idea and it sucks to admit that my sleep cycles are a complete chaos

I also recommend going to bed and getting up earlier: https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2021/05/210528114107.h...

I'd also suggest try cutting out all caffeine and stimulants (if you take any). For me, the transition took several months and caused a bit of irritability, but getting through it changed my life. No more crashes, no more anxiety, no more headaches, and now I sleep easy.

Re: Ask HN: Please Give Me Advice

#66

Post by tidbits »

I read this whole thread and your responses remind me of myself earlier this year. I dont have anything new to add, but I would like to repeat what others have said that worked for me: see a therapist, change up your environment, and come up with some long term goals. Seeing a therapist helped me identify cognitive distortions (look it up) that were problematic for me. Therapist taught me how to identify negative thoughts and behaviors through various journaling methods. Turns out negative thoughts and behaviors lead to negative emotions. I was also fortunate enough to be able to crash at my parents for a month. The change in environment was monumental in helping me break out of the negative spiral. It also helped me realize how much I love my family and gave me a long term goal to help my parents finish paying off their house. That goal drives me every day to work hard on my career and my health so that I'm around to see it achieved. I think most people see children the same way. I talked to my dad a lot about life during that month and he confirmed that was the case for him. Which is impressive considering he grew up poor, one of 12 kids, to an alcoholic father and uneducated mother in Mexico. Personally, kids arent for me, but it just highlights the human need for purpose, whatever that may be. I hope you find some meaning for your life, it's hard. Really hard. But it gets easier, just gotta keep at it :)

Re: Ask HN: Please Give Me Advice

#67

Post by blockwriter »

Nature, rendering a service to others, whatever your understanding of service is, and art are the only substances I know of that are powerful enough and work at a basic enough level to console the despondent. Think about what this excludes. It excludes the pursuit of money. It excludes accolades. It excludes interminable self-analysis. If you seem to find a high functioning service, like contributions to open source projects, or a startup, purposeless, try offering the most basic types of service. Give the hungry food. Give the naked clothing. When you speak with someone next, do not merely interact in a way that leads expressly to your purpose and the conclusion of the encounter, but rather take their present experience into consideration and say something they will remember because it comes from a place of care. Offer care and you will find yourself fluent in the language of caring.

Re: Ask HN: Please Give Me Advice

#68

Post by joshxyz »

obviouslyfake wrote: post #61
joshxyz wrote: post #55

Hmmm wanna send me some money? I don't have money, and I may not be as miserable and unhappy as you, but I also dream of making a contribution. At the top of my head I've been wanting to do the following: - Guide local undergrads in learning web dev. Giving them access to quality learning materials means a lot, let alone letting them access free linux servers (there are $5 cheap ones at hetzner / digitalocean / vultr…

> Guide local undergrads in learning web dev How is this useful for society? It's only useful for consulting companies, so they could sell their labour as a product at extreme markups > What are your metrics for your impact-focused pursuits? The amount of people benefitting from my work > And what drugs are you on Antidepressants

> How is this useful for society? It's only useful for consulting companies, so they could sell their labour as a product at extreme markups

Right, that's one way to see it.

Another way I see it is they get to learn some practical skills that let them build / create / craft things with their own hands with the limited resources they have. Could be used for earning money, if not, simply for creating stuff for people to see and experience (some people call it "art").

Another part of it is it opens doors for them, different avenues like being exposed to talking to other developers, to clients, being a problem solver, being a negotiator, learning transferable skills that they can take from one industry to another.

There's no certainty of course, all of these is a gamble on which of these could be fruitful in the next 3 / 5 / 10 years, and it might not even the kind of gamble that makes you tick and makes you feel alive, in which case you're free to explore other options out there.

> The amount of people benefiting from my work

Yea but that's vague as hell, any kid could say that.

> Antidepressants

Rest easy my brother, maybe it's all downhill from this point onwards. Maybe the stars have aligned in you just being a statistic of people who died because they can't sort themselves out because life has gotten too comfy.

Kidding of course, the go-to HN advice of course is get a goddamn therapist, preferably someone that really moves you forward, and at the same time really take some action on your end because as newton or einstein said: objects at rest stay in rest, objects at motion goes through the motions ahaha

Re: Ask HN: Please Give Me Advice

#69

Post by pshirali »

PART 1:

_"Im not achieving anything, no matter how hard i try"_ _"I’m regretting that i didn’t use the time to achieve something meaningful"_ _"All i dream of to make a contribution and somehow make an impact"_

Could it be that your sense of achievement is attached to an outcome/impact (not the process), and the sense of meaning is closely attached to the success of that outcome?

_"I have money, but i’m miserable and unhappy"_ _"I feel ashamed of being that guy who is always depressed, angry and sad"_ _"I’m thinking my (dead) grandparents would be embarrassed of me being such a looser"_ _"I’m trying all my best to be a good person, yet i’m still not good enough for myself"_ _"Yet, i feel like i’m a useless parasite"_

Agree with some other the other responses here that self-perception is the major factor. Note that these are things you are saying to yourself. It's YOUR thinking about what your (dead) grandparents might think of you. The fix also lies in how you think of yourself, far more than what anyone else thinks of you. The more you think along these lines, the more you are saying this to yourself - and this forms a self-enforcing loop where you begin to believe this is reality. When you think in this manner, you'll find it hard to believe even if someone close to you told you otherwise (that you were helpful); you'll might trust them, or you may feel it was insignificant by your standards.

_"I have money,..i’m not hungry, have a warm place to stay and guaranteed inheritance"_

It's good that you recognise that you have means for a healthy living. Many aren't as lucky. While you think it is not that bad, are you able to fully reconcile how good it really is? Money and happiness don't have a guaranteed co-relation, but, it does give you the financial freedom to think about other things beyond just survival. You need to recognise that it is a strength you can leverage. Self-perception continues to play a role here too. Would you have felt differently about yourself if you were 5x richer?

_"I feel ashamed of being that guy who is always depressed, angry and sad"_ _"Yet i struggle to find anyone who needs my help"_

You can start by helping yourself first. Do this to get to a better state of mind, to be in a position to help others later. Helping yourself get out of the state-of-mind you are in will have the highest impact realisation. This could also give you the self-confidence and determination you need in helping others. You'll also be in a much better position when helping others get out of their depressed, angry or sad state.

Re: Ask HN: Please Give Me Advice

#70

Post by mthoms »

ekianjo wrote: post #13
slater wrote: post #2

Few people have anything resembling a plan. Just don't ask randos on the internet. You'll hear this often, because there's truth to it: Seek therapy. It's not a sign of weakness. And if the therapist doesn't "click" with you, see a different one.

> Seek therapy Therapy is not going to magically inject meaning in your life. Let's stop with the fake solutions.

There are hundreds of scientific studies about the efficacy of therapy in treating depression. It’s no magic bullet it works well for very many people.

Stigmatizing therapy is not only counter productive, it can be downright dangerous.

If you’re genuinely trying to help, please reconsider your approach.

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