It was a couple years ago on maybe a FIRE subreddit, but in terms of expenses for aging parents who didn't save for retirement, or saved little and for the kids to pick up the expense, it works out to you needing 140% of what you think you'll need for your retirement to also help parents out. So = 100%(you) + 40%(them) of that for them. Luckily medicare helps out quite a bit, but long term insurances should be looked at and it may be worth a few bucks now to cover things later in their long lives.
Originally social security was setup to give people dignity after retiring for a FEW years after 60. But now people are living a lot longer and simply are not of the generation to have planned for that. You too may live far longer than you expect. If you've made it past 30, you'll likely hit 80, if you make past that, it gives you something to think about.
Ask HN: Advice about aging parents
191–200 of 243 posts
Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents
#192I speak from experience. Aging parents, especially the stubborn type, will be a massive health drain on YOUR health. For little in return. They are still going to die. Don't put them before your own family, even a little bit. It will end you. They lived their lives, you're entitled to the same.
>I speak from experience. Aging parents, especially the stubborn type, will be a massive health drain on YOUR health. For little in return. They are still going to die. Don't put them before your own family, even a little bit. It will end you. They lived their lives, you're entitled to the same.
That's the problem I'm facing since last year
60 yo, half life long alcoholic with dementia/stupor that really tries hard to make our life as miserable as possible and it started affecting health of other people from my family
And I do seriously consider what you're suggesting - just fuck him and leave him alone
Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents
#193Earlier quoted context omitted.
Toronto does not equal all of the west. There are a lot of low cost of living parts of Canada where you can affordability arrange that exact living situation. My home town in Ontario which is around 80k people has had a lot of Indian-Canada families move from Toronto to my home town in the last decade for that exact reason.
Can you pls share the city? I've looked as far as London, ON but houses are still too expensive to make it work.
A little further south west, Sarnia. To be honest, it’s cheaper than London, but I don’t think by a lot. There’s also the option of living in Corunna, close to Sarnia, but even smaller and less expensive.
Here’s a semi recent article to give you an idea of the prices https://www.theobserver.ca/news/local-news/home-prices-conti...
The lake is nice in the summer and you’re close to Detroit for a weekend of cheap entertainment.
Good luck!
Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents
#194Has anyone looked into shared support resources on a friend/intentional community level. Obviously, this wouldn’t be practical in HCOL areas, but buying/building properties in a close space and sharing a privately employed nurse/caregiver doesn’t seem so far fetched for the period between fully independence and full-time care needed.
I had considered it briefly. Unless it is for a tiny number of residents (2?) then I think that the CQC will want to come and do inspections. It would be necessary to assume that the residents are, or will soon become, highly dependent (needing 24/7 care).
In the UK I believe that at least two qualified nurses are required on site at all times, plus carers sufficient to care for the needs of the residents. Assuming 8 hour shifts you will need to triple that number. Multiply by a further 7/5 to account for weekends. Multiply by a further 52/46 for holidays, sickness and training. Add some for receptionist, accountant, handy man, cook(s), cleaners, manager(s).
That is quite an overhead just for wages. Add to that any mortgage for the property, heating, rates, repairs, office equipment, etc, etc.
With rooms becoming vacant and requiring redecoration between residents, there will not be 100% occupancy. The cost to break even is substantial. Even commercial care homes go out of business quite regularly. I can understand why residential care is so expensive.
Having been a frequent visitor to care homes I know that many / most of the residents most certainly do not wish to be there, and want to be back in their own home. Almost all of the staff do a fantastic job, doing unpleasant tasks without complaint, and doing their utmost to create a friendly and inclusive atmosphere.
The existing care system is very expensive for users. A more informal arrangement with less bureaucracy providing care at home would be useful.
Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents
#195Hey, I'm 42, Father 81 and every time we visit his doctor (now it happens no less than 10 times a month) he refuses to use elevator and insists on walking to the second floor on his own feet (in fact also his hands - one for the stick and the other for the railings). He says: "I must train as much as I can". I personally respect that and consider it to be the a sound choice. Not only this helps him to get some physic…
I'm 40 and my dad is 72. A couple of months ago he had an emergency spine surgery because apparently a spine bone was clinching a nerve. Before the operations, in a couple of weeks he started losing feeling in one leg. After the successful operation, the doctors told him that the fact that he could still walk was product of his VERY active life, and that he has athlete's body. He has always been super athletic: He wa…
Did I read you right that you do 90 minutes of rowing a day? How do you fit it all in?
Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents
#196Earlier quoted context omitted.
There are auto-inflating airbag belts that protect the hips for seniors during falls. I think the tech started in motorcycle racing then became available for cyclists, and is finally available for seniors now. Here's one company I found but I think there are others offering solutions too: https://en.helite.com/hipguard/
This looks like an interesting product but how do you get them to wear it consistently? Half the problem in hip fractures is mentation: Many elderly people have decreased balance, decreased pain sense, and decreased muscle strength. And yet they're not cognizant of any of this, so they continue to try to behave the way they did 20 years ago and of course they fall. Getting them to become aware of their limitations wo…
I think it's definitely a struggle, but if my choice were to move into a care home or wear this, I'd choose wearing the belt.
Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents
#197Earlier quoted context omitted.
I think this is a good solution, but I want to add a few disclaimers after watching my parents make a similar decision with my grandparents. My parents moved into my mom's childhood home with her parents, and renovated to build out a second floor with separate living/sleeping space (no extra kitchen). This was great in that the property became the de-facto gathering place for a large and geographically distributed fa…
Struggling to directly address things isn't really our failure mode (if anything, we tend in the other direction). With the specific example of driving, I don't expect much of an issue there. My wife and my mom frequently run errands together anyway, so I expect that will just become the default. My dad will be annoyed, but he's a _very_ pragmatic and risk-averse person and my guess is he'll be the one to make the ca…
That all sounds great. I'm happy for you. Good luck!
Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents
#198Read Atul Gawande's Being Mortal
Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents
#199This likely isn't relevant to you OP, but perhaps for someone else who is a little earlier in the process here. I'm in my late 30's and my parents are in their early 60's (Dad will be retiring next year). Two years ago we decided move into a multi-generational home. We found a place big enough for our family of 5, in addition to an "in-law" apartment big enough for my parents. This was born directly out of my parents…
I'm in an expensive city facing a similar scenario with my mother and my father-in-law. My wife and I are planning on adding space in the form of an ADU, which we will be able to rent out before and after our parents use it. The catch is that so far we only have a plan for how to house one of them at a time. My father-in-law is ten years younger, in good health, and already living in the same city, so we're hoping we…
> Twenty years ago you could believe you could find a nursing home that you could afford and that your parents could have a good enjoyable life in.
I thought the opposite, due to increasing average age and the population pyramid inverting from people having fewer kids.
If I recall, there were quite a few articles even back when I was in late high school of college in early 2000s about the solvency of social security and the problem of baby boomers all retiring and living to older ages without a bigger population of younger generations behind them to keep up the labor supply. And my perception of nursing homes was terrible when I was a kid, so I cannot imagine what it will be like in the future.
It is also why I have been so conservative in my estimates for how much I would need to accumulate during my working life to live my target retirement quality of life.
Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents
#200My advice is to keep your parents moving for as long as possible. Motivation and exercise is what keeps people alive and happy. I once knew a 92 year old who benched 140lbs and who’s grip was a vice. He worked out every day for ~2 hrs. Was one of the most impressive things I’ve seen. All that said, perhaps ask them what they want? For instance, their motivation might not be meals or cleaning. Getting a maid or food s…
Keep moving! Yes! Also, emotional health is important. Many elderly people die of loneliness. If one parent dies, be VERY vigilant about getting the other into a situation where he/she has friends.
> Many elderly people die of loneliness.
Good thing society banned people from visiting their relatives in nursing homes and assisted living facilities. We sentenced the oldest in our population to die in what amounts to solitary confinement.