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Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

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121–130 of 243 posts

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#121
In Indian and Asian culture in general you will take care of your parents just as they have taken care of you when you were a child. Old age is just like childhood age where you have to look after them just as much as you would look after a young child. Having your parents move in with your family is an option so that they don't feel lonely. They can also see their grand children and not feeling lonely at home. Loneliness is one of the main reasons to loose hope in life if they do not have good neighbors or support system. Once hope is lost then motivation to live long also goes away.

Not sure what other think of my opinion but I am living with at my parents at their home currently and just bought a new place and moving with my parents and wife/kids. There is attachment to the home we lived in for this long but we are looking forward to better life in new home together. There can be small disputes living together that may urge you to live separately but I feel if you look past them you all will feel stronger as you all know there is someone in the house to look out for each other.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#122
post #73

I'm a realist. I told my parents (one retired but active and one preparing to retire) that they needed to get their end of life plans and elder care plans in place because I wasn't going to do it for them. My wife and I don't have children and are hoping to spend our retirement being semi-mobile around the globe. We simply won't be available to take care of them in their old age. I threatened (only half joking) that…

I bet you're glad that they didn't view you as much of an inconvenience to their life ambitions as you view them.

I don't think parents should having children expecting those children to grow up and take care of them in their old age. There's sooo much that can happen (what if you have a bad relationship, what if one falls into drug dependence? etc) that you should have a solid plan for yourself.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#124
I'm looking into reducing loneliness and providing companionship for aging parents with an AI powered talking companion. If you have faced any issues with providing companionship to aging parents, I would love to hear more about it!

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#125
post #115

Earlier quoted context omitted.

After watching our father die from advanced dementia, my brother established instructions that no one is to feed him. If he can't bring a spoon to his mouth unassisted, he would like to stop eating. He works at a hospital, so I believe that he understands how to do this in a legally binding way. This tempts me to leave similar instructions if I can't cook for myself.

Such advance directives aren't completely legally binding, and rely on family and caregivers respecting his wishes. If your brother is mentally incapacitated and his next-of-kin asks a healthcare facility to put in a feeding tube then they'll probably do it.

This is exactly what I am afraid of.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#126
I suggest adding grab bars to the bathrooms and shower, and see about improving the railing in the stairway. If the steps are slippery, you can install a carpet on the steps.

Install a device like Alexa where they can yell for help.

See about removing any obstacles from the floor that they could trip over.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#127
post #99

Hey, I'm 42, Father 81 and every time we visit his doctor (now it happens no less than 10 times a month) he refuses to use elevator and insists on walking to the second floor on his own feet (in fact also his hands - one for the stick and the other for the railings). He says: "I must train as much as I can". I personally respect that and consider it to be the a sound choice. Not only this helps him to get some physic…

I'm 40 and my dad is 72. A couple of months ago he had an emergency spine surgery because apparently a spine bone was clinching a nerve. Before the operations, in a couple of weeks he started losing feeling in one leg.

After the successful operation, the doctors told him that the fact that he could still walk was product of his VERY active life, and that he has athlete's body. He has always been super athletic: He was in the Olympic (Mexico) gym team when he was in his 20s, later he was a scuba diver and always did a lot of exercise.

I have always been the opposite (computer programmer, nerd, etc). It was after this that I decided to fully dedicate to improve my body (I walk 90 minutes 3 times a week, and row 30 minutes 3 times a day. I am planning to start doing weight after I get some muscles with the current exercise). I've decided that what I am dedicating my next 40 years is going to be exercising my body and being fit.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#128
post #46

Earlier quoted context omitted.

'stop adding value'? WTF.

Genuinely curious: Why is your reaction to that "WTF"? I think it's totally valid.

It sounds like something you say about employees, not about family members, and certainly not a way of calculating "self worth".

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#129

Macabre tangent warning. Related to this, and having seen several cases where elderly people had very unhappy end years for various reasons (dementia, incapacity, etc.) I am starting to wonder not for our parents bur for myself - how could I make sure I don't live past the point where I stop adding value and become a drain. It's an interesting engineering problem. Presumably this would be when I lose mental capacity…

Start wingsuit gliding an the problem will take care of itself

I have seriously thought about leaving a bucket list of expensive & risky stuff for when I'm old (why not take up motor racing, acrobatic flying, sailing around the world at 75?) but whenever I bring this up my gf is horrified.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#130

Similar boat with aging parents. It is really tough with few solutions. In a very HCOL area and parents own a condo. So stairs are less the issue but there a ton other challenges that emerge. Simplest solution would be to do a joint-family system with the parents. That is not feasible because single story houses are pretty rare in our area and spacious housing is stupidly expensive in general (Toronto); moving my fam…

I think this is the most.. humane approach. For everyone involved. From what I've read about the nightmares of old folks' homes, that way of handling elder care has been failing us for a long time (and only recently has come into view). Multi-generational households really seem like the way to go. Everyone gets to play an age-appropriate role and (in an "ideal" family) everyone is taken care of.

MG homes are the best solution all around. It's a shame more homes aren't built to accommodate that.
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