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Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

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Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#21

Post by ksec »

Probably off topic:

I wish we talk more about those difficult topics, parenting, or in this case aging parents, sex, childhood, or right to die over certain age. All the things we are all too afraid to ask and no one told us what to do. ( But as with every thing in life I do think not knowing has its own sets of benefits ) And Even in the example above, we are suppose to be adult and over 40, and we are just as hopeless as a child.

And on the subject it also offer different set of lens and views on aging population, instead of mostly an economics angle. Personally I have no idea because I fall out with my parents a long time ago. It is sad.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#22

Post by hkrgl »

It's definitely tough to juggle these roles. A few things that helped me and my partner -

* find local help for parents to do chores like groceries,meal prep, help with personal care if they need it, etc.

* make sure there's a way to pay their bills, manage their finances. You may have to do some of this for them by making sure they have access to their money, pay their bills, etc.

* if you are able to connect with their doctor, this would be great to keep a pulse on their medical needs. If you aren't able to drive them to doctor appointments, etc, funding help to do so would also be good.

* be prepared to drop everything and help them for emergencies. This meant letting managers know a bit about our situation.

If you have siblings, see if you can share responsibility for these things.

There is no single correct way to handle these situations so do what works for you and your family. Remember to take care of yourself and your family in the midst of this! Talk to a therapist if it helps.

I also suggest reading the book _Being Mortal_ by Atul Gawande that goes into some ageing related issues, which I found helpful.

Good luck and take care!

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#23

Post by notacoward »

This is becoming a common quandary for GenX(ish) folks - how to care for both parents and children at the same time. Especially hard when so many of the former didn't plan well.

My suggestion would be to seek out an elder-care specialist. They not only know what kinds of support are available - including issues or options you might not have thought of - but they have contacts with all the different sorts of service providers. My brother and I engaged one briefly when we needed to find a nursing home for our mother. Both of us had already tried and mostly struck out on finding anything decent; she was able to get us a spot at a much nicer facility than anything we had even been able to look at. This was especially valuable when COVID hit; the peace of mind from knowing that they were on top of things was invaluable. Money very well spent IMO, and not even all that much.

From what I hear, quality in-home care can be even harder to find, so those contacts become even more valuable. If you can't find such a specialist on your own, your parents' doctor(s) might be able to give you a referral.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#24

Post by snarf21 »

lettergram wrote: post #4

My advice is to keep your parents moving for as long as possible. Motivation and exercise is what keeps people alive and happy. I once knew a 92 year old who benched 140lbs and who’s grip was a vice. He worked out every day for ~2 hrs. Was one of the most impressive things I’ve seen. All that said, perhaps ask them what they want? For instance, their motivation might not be meals or cleaning. Getting a maid or food s…

Yeah, I think the best thing for this situation is to pay someone to stop by for an hour a day. Probably around breakfast time or lunch. They can make sure they are eating and taking their pills. They can be someone to talk to and something to look forward to. That person can also be someone who can notice if someone is limping a bit or looks "off". Obviously this is expensive but could be a reasonable middle ground to a facility.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#25

Post by gwbas1c »

You might need to wait for something to happen, and then force the issue.

One things you can try: Did one of your parents' friends enter a retirement home? What about one of your childhood friends parents'? Start visiting them, with your parents, occasionally. Sometimes, just visiting a retirement home for a social visit (and no agenda on your part) can plant the seed that older people are very happy in retirement homes.

My grandfather lived alone after my grandmother died. He had a stroke a few months before his 100th birthday. Instead of calling 911, he called my uncle, who fortunately was only a few minutes away.

That was when my dad and his siblings forced the issue and placed him into a retirement home. He was quite social, so after a few weeks, he made a lot of friends and adjusted. The vibe was kind of like freshman year at college, only for geriatrics. (Among his children and my cousins someone checked in every few days. This was how we were sure the retirement home took good care of him.)

Even when we had to move him to a nursing home, he was very happy. Again, he made friends.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#26

Post by JshWright »

azemetre wrote: post #6
Blackstone4 wrote: post #3

Can you make the home more accessible? i.e. put in a chair lift for the stairs

Be very weary about this and investigate carefully, IDK the financials of OPs family but they can become a costly burden to maintain and fix if issues arise. Especially if they are on a fixed income.

It's indeed something to be wary* of, but that's true of any suggestion. There are pros and cons to every approach, and they should be considered within the context of the specific circumstances.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#27

Post by vandyswa »

We had to deal with this; in our case, my daughter moved in with my mother as a (paid) caregiver. My Mom got to live in her home a lot longer, and my daughter had meaningful work. It was great to keep it all within the family.

You sound a bit younger than me, but take a look across your family connections. There might be somebody who could use a gig, and could benefit from close contact with an aging relative's wealth of life experiences.

Best of luck!

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#28

Post by kashyapc »

No direct answers, afraid, but wanted to mention a related book on this topic: I recently got Being Mortal[1], by Atul Gawande, that tackles the difficult topic of how to gracefully navigate end of life / palliative care discussions.

[1] "Being Mortal — Medicine and What Matters in the End" — http://atulgawande.com/book/being-mortal/

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#30

Post by SaltySloth »

I feel you. My father just passed at 86 last year. I told my family the only way he was leaving that house was feet first, and he proved me right. As others have said, get your parents' financials in order. You don't mention where you live. In the US, offering to do your parents' taxes for them is an easy way to get a handle on all their finances without hinting your concern about how long they have. Here's the challenge we are facing, all of us, these days. Modern medicine has extended life, but has not extended quality of life. Our parents really did not have to deal with their own parents spending decades in decline. In particular, they did not have to deal with their parents' cognitive decline. If they had, they might have a very different perspective on the burdens and worries they impose upon their children. My mom and dad kept each other company. Yes, they were frail, and my mom's cognitive decline has been progressing slowly over the last decade. But they had each other, and could watch out for each other, and call for help when needed. Your biggest concern, at this point, is your parents driving, if they've gotten to the point where driving is dangerous. It's a much bigger deal when one of your parents passes. The other one is then alone, with no one to call out if something happens. About a year after my dad passed, my mom was able to acknowledge that living alone was no longer viable. My brother took her on a tour of several independent living facilities near his home. They found one where the residents seemed happy and friendly. Included in her lease is a spacious one bedroom apartment, three meals a day in a group dining room, scheduled shuttle service to church, stores, and the occasional outing. She gets a little wrist buzzer she can press that alerts the central office if she has a problem. This makes me feel a lot better than services where, essentially, EMTs will have to break down her door to get to her. And she has company. The cost of her lease is covered by a combination of social security and income from the rent from her house. This facility also has an assisted living wing. When the time comes, we are hoping they still have room in that side of the facility. I will tell you one of the challenges, which perhaps your father is aware of, on some level. My mom has been in her new facility less than half a year. Already, she cannot remember what the house she spent 50 years in looks like. She confuses the place she raised a family with the place she grew up. Losing anchors like this can be quite disheartening.
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