Ask HN: Why is machine learning easier to learn than basic social skills?

As I searched about this team, I learned that I don't really lack social skills, it's that my interests and my way to express them is not in the norm, so that only 1 or 2 percent of the persons I meet are aligned with me.

In addition, as many gifted persons, I'm really hard with myself, and I feel terrible at many domains where in fact, I'm quite good at.

In conclusion, I do not lack social skills, I'm just wired differently, and I have to accept that.

TL;DR; part: So maybe are you in the same situation: not lacking skills, just wired differently?

Cheers :)

There are rules to the interactions that almost all can agree on and these are based on learning musical rhythms and patterns which most people can do with practise.

However you utilise this mechanistic learning in combination with crossing into another person's inimite personal space. The behaviour you are allowed is well defined and safe within the rules of the dance. This gives you the opportunity to practice social interaction in an inimite but limited manner where the rules are fairly clear.

For example it is possible to dance close to a woman who you have never met and then at the end of 5 minutes say thank you and move to another partner. You get to test your mechanical learning of the patterns and at the same time learn that people are nice and friendly and things that may have seemed terrifying are not.

Basic tips.

#1 dress smart tidy #2 make sure you smell neutral #3 always respect personal space. You will know when too close is too close. #4 always say hello and say thankyou #5 practise what you have learned at home in front of the mirror so you are not worried about tripping over your feet. Muscle memory is your friend.

Observation (body language, how people look at you, each other)

Listening (what people are saying to you, the tone, speed, variability of pitch)

Speaking (how you say something, etc)

Body language can be hard, because no-one has really codified it in an accessible way. Yes there are books, but they tend to drift off into science noise, or babble.

The problem is that we are used to watching actors. The problem with actors is that they (like most people) can't control their body language entirely. So what you see as affection on TV, might not actually be Affection. (this is why its so startling to see real affection in the movies. the so called "chemistry")

solution: at a cafe, or a shopping mall, sit with a set of headphones on, and just watch people (no don't stare) look at the parent with their children, the young couple, the old grumpy farts. nearly divorced boomers. Try and guess what they are thinking through their actions.

Where are they looking when they speak?

are they hunched over?

where is thier body facing?

Are their arms crossed over, or wide open?

Listening, again at a busy place, a food place, cafe or somewhere where there are lots of people, listen in (again headphones are a great foil for this sort of thing). What are people saying to each other? what reaction does it have? when people are happy, what speed is their speech at? is it all one tone?

speaking: An excellent tool for when you are not sure is "mirroring". That is when someone makes a statement that you are not sure of, repeat the last few words back to them: "hi OP, how are you? can you come with me please?" you: "come with you?" (the tone of your voice is important here. you need to be light, fluffy. subtle rising intonation helps) They will normally give more information "Yeah, I have something to show you" etc etc etc.

A good rule of thumb is that the words people are speaking only contain something like 20% of the meaning of what they are saying. Think of the ways you can say "are you having fun?" The delivery can change the meaning from innocent, genuine question, menace, anger, sadness. Even though the words are exactly the same.

finally the last thing you need to work on is "empathy". No its not a wooly thing. Its the ability to predict how the person you are talking to is feeling. it doesn't involve crying. basically its all the information you've gathered, condensed into a model, and use that model to understand why they are acting the way they do. hint: people are never irrational to themselves.

Let’s start off by testing your theory. I’m old enough to have known a lot of really wonderful people who think their social skills suck when they actually don’t - they’re just interested in completely different, non typical things.

From there, let’s go into strategies. Let’s start off with a social gathering hack. You’re at an event and don’t know many people. What do you do??

If you said “copious amounts of cocaine”, that’s a way but likely not the best way to cope. Instead, try approaching people who are speaking in groups of two. It can be a really simple approach (“Great bag!”/“I’m Greg!”/“Cheers!”/“There’s a dude with bad social skills chipping away at Mount Yay2 in the bathroom.”)

Smile, pause for a full count and walk away. If you were unwelcome, nobody worth knowing fucking cares. However, when you’re at an event and see two people talking, there’s a very very very high chance that one party wants out of the conversation. Be that out!!!

In fact, a really massive part of what people call social skills is really just about giving people ins and outs.

For example, don’t try to pick up romantic partners when they’re at work - they’re contractually obligated to listen to your shitty pick up lines. If you try to pick them up when they’re at work, they might not have an out - they likely can’t just quit their jobs on the spot.

Or when you’re in a meeting, make sure everyone else has three times the chances to speak that you do. Give their anxiety, perceived lack of social skills or whatever an in - make it easy for them. Things like this work:

“Hey btheshoe, we were talking about $x a couple of days ago and you had some excellent points.”

If it’s stuff like eye contact, focus on the person and the conversation. Smile, laugh and express interest with your eyes.

But now it’s your turn. What gets you every single time?? You’re in a safe place and I’m on your team. If this is a scary environment use hypotheticals or reach out directly, I’m Greg and you can reach me at gthluska@gmail.com.