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Finding Your Swagger

kevinyien.com

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Re: Finding Your Swagger

#71

Post by ChrisMarshallNY »

SavantIdiot wrote: post #66
ChrisMarshallNY wrote: post #11

I appreciate the honesty of the post. For myself, I don’t think having “swagger” is particularly constructive. Ego is a mind-killer. It is selling smoke. I’m quite good at what I do. In some things, I am very good; but at many, many other things, I still have a lot to learn, and in other areas, it’s best I stay out of the kitchen, entirely. In the areas in which I excel, I often exude great confidence, which is somet…

> Ego is a mind-killer. It is selling smoke. I think you might be misunderstanding ego. That's like saying, "The engine in your car is bad." It's not good or bad, it's a part of your car. Ego is part of the triad of the Freudian model of the human mind. When people use ego the way you are using it, they are usually referring to a narcissistic personality disorder. Instead, cognitive behavioral therapists will refer t…

> I don't think you understand what ego is.

Be kind. I thought we weren't supposed to do this stuff, 'round these parts; but I'm often wrong.

Actually, I know about the Freud stuff, and the scientific meaning of "ego."

Basically, the meaning that almost no one actually ever attributes to the word.

Words tend to adapt to the meaning that is most often applied to them. Dictionary be damned. It's how people actually use the word, that defines it.

For example, look up the etymology of "nice." (It made me change "be nice," to "be kind").

> This is a widespread confusion on HN, people think being assertive is the same as being aggressive, or being a narcissist.

My take on "the Modern Societal Zeitgeist," so to speak, is that aggressiveness, narcissism, avarice, arrogance, and just plain ol' bein' cruel, are traits to be admired, and emulated; especially amongst the types of people that run businesses.

Those of us that speak to being kind, empathetic, or generous, are often attacked, and mocked as being "weak."

Re: Finding Your Swagger

#72

Post by SavantIdiot »

ChrisMarshallNY wrote: post #71
SavantIdiot wrote: post #66

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Ego is a mind-killer. It is selling smoke. I think you might be misunderstanding ego. That's like saying, "The engine in your car is bad." It's not good or bad, it's a part of your car. Ego is part of the triad of the Freudian model of the human mind. When people use ego the way you are using it, they are usually referring to a narcissistic personality disorder. Instead, cognitive behavioral therapists will refer t…

> I don't think you understand what ego is. Be kind. I thought we weren't supposed to do this stuff, 'round these parts; but I'm often wrong. Actually, I know about the Freud stuff, and the scientific meaning of "ego." Basically, the meaning that almost no one actually ever attributes to the word. Words tend to adapt to the meaning that is most often applied to them. Dictionary be damned. It's how people actually use…

> Be kind.

Would "I think you might be misunderstanding ego" have been a better way to phrase it?

> are traits to be admired

Oh I agree, I am not making a claim about what HN-types revere, I was addressing how two very distinct psychological terms are often misused. Like, for example, if I kept calling C an interpreted language; or claimed there's no difference between TCP or UDP; that's the same as equating assertiveness and aggression that I quite frequently see here.

Re: Finding Your Swagger

#73

Post by SavantIdiot »

hinkley wrote: post #70
SavantIdiot wrote: post #66

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Ego is a mind-killer. It is selling smoke. I think you might be misunderstanding ego. That's like saying, "The engine in your car is bad." It's not good or bad, it's a part of your car. Ego is part of the triad of the Freudian model of the human mind. When people use ego the way you are using it, they are usually referring to a narcissistic personality disorder. Instead, cognitive behavioral therapists will refer t…

As I read this I kept finding my mind pulled toward metallurgical concepts. A rigid ego gets people into lots of trouble. They lead people down dark alleyways. They break instead of bend, leaving sharp edges everywhere that hurt everyone around them. Flexible people can either be door stops or assertive, and which they are has to do with how much they think of their own opinions and abilities. Strength doesn't have t…

The difference is "ego strength" is a real term used by real mental health professionals, and your analogy to metallurgical concepts is something you invented. Ironic, that in a discussion about ego and narcissism you would dismiss medical terms as "muddying the waters" and try to replace them with your own beliefs to benefit your opinion.

Re: Finding Your Swagger

#74

Post by piaste »

gambiting wrote: post #64
Bhilai wrote: post #59

> [6] Fortunately, the company agreed to provide COBRA which would cover our insurance costs for the delivery. This is so crazy and why employer based insurance cannot be a safety net in the case you end up needing an expensive treatment while also losing your job.

It's even more crazy that you can be just fired on the spot like this. American employment system just fills me with dread when I think about it. But I guess people advocate for it because "it will never happen to them"?

From what I heard - anecdotes from my online friends' parents and grandparents - in the mid-20th century it used to be ridiculously easy to get a job, for all social classes.

One anecdote that stuck in my mind was someone's grandfather in the 1950s quitting and going to work to a different factory only because they gave one week's pay in advance and they needed the money to take a girl on a date that weekend.

Nowadays I hear things have changed a tiny little bit. But if you're a software engineer who reads Hacker News, you probably still don't need to worry much about finding a job at all, only about finding an enjoyable job in the right place that ensures a sufficiently upper-class salary.

Re: Finding Your Swagger

#75

Post by hitekker »

khafra wrote: post #46
ilteris wrote: post #38

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have a similar problem in my workplace. I have a hard time reading what's going on in the room or the relationships between ups and downs. It's exhausting. Is there a playbook for this type of thing?

The book Moral Mazes is the best guide I know of. The basic takeaway is that if you're in middle management, it's already too late, you poor sucker. https://hbr.org/1983/09/moral-mazes-bureaucracy-and-manageri... https://www.lesswrong.com/tag/moral-mazes

I strongly recommend Moral Mazes. It's great reading for anyone who wants to achieve some level of honesty as a manager. It also arouses the ire of dishonest or duplicitous managers, which is another useful social signal to account for.

Re: Finding Your Swagger

#76

Post by julik »

It is impressive how, when we get into situations like this, an executive first absorbs all the knowledge we can provide, then swindles the employee (because they have firing power) and then it is _on the employee_ to feel bad, to regurgitate and to reflect "how to improve oneself". Brings tears to my eyes.

Re: Finding Your Swagger

#77

Post by ryaniscool »

They had to offer you COBRA because it's the law. In fact, COBRA is an acronym for the name of law that requires it (Consolidated Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act). There is no reason to be grateful.

Re: Finding Your Swagger

#78

Post by Nekorosu »

Really emotionally heavy read. I'm not sure how it is properly called in psychology but it reminds me of Stockholm syndrome. Sometimes it's hard to acknowledge you've been ***.

Re: Finding Your Swagger

#79

Post by aj7 »

groby_b wrote: post #60
f4stjack wrote: post #6

Kevin I am sorry but you are not the one that is fault at here. There are several red flags but most noticably your ex firm lacks accountability. You shouldn't be hired with an impulsive decision, there shouldn't be closed doors decision making andyou should not be blamed because you executed the decisions made without your input. And getting fired after a whiteboard session with no heads up? Even though he knew he i…

So much this. Congrats, you just learned what a corporate backstabbing feels like. (And a particularly nasty one. What they did to you? You escaped from a place run by sociopaths.) Also, please let go of the thought that companies will be in any way kind to you. That you got COBRA? Your company is legally obligated to extend that option. They did, literally, the bare minimum they were forced to do by the law.

And you paid for it, too.

Re: Finding Your Swagger

#80

Post by aj7 »

I saw elements of my own experience everywhere here.

But:

“4] This is a weird but recurring behavior of mine. When sitting with a (professional) group for the first time, I will always put myself at the edge. It's not because I'm avoiding the "power position" or anything. It's that I prefer to observe everyone first. And the best place to do that, is from the edge.”

No. No. In American society, this 1-1.5 sigma deviant behavior. You were broadcasting, “I’m considering, on my terms, whether or not to join this group.” Consider overriding this strategy, even if it is “work.” In a group, I would consider trying to sit as close to the center of mass as possible.

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