Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Divorce does funny things

theparisreview.org

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

41–50 of 386 posts

Re: Divorce does funny things

#41

Post by lelanthran »

shijie wrote: post #14
mrsmee89 wrote: post #9

As a divorced man, I can attest to this wholeheartedly. There's an energy a man gets when you're building a family that helps motivate through the struggle. When you get divorced, especially when kids are involved, there's an expectation in our society (court system, social pressure, etc) to continue life as if that energy still exists, it simply doesn't. It's maddening. Breaking up a family is lose-lose. There are n…

I’m going through this right now. I’ve done everything I could to try and save the marriage. My spouse is on the warpath. We have a 2 year-old daughter. I would be willing to work on myself and expect nothing in return for the rest of my life if it meant my daughter could go to the park with her mommy and daddy together. I cannot say the smallest part of how I feel. Unyielding personal torment and failure. Breaking u…

I've been through it, there's nothing you can do and if the mother is really out for blood she will use your child against you.

Women get rights, men get obligations.

Re: Divorce does funny things

#42

Post by [deleted] »

mrsmee89 wrote: post #34
me_im_counting wrote: post #27

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Are they? At least among wealthy men, it seems much more common for them to remarry and make a brand new second family while the ex wife is left doing most things for the first set of kids. Plus, it’s significantly more common for men to leave their wives when their wives get diagnosed with cancer than vice versa. IMO, divorce sucks worst for whoever is the most conscientious person and invested in the family, regard…

> IMO, divorce sucks worst for whoever is the most conscientious person and invested in the family, regardless of gender. This is a more thoughtful way of putting it. Thank you. I do think that men tend to get the raw end of the deal when it comes to custody though.

[deleted]

Re: Divorce does funny things

#43

Post by 77pt77 »

S_A_P wrote: post #26
mrsmee89 wrote: post #9

As a divorced man, I can attest to this wholeheartedly. There's an energy a man gets when you're building a family that helps motivate through the struggle. When you get divorced, especially when kids are involved, there's an expectation in our society (court system, social pressure, etc) to continue life as if that energy still exists, it simply doesn't. It's maddening. Breaking up a family is lose-lose. There are n…

Well said. I’m a decade past my divorce and it still causes anguish. I have two kids and while I play by the rules and encourage the kids to be close to both myself and their mother. Their mom is on man in her life number 6/husband 2. There was a period of time that she told the kids to call me dad and the step dad “super dad”. She nearly ran me over twice without warning as I jogged. I’ve never contested child suppo…

Please explain the psychiatrist's role in this.

Re: Divorce does funny things

#44

Post by WhiteWalker2021 »

shijie wrote: post #14
mrsmee89 wrote: post #9

As a divorced man, I can attest to this wholeheartedly. There's an energy a man gets when you're building a family that helps motivate through the struggle. When you get divorced, especially when kids are involved, there's an expectation in our society (court system, social pressure, etc) to continue life as if that energy still exists, it simply doesn't. It's maddening. Breaking up a family is lose-lose. There are n…

I’m going through this right now. I’ve done everything I could to try and save the marriage. My spouse is on the warpath. We have a 2 year-old daughter. I would be willing to work on myself and expect nothing in return for the rest of my life if it meant my daughter could go to the park with her mommy and daddy together. I cannot say the smallest part of how I feel. Unyielding personal torment and failure. Breaking u…

Sorry that you are going through this. Kids are super smart and can sense the energy very quickly. If mommy and daddy aren’t happy together, the kids will know, no matter how much you try to hide it. Also, if the parents aren’t getting along ..that isn’t a model of a good healthy relationship for the kids to experience either. Kids just need love and affection to grow into healthy and happy individuals. That love and care can exist even if the parents separated. Plus, you should choose yourself and your happiness too instead of compromising. Expecting nothing for the rest of your life isn’t a good value to pass on to your kids. Kids will like you and respect you more once they grow up if you choose yourself and your happiness! I totally understand that it’s important to give your level best to make it work and it’s an extremely tough decision to make, I am just trying to provide a different perspective. IMHO modeling healthy loving relationships is extremely important for the kids to witness as well. Wish you the best!

Re: Divorce does funny things

#45

Post by 77pt77 »

pishpash wrote: post #28
Lammy wrote: post #25

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> not good at all if you want a thriving happy society You might be interested to read the report commissioned by Congress in 1970 from the Commission on Population Growth and the American Future, chaired by John D. Rockefeller Ⅲ: https://files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/ED050960.pdf#page=10 Also known as "WTF Happened in 1971?" https://wtfhappenedin1971.com/

Birth control?

Women entering the workforce en masse.

Re: Divorce does funny things

#46

Post by lelanthran »

s5300 wrote: post #22
pcbro141 wrote: post #11

Decline of marriage, high divorce rate, increasing single parent rate, inflation/wage stagnation, young men increasingly 'opting out' and sexless, doesn't sound good for the future. The relationship market in the West seems horribly broken, not good at all if you want a thriving happy society.

Relationship market seems like it's the best it's ever been, from a standpoint of equality, that is. COVID unfortunately brought domestic violence rates up, but I wouldn't lump that in with the generality of "relationship market", it's a more serious & specific issue. edit: Ahh, by the time I finish posting you've come and brought up the "nuclear family" Hard to imagine anything good will come from a discussion hingi…

> Anecdata: the males I've personally seem "opting out" have major personal issues and are honestly dangerous to any potential partners, mentally and physically.

Doesn't matter, if too many males opt out females would either have to be alone or compete for the remaining males. Competition would certainly result in changes in male behaviour (because they won't be competing for a mate).

This is a vicious cycle which would result in more males having "major personal issues".

Re: Divorce does funny things

#47

Post by d0gsg0w00f »

S_A_P wrote: post #26
mrsmee89 wrote: post #9

As a divorced man, I can attest to this wholeheartedly. There's an energy a man gets when you're building a family that helps motivate through the struggle. When you get divorced, especially when kids are involved, there's an expectation in our society (court system, social pressure, etc) to continue life as if that energy still exists, it simply doesn't. It's maddening. Breaking up a family is lose-lose. There are n…

Well said. I’m a decade past my divorce and it still causes anguish. I have two kids and while I play by the rules and encourage the kids to be close to both myself and their mother. Their mom is on man in her life number 6/husband 2. There was a period of time that she told the kids to call me dad and the step dad “super dad”. She nearly ran me over twice without warning as I jogged. I’ve never contested child suppo…

You deserve to be happy too. The best thing you can do for your kids is to be a active, happy, and confident caregiver. Even if you're flat broke these qualities will rub off on your kids and do more for them throughout their lives than any amount of child support.

Re: Divorce does funny things

#48

Post by cryptonector »

me_im_counting wrote: post #27
mrsmee89 wrote: post #9

As a divorced man, I can attest to this wholeheartedly. There's an energy a man gets when you're building a family that helps motivate through the struggle. When you get divorced, especially when kids are involved, there's an expectation in our society (court system, social pressure, etc) to continue life as if that energy still exists, it simply doesn't. It's maddening. Breaking up a family is lose-lose. There are n…

Are they? At least among wealthy men, it seems much more common for them to remarry and make a brand new second family while the ex wife is left doing most things for the first set of kids. Plus, it’s significantly more common for men to leave their wives when their wives get diagnosed with cancer than vice versa. IMO, divorce sucks worst for whoever is the most conscientious person and invested in the family, regard…

Are wealthy men the majority of divorced men? You seem to be assuming as much.

Re: Divorce does funny things

#49

Post by beachy »

shijie wrote: post #14
mrsmee89 wrote: post #9

As a divorced man, I can attest to this wholeheartedly. There's an energy a man gets when you're building a family that helps motivate through the struggle. When you get divorced, especially when kids are involved, there's an expectation in our society (court system, social pressure, etc) to continue life as if that energy still exists, it simply doesn't. It's maddening. Breaking up a family is lose-lose. There are n…

I’m going through this right now. I’ve done everything I could to try and save the marriage. My spouse is on the warpath. We have a 2 year-old daughter. I would be willing to work on myself and expect nothing in return for the rest of my life if it meant my daughter could go to the park with her mommy and daddy together. I cannot say the smallest part of how I feel. Unyielding personal torment and failure. Breaking u…

It may sounds trite but I believe you will look back one day and realise this was just a step on the road, painful as it is now.

I suggest you hang in there until then, and do your utmost (swallowing whatever shit is necessary) to stay in good terms with your ex - for your daughter's sake.

Re: Divorce does funny things

#50

Post by s5300 »

lelanthran wrote: post #46
s5300 wrote: post #22

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Relationship market seems like it's the best it's ever been, from a standpoint of equality, that is. COVID unfortunately brought domestic violence rates up, but I wouldn't lump that in with the generality of "relationship market", it's a more serious & specific issue. edit: Ahh, by the time I finish posting you've come and brought up the "nuclear family" Hard to imagine anything good will come from a discussion hingi…

> Anecdata: the males I've personally seem "opting out" have major personal issues and are honestly dangerous to any potential partners, mentally and physically. Doesn't matter, if too many males opt out females would either have to be alone or compete for the remaining males. Competition would certainly result in changes in male behaviour (because they won't be competing for a mate). This is a vicious cycle which wo…

>if too many males opt out females would either have to be alone or compete for the remaining males.

I don't know what's shaped your worldview, but this really isn't how things work, at all.

>This is a vicious cycle which would result in more males having "major personal issues".

Oh well. With the current trajectory of tech, we'll soon be able to identify these types from whatever tech they use and send out a robo-taxi to take them to their government mandated treatment facility :P

Capitalism really is the best, isn't it.

Post reply on HN