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Romantic friendship: deep and lasting connection comes in many forms

newstatesman.com

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Re: Romantic friendship: deep and lasting connection comes in many forms

#21

Post by codyb »

ReactiveJelly wrote: post #19

I was hoping for something more conclusive. I have had two good friendships that lasted more than 2 years each. besides them, I feel like I've almost never had friends at all. I don't know if I can say they were romantic. the first one I miss so badly that I wonder if it was. the second one became romantic and now we are married. I terribly want the lifelong deep friendships that normal people seem to form accidental…

I can’t say it’ll work, and perhaps you’re already putting in the effort but (as long as it’s okay with your wife!)

Some dating apps (Bumble, maybe Tinder?) have options for swiping for friends

Other ways I’ve made friends include ski trips on big busses of people I don’t know, volunteer events, and travel tours

I think the big key is putting yourself in situations where you’ll be in close proximity with other people you don’t know for an extended period of time, and saying hello

Can’t say they’ve all been lifelong friendships (some have been as short as a meal and a number exchange that wasn’t followed up on, some have been many years then faded away, and some are still going strong)

People are social. Ask questions about what they like to do, maybe give ‘em a little laugh if you can.

Easier said than done certainly, and it’s entirely possible I’m a bit more gregarious than others (although you can practice that by having small conversations with cashiers, waiters, people at help desks. In the last few days people working those positions have told me about Halloween plans, bad customers and more, and they’re always happy to have a little break with someone who’s genuinely interested in how their day is going. It’s important to be genuine!)

Take a shot! I believe in you :-). Can’t end up anywhere besides where you already are, but maybe with a few more experiences under your belt so it’s fairly low risk as long as you remember it’s not always your fault if someone is curt, or brusque, or outright rude at your attempt at outreach (sometime’s it’s cultural, sometime’s they’re just having a bad day, some people are very introverted, etc, sometime’s it is you! No reason to get hung up on that or assume it though, we all make mistakes)

And certainly, easier said than done, and people have different situations for a variety of reasons. But still, you got this!

Re: Romantic friendship: deep and lasting connection comes in many forms

#22

Post by 542354234235 »

cryptica wrote: post #20
zzzzzzzza wrote: post #15

Earlier quoted context omitted.

i'm not a big fan of therapy but it sounds like you need therapy

A therapist can only help you if you don't understand yourself or your situation (they can help to make sense of it by helping you to unlock new information). But I understand my situation perfectly. I will probably end up converting the therapist to my world view unless they're too shallow to understand it... In which case why would I want such shallow person as a therapist? If I want to unlearn information, maybe o…

>But I understand my situation perfectly. I will probably end up converting the therapist to my world view unless they're too shallow to understand it

Or, and here is a radical thought, you don’t perfectly understand the complexities of human relationships. Maybe your arrogance and narrow world view lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy that also serves to validate your world view. See a therapist.

Re: Romantic friendship: deep and lasting connection comes in many forms

#24

Post by tw04 »

cryptica wrote: post #20
zzzzzzzza wrote: post #15

Earlier quoted context omitted.

i'm not a big fan of therapy but it sounds like you need therapy

A therapist can only help you if you don't understand yourself or your situation (they can help to make sense of it by helping you to unlock new information). But I understand my situation perfectly. I will probably end up converting the therapist to my world view unless they're too shallow to understand it... In which case why would I want such shallow person as a therapist? If I want to unlearn information, maybe o…

What you’re describing is not how the vast majority of society works. You aren’t convincing the therapist of anything other than you need a new set of folks to hang out with.

I would agree with others, if these posts aren’t just your way of some internet trolling you really should seek out some help. What you’re describing is incredibly unhealthy and I can assure you not a single one of my close friends care a bit about how much money I have.

Re: Romantic friendship: deep and lasting connection comes in many forms

#26

Post by Kalium »

codyb wrote: post #21
ReactiveJelly wrote: post #19

I was hoping for something more conclusive. I have had two good friendships that lasted more than 2 years each. besides them, I feel like I've almost never had friends at all. I don't know if I can say they were romantic. the first one I miss so badly that I wonder if it was. the second one became romantic and now we are married. I terribly want the lifelong deep friendships that normal people seem to form accidental…

I can’t say it’ll work, and perhaps you’re already putting in the effort but (as long as it’s okay with your wife!) Some dating apps (Bumble, maybe Tinder?) have options for swiping for friends Other ways I’ve made friends include ski trips on big busses of people I don’t know, volunteer events, and travel tours I think the big key is putting yourself in situations where you’ll be in close proximity with other people…

> Some dating apps (Bumble, maybe Tinder?) have options for swiping for friends

Anecdotally, I usually hear about Bumble-friend-mode being used for gay dating. Perhaps the label might not always be accurate to the social purposes it is put.

Re: Romantic friendship: deep and lasting connection comes in many forms

#27

Post by loriverkutya »

cryptica wrote: post #20
zzzzzzzza wrote: post #15

Earlier quoted context omitted.

i'm not a big fan of therapy but it sounds like you need therapy

A therapist can only help you if you don't understand yourself or your situation (they can help to make sense of it by helping you to unlock new information). But I understand my situation perfectly. I will probably end up converting the therapist to my world view unless they're too shallow to understand it... In which case why would I want such shallow person as a therapist? If I want to unlearn information, maybe o…

So you state that whoever is not sharing your worldview after you shared with them are too shallow to understand it. This seems pretty black and white to me and my experiences with therapists are pretty different both in professional and private settings.

Re: Romantic friendship: deep and lasting connection comes in many forms

#28

Post by codyb »

Kalium wrote: post #26
codyb wrote: post #21

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I can’t say it’ll work, and perhaps you’re already putting in the effort but (as long as it’s okay with your wife!) Some dating apps (Bumble, maybe Tinder?) have options for swiping for friends Other ways I’ve made friends include ski trips on big busses of people I don’t know, volunteer events, and travel tours I think the big key is putting yourself in situations where you’ll be in close proximity with other people…

> Some dating apps (Bumble, maybe Tinder?) have options for swiping for friends Anecdotally, I usually hear about Bumble-friend-mode being used for gay dating. Perhaps the label might not always be accurate to the social purposes it is put.

That’s funny, I can’t say I’ve tried finding friends that way. Seems like you can just say you’re interested in the same sex? I guess some people are curious, or more insidiously, in a situation where closeted is how they feel best.

Re: Romantic friendship: deep and lasting connection comes in many forms

#29

Post by alecst »

ReactiveJelly wrote: post #19

I was hoping for something more conclusive. I have had two good friendships that lasted more than 2 years each. besides them, I feel like I've almost never had friends at all. I don't know if I can say they were romantic. the first one I miss so badly that I wonder if it was. the second one became romantic and now we are married. I terribly want the lifelong deep friendships that normal people seem to form accidental…

My friends are my number one priority in my life, and I let them know it. As for how I met them, it’s kind of all over the place, ranging from my fraternity, my university, my meditation group, rock climbing, WWOOFing, language exchange, etc. But I think we’re friends because we really add to each other’s lives. Whenever anyone seemed interesting to me, whether it was because of the music they made, their opinions, their talents, their sense of humor, I always made an effort to keep in touch. And then time does the rest of the work.

Looking around you there’s almost certainly someone you can form a lasting relationship with. Don’t be afraid to talk to people and get the ball rolling. “Wanna go for a walk? There’s a really nice view around the corner that I can show you.”

I’m wishing you the best man. Reach out to me privately if you want, I’m happy to talk more and I have plenty of time these days.

Re: Romantic friendship: deep and lasting connection comes in many forms

#30

Post by foundart »

maxlamb wrote: post #6
GauntletWizard wrote: post #4

I don't think we do. As the article notes, these are not new concepts - the Greeks had four words for different types of loves, as recently as 50 years ago they were still known and understood in pop culture [1] It is a recent invention that has us all confused. The rush to validate the gay rights movement has pushed people far beyond their comfort zone, and the culture war has put pressure on people to assert their…

The ancient Greeks had actually at least 6 words for the different types of love: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greek_words_for_love

Yes, I think the article stumbled on this topic by describing a limitation of the term philia when in fact there were other terms for other concepts.
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