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Ask HN: How do you tackle your own negativity?

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Re: Ask HN: How do you tackle your own negativity?

#111

Post by wruza »

I just copy others’ styles and phrasing here and hope they will stick. Negativity goes in two main forms (at least for me): categorization and subjectivity. Categorization is the worst one. E.g. instead of saying that X is ~bullshit and I hate to use it, you may say that you had some issues with it and enumerate these in a context, which is much more objective and constructive. Subjectivity is, well, subjective. When something is negative “for me”, I try to not skip that subscript. As I understand it, negativity doesn’t really seem bad if you share your experience with others, even if it’s a little colorful. And realistic people (which I pretend to be one of them) actually like when someone cuts to the shit without softening the meaning.

As of general negativity, I think you should ask more if it makes your life worse, like the one you did here. It’s usually hard to see what it does to you, and is structurally hard to change. Personally I’m working with CBT to tackle that, because my negativity brings some issues (general distrust, decision paralysis, etc), but for some of my rants even a doctor says it’s okay, cause I’m just straightforward and sincere, I just need to see BOTH negative and positive sides, the latter I tend to skip as “expected by default”. In my experience, this entire thing really is too structured for a specific advice to help, but this one is general: make positive things explicit, as you make it for negative ones. That will balance out the perception of you.

E.g. remember your last negative reaction to/meaning about X and list 3-5 things which were good in X. Not that it makes ir “actually good”, it doesn’t, just isolate its good sides and spell them out. I took the liberty to check few pages of your comments here, and Meta VR seems to be a good start :). As much as I don’t believe a word they say, I can see positive things about this situation.

Re: Ask HN: How do you tackle your own negativity?

#112

Post by tonyedgecombe »

rnoorda wrote: post #43

There's a lot of good advice in this thread already, but one thing I've been working on lately is watching what I consume. When I consume lots of negative content (full of outrage, anger, etc.) I become more negative. Sustained outrage drags me down, but is also addictive. Pulling myself away from anger helps me refocus on what I actually feel positive about.

That probably includes HN. If you look at the first comment on pretty much any post it will have a negative tone. I think PG said he no longer visits this place because it is so negative.

Re: Ask HN: How do you tackle your own negativity?

#113

Post by azinman2 »

ignoramous wrote: post #36

A master and his disciple were travelling together. They happened to come to a river with a strong current. As they were preparing to cross, a lone young woman asked if they could help her to the other side. While the disciple hesitated, the master immediately offered to help. The disciple was in disbelief as he saw his master break his vows by carrying the woman on his shoulders. He couldn't contain himself and a fe…

What were the vows broken? I feel like I’m missing the lead up to the punchline.

Re: Ask HN: How do you tackle your own negativity?

#114

Post by aristofun »

The more you supress something - the stronger it becomes.

I suggest you tackle the source of the issue, not the surface manifestations.

May be you have some limiting beliefs so deep that you don’t even realize them, maybe you have some level of narcissistic personality etc.

Good therapist and some degree of deep self inquiry might help.

Re: Ask HN: How do you tackle your own negativity?

#116

Post by wruza »

PakG1 wrote: post #49
randycupertino wrote: post #11

Have you ever read the book "How to win Friends and Influence People?" It really helped me become a more positive, likable person. Something about viewing the world through everyone else's eyes and appreciating the good points in everyone. It's weird because it's common sense stuff, but it was a game changer for me. Now I'm friends with the grocery store clerk, the home depot guy, my neighbors, coworkers etc. I try t…

I read that book and as I recall, it makes the point that you need to have the intention and motivation to make it work, or else it won't matter. Whereas for me, the reasons I am always considering negative stuff (I just find it important to think in worst-case scenarios for various reasons), completely outweigh any desire I have to be more friendly and likeable. This has made my marriage difficult at times, and I've…

I need a really really compelling why book

Only your own life can be that book, you just have to re-read it and see where it went wrong, by your own standards. It’s very good that you’re not humble and can draw clear lines (afaiu), but along with that you have to check flaws in your reasoning and only draw lines where you can see the canvas clearly.

professionals can figure it out for me

A smart move, but be careful to not “outsource” it to them. You are the decision maker, because you are the one responsible (as in “will experience all of the consequences”). They will just go home and eat their dinner.

Re: Ask HN: How do you tackle your own negativity?

#117

Post by Nevermark »

cybernautique wrote: post #104
Nevermark wrote: post #86

Earlier quoted context omitted.

One way to be driven to be more collaborative from a rational motivation, chosen first principle, perspective, is realize you own everything and everyone. Because you do. The only thing you will ever really have is the reality you can impact around you. So take charge! Your job isn't just your day job. It is to run and push the planet along a good direction as much as you can, because it is literally your planet. The…

Have you read Max Stirner? This is one of the most compelling motivations of egoism I've seen, and the phraseology converges almost directly with Stirner's "The Ego And Its Own."

No I had not, so thanks for the reference!

I just looked him up on Wikipedia and my first impression is he was a very original/independent thinker. :)

I came to that view unconsciously at first, before I recognized it explicitly. It never made sense to me to not care about my net impact carrying on after I die, since it is pretty clear I am going to die, and very soon relative to our home the universe.

Caring about the whole planet, and measuring my self-worth based on that, seems like the only sensible response. And it isn't in conflict with being self-interested at all, it really maximizes self-interest objectively speaking.

My impact will be all of me that survives but it will go on subtly for a very very long time! Go me, lol!

Off to Amazon to get Stirner's book.

Re: Ask HN: How do you tackle your own negativity?

#118

Post by wruza »

azinman2 wrote: post #113
ignoramous wrote: post #36

A master and his disciple were travelling together. They happened to come to a river with a strong current. As they were preparing to cross, a lone young woman asked if they could help her to the other side. While the disciple hesitated, the master immediately offered to help. The disciple was in disbelief as he saw his master break his vows by carrying the woman on his shoulders. He couldn't contain himself and a fe…

What were the vows broken? I feel like I’m missing the lead up to the punchline.

Don’t touch a woman, a vow of chastity. The master follows it to the spirit and his disciple does that to the letter, but ignoring the spirit.

Re: Ask HN: How do you tackle your own negativity?

#119

Post by azinman2 »

wruza wrote: post #118
azinman2 wrote: post #113

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What were the vows broken? I feel like I’m missing the lead up to the punchline.

Don’t touch a woman, a vow of chastity. The master follows it to the spirit and his disciple does that to the letter, but ignoring the spirit.

Got it. Thanks!

Re: Ask HN: How do you tackle your own negativity?

#120

Post by casual-dev »

zz865 wrote: post #74

Negative is normal right now. We're all burnt out, we're all sick of working from home, Covid is fading but its been an extreme time. Plus some people have made loads of money while we watch front line workers basically dying doing their job. Meanwhile the summer heat was just too much and we're watching the planet die. All the while we've been restricted from seeing work colleagues, friends and family. How can you n…

While I see your points, your statements are - as you said yourself - a good example of negativity. Covid for me personally was not that hard on me. I got to spend more time with my wife and less with colleagues at work while working remote. My commute dropped to zero, I had much more free time at hands. I got to work out indoor and outdoor whenever possible. Dropped 60 pounds from March 2020, after entering the first lockdown. I even got tighter with my family during these times. And I could finally tackle some of the projects I had left for dead.

I cannot claim to be the epitome of positivity though. I have to work on my views of people in general. Anti-Vaxxers and climate change have left me with deep emotional cuts, consider it weltschmerz.

Are you by any chance driven by outside 'pings'? Extrovert people that rely on direct feedback from others really had/have a bad time. Maybe this realisation or thinking about it may help you understand why you are feeling this way. In the end, every negative situation e.g. a global pandemic, need some form of personal resilience. How to get there is unfortunatley on you to figure out.

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