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Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

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Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#11

Post by valleyjo »

Something similar happened to me the first semester of college. I had no friends and I was really struggling with the transition. I lost a lot of weight because I didn’t want to go to the cafeteria alone.

Things ended up improving for me and overall I had an amazing time in college. What worked for me was trying to stay open when meeting people. I took some risks and asked people to hang out 1:1 and in small groups. There were a lot of these hang outs with people that never turned into anything in the first year. It wasn’t until my second year I really made some good friends and it came through trial and error.

I also don’t have any of those interests. I went to a big school and one of my realizations is that it was on me to find my own place there. I tried a bunch of clubs before I found one or two that stuck but through those activities that DID stick I made my best friends.

Keep your head up, know that the transition will take time, and keep trying new things on the social front.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#13

Post by dukoolio »

How was your previous school experience? How long have you been in college?

Your statement “haven’t gotten beyond acquaintance” kind of implies some general social awkwardness/anxiety. You seem to be branding yourself as an outsider looking in. I think that’s relatively common and I’ve been there, it’s just an observation.

You don’t have to have a lot of interests in common with people to enjoy their company. But if you are routinely looking for reasons that you don’t belong in a group, you’ll keep finding them.

Stay authentic to yourself. Seek out people that make you happy. You do not have to be best friends with someone to enjoy their company.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#14

Post by willvarfar »

It depends on country how the university system is set up, but often student accommodation is as key as class is. Most of my friends weren’t studying what I was studying, and we met in the dorms.

One “trick” is study groups. These can be turned into friends groups by subtle directions like meeting in a pub or suggesting retiring to a pub when it gets tiring, or the classic “meet at mine; I’ll cook”.

Even if these people are lightweight friends, they may be the people who eventually introduce you to those you will be close even beyond uni.

Another angle is to volunteer for those who help international students on exchanges and things. Students who do exchanges tend to interesting people!

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#15

Post by camjohnson26 »

Even if you don’t enjoy more social hobbies like sports, live music, outdoor activities, etc, try to treat them as a skill to develop. One thing it took me a while to learn is if you want to connect with people you have to have common interests with them, so learn to be interested in whatever’s popular, in addition to your personal hobbies which come more naturally. When I just do what I personally enjoy, I’m the only person who enjoys doing those specific things and other people don’t want to join because they have other interests. Making friends takes some sacrifice, but over time you learn to actually enjoy those activities instead of seeing them as pointless and wasteful.

More practically, I think the easiest way to meet people if you aren’t very outgoing is to join organizations. There should be groups for inter mural sports, volunteering, international clubs, or day hiking trips. May not meet new people every time but eventually you’ll connect with some. Your situation is a lot more common than you might think.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#16

Post by egwor »

ardit33 wrote: post #9

1. Become friends with your roommate, and dorm people. You see these people everyday. Say hi to them, and just small talk for only 2-3mins time to time when people are not in a rush. 2. Play sports... (recreational/intramural), coed better. 3. Join a gym, and start exercising/living healthy 4. Make sure your hygiene is on point and dress well/better than the average. Also pay attention to your grooming and other habi…

Stick hygiene at top of your list including making sure that your clothes and bedding are regularly washed. You'll feel better for it anyway and if you're feeling ill/under the weather then you've got a good buffer :)

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#18

Post by jjice »

ardit33 wrote: post #9

1. Become friends with your roommate, and dorm people. You see these people everyday. Say hi to them, and just small talk for only 2-3mins time to time when people are not in a rush. 2. Play sports... (recreational/intramural), coed better. 3. Join a gym, and start exercising/living healthy 4. Make sure your hygiene is on point and dress well/better than the average. Also pay attention to your grooming and other habi…

To add to #5, it might be awkward the first time you invite someone(s) to do something, but think about it like this: no one will think less of you for asking them to have lunch with you. There's a really good chance they're too nervous to ask people to go to lunch with them too.

It's really common in social settings where multiple people want the same thing, but are too nervous to ask the other person. A lot of people don't like making the decision or will wait for someone else to say something, but that usually results in nothing. In the end, there's no real downside to asking.

It can be really hard to meet people, but college gives you constant opportunities to, so there's plenty to take advantage of.

Chat with your class mates and once you've had regular conversation with them a few times, ask them to grab food or study together. The amount of friends I've made from study groups was huge, definitely recommend.

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