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'Speed friending' events

abc.net.au

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Re: 'Speed friending' events

#21

Post by donretag »

mc32 wrote: post #9
jermaustin1 wrote: post #2

I've always wanted a "friending" site. Basically a dating site, but to make friends. I work from home, have a couple of online friends that share the same interests as me, but none of my real-world friends do. I tried a couple of these apps, but I always felt the "friend" had ulterior motives. One friend I connected to, tried to sell me on investments, another I'm fairly certain was trying to hook up as if this were…

Yeah, I think these sites pop up from time to time but seemingly always get pulled and drift towards hookup sites and "dating" sites. I think AFF was one and then became what it is now. Maybe the word "adult" was psychosocially loaded with other meaning in this context and took over the original mission.

The problem with these types of sites is the cold start issue. Not enough users to make people stay engaged. After viewing few to no options, most users will move on.

Bumble tried to tackle the issue with its BFF feature, but it is still underused. Very few people on the app.

Re: 'Speed friending' events

#22

Post by iammisc »

unboxedvariable wrote: post #14
quacked wrote: post #8

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That's a huge question, but I believe the answer is that in a modern first world country, time is expensive and comfort is cheap. (I am also completely ignoring any social changes that have occurred since the pandemic, because all of the pandemic-based social trends started well before it did). People used to meet up and have real hobbies because they were bored and wanted something to do with their time, not because…

Yeah I think this strikes at at least one of the issues, which is time. Although I am less familiar with how availability of time has changed over the generations. I will say I am constantly struck by how some of my relatives from previous generations were able to have 10 kids in a 3 bed house (relatively poor) and survive, let alone be happy. Anyway that one could be relevant overall, but I am curious nonetheless. I…

> I will say I am constantly struck by how some of my relatives from previous generations were able to have 10 kids in a 3 bed house (relatively poor) and survive, let alone be happy. Anyway that one could be relevant overall, but I am curious nonetheless.

I'll offer insight. As someone who attends a very traditional catholic parish, where a ten child family would be considered only slightly above average, the more children you have... the more social you're going to be.

The more kids you have, the larger your network. Your kids become friends with someone else's kid and then you become friends with their parents. If you have two kids with five friends each, then this is 10 parents. If you have ten kids with five friends each, then this is 50, and you now have friends of all different ages, since the kids are not all the same age.

As an example, the lady with one of the most kids at our parish, is also in some ways the center of the social life. She organizes a lot of events, and even if she's not around at a particular event, one of her kids and their family (some of the older ones are married) are there and you can communicate with her through them.

Also, having so many kids, you have to rely on others for help.

When we go to activities where there are smaller families, we notice how little 'help' we get with our children. This makes sense. With only two kids... that's manageable by two people. On the other hand at church, everyone will hold our newborn and toddler, take care of them for a few hours while my wife and I get some nice socializing time. Large families being the norm, everyone wants to help parents with young kids because they want that help reciprocated when they have a newborn or young children again (or in the case of older couples, they feel obligated to pay it forward).

In contrast, with just one or two, it's easy to evolve the 'pull yourself up by the bootstraps' mentality that is becoming so prevalent these days. In some ways, I think the shrinking family size has a lot to do with the loneliness many experience.

Re: 'Speed friending' events

#23

Post by davesque »

unboxedvariable wrote: post #3

What is it about us and society that has moved us in a continually more isolating direction instead of getting better at forming connections. Aren't we more connected now by many orders of magnitude than all previous generations? Are we not able to handle these quick/cheap interactions and do they cause harm instead of satisfaction? Have we replaced meaningful, non-work human interaction with apps that seem to do the…

Lately, I've become convinced that it's simply because so much of our lives is controlled by corporations and their priorities. Whenever I look around and try to figure out why everything looks so bleak; e.g. why does every building look the same, why is everyone's behavior so homogenous and boring, why is there so little creativity, etc.? It's because a very small number of organizations have a huge amount of influence over us. They sell us goods, services, opinions, lifestyles, and so forth. In short, they sell us our lives. And if they don't sell it to us, they at least sell it to someone who then sells it to us. Therefore, if we want less isolation and more of a human world that cares about individuals as people, we should get rid of the corporations.

Re: 'Speed friending' events

#24

Post by GDC7 »

iammisc wrote: post #19
unboxedvariable wrote: post #3

What is it about us and society that has moved us in a continually more isolating direction instead of getting better at forming connections. Aren't we more connected now by many orders of magnitude than all previous generations? Are we not able to handle these quick/cheap interactions and do they cause harm instead of satisfaction? Have we replaced meaningful, non-work human interaction with apps that seem to do the…

People want immediate gratification, and friendship is like dating. Often, I'm the first to take initiative inviting people out... This is fine. I don't care about that. But sometimes, i'll invite someone out I don't click with 100% And this is... okay. Even if I spent money and time on that attempt, I always have a decent enough time, and finding friends requires work. People today don't want to do the work. They ba…

> It absolutely is. My wife and I have spent a good few hours strategizing how to ask people to do various activities, and making lists of people to invite to various things. This is a lot of work that few are willing to do. Even mentioning it can make people think you've gone nuts. But ultimately, friendship, like marriage and dating, is work... it's a choice to put in the effort to be someone's friend.

Why can't we just skip to the drinks part?

Even in places like NYC where there are so many people that fear of rejection is not a factor, there is always in the back of your head the thought of "stranger danger", and the worst is the realization that the other person has that too; but the actual worst is that the both of you know that the other person knows that you know they have "stranger danger" fears.

Honestly it's draining because communities which are wealthy and in which there is no "stranger danger" are the most closed ones.

Kevin Hart summarized it perfectly on Joe Rogan:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wQx9E4iqxM&t=85s

Re: 'Speed friending' events

#25

Post by mrfusion »

iammisc wrote: post #19
unboxedvariable wrote: post #3

What is it about us and society that has moved us in a continually more isolating direction instead of getting better at forming connections. Aren't we more connected now by many orders of magnitude than all previous generations? Are we not able to handle these quick/cheap interactions and do they cause harm instead of satisfaction? Have we replaced meaningful, non-work human interaction with apps that seem to do the…

People want immediate gratification, and friendship is like dating. Often, I'm the first to take initiative inviting people out... This is fine. I don't care about that. But sometimes, i'll invite someone out I don't click with 100% And this is... okay. Even if I spent money and time on that attempt, I always have a decent enough time, and finding friends requires work. People today don't want to do the work. They ba…

I bet you’d love this article: https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/pfibDHFZ3waBo6pAc/intentiona...

Re: 'Speed friending' events

#26

Post by mrfusion »

quacked wrote: post #13
sircastor wrote: post #4

Finding friendship as an adult is an unspoken challenge. I’ve had a little success, but it’s still much more of a challenge than I ever considered when I was younger I recall hearing a story on public radio about a person who moves frequently between RV parks, and said that everyone there makes friends immediately because you don’t have time to feel people out. I’ve wondered if there was something to that - I also wo…

The best model for friendship I've heard as an adult is the "campfire model". It was explained in a Reddit comment that I can't find these days, but I will paraphrase below: "I treat all of my friends as if I'm sitting alone in the wilderness, tending to my campfire. If they come by and want to stay for a while, that's nice, but if they have to go on I understand. Sometimes I go and visit their campfires, but then I…

What’s the alternative to the campfire model?

Re: 'Speed friending' events

#27

Post by foobarian »

davesque wrote: post #23
unboxedvariable wrote: post #3

What is it about us and society that has moved us in a continually more isolating direction instead of getting better at forming connections. Aren't we more connected now by many orders of magnitude than all previous generations? Are we not able to handle these quick/cheap interactions and do they cause harm instead of satisfaction? Have we replaced meaningful, non-work human interaction with apps that seem to do the…

Lately, I've become convinced that it's simply because so much of our lives is controlled by corporations and their priorities. Whenever I look around and try to figure out why everything looks so bleak; e.g. why does every building look the same, why is everyone's behavior so homogenous and boring, why is there so little creativity, etc.? It's because a very small number of organizations have a huge amount of influe…

Yes it will be just like the good old times! When your favorite local feudal lord forced you and your family to stay living on his property. And picked your profession for you and your descendants. Oh and going to church was mandatory, and paying tithes was required by law.

I think maybe I'll take the corporations instead. :-)

Re: 'Speed friending' events

#28

Post by prox »

davesque wrote: post #23
unboxedvariable wrote: post #3

What is it about us and society that has moved us in a continually more isolating direction instead of getting better at forming connections. Aren't we more connected now by many orders of magnitude than all previous generations? Are we not able to handle these quick/cheap interactions and do they cause harm instead of satisfaction? Have we replaced meaningful, non-work human interaction with apps that seem to do the…

Lately, I've become convinced that it's simply because so much of our lives is controlled by corporations and their priorities. Whenever I look around and try to figure out why everything looks so bleak; e.g. why does every building look the same, why is everyone's behavior so homogenous and boring, why is there so little creativity, etc.? It's because a very small number of organizations have a huge amount of influe…

Yay and nay. Yes corporations have a lot / too much influence, but it’s possible to detach from a lot of it and do more analog things. Meetings in the context of clubs, events or hobbies is very much possible.

Re: 'Speed friending' events

#29

Post by iammisc »

GDC7 wrote: post #24
iammisc wrote: post #19

Earlier quoted context omitted.

People want immediate gratification, and friendship is like dating. Often, I'm the first to take initiative inviting people out... This is fine. I don't care about that. But sometimes, i'll invite someone out I don't click with 100% And this is... okay. Even if I spent money and time on that attempt, I always have a decent enough time, and finding friends requires work. People today don't want to do the work. They ba…

> It absolutely is. My wife and I have spent a good few hours strategizing how to ask people to do various activities, and making lists of people to invite to various things. This is a lot of work that few are willing to do. Even mentioning it can make people think you've gone nuts. But ultimately, friendship, like marriage and dating, is work... it's a choice to put in the effort to be someone's friend. Why can't we…

> Why can't we just skip to the drinks part?

Well if COVID didn't exist, I would have invited everyone we knew to a large baptism party, but given that we can't do that and are basically resolved to socializing in our homes, we can only invite one family over at a time. Thus, we have to prioritize, and frankly, the ones we believe are most likely to turn into friends get priority.

Re: 'Speed friending' events

#30

Post by agent327 »

unboxedvariable wrote: post #3

What is it about us and society that has moved us in a continually more isolating direction instead of getting better at forming connections. Aren't we more connected now by many orders of magnitude than all previous generations? Are we not able to handle these quick/cheap interactions and do they cause harm instead of satisfaction? Have we replaced meaningful, non-work human interaction with apps that seem to do the…

I suspect we can only handle a finite (and quite small) number of meaningful connections. The modern age has grown the number of available options from just those people within walking distance, i.e. at most a few thousand, to everyone within range of your car and your internet connection. That's billions of people, far too great a number for us to deal with.

Yet here we are, talking through the magic of the internet, but we're destined to remain strangers to one another. So although the discussion may be interesting, in the end we are not actually making new friends.

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