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'Speed friending' events

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Re: 'Speed friending' events

#11

Post by tasogare »

toto444 wrote: post #10
unboxedvariable wrote: post #3

What is it about us and society that has moved us in a continually more isolating direction instead of getting better at forming connections. Aren't we more connected now by many orders of magnitude than all previous generations? Are we not able to handle these quick/cheap interactions and do they cause harm instead of satisfaction? Have we replaced meaningful, non-work human interaction with apps that seem to do the…

As a dumb phone user I have noticed this paradox. Smartphones allow you to do things on your own. That completely rules out random encounters or discussions. If you have a question instead of asking someone and start a conversation you can just Google it. No need to ask your way to locals, you have Google map.

Not totally true. I'm still asking questions from time to time to people because I'm confused about place or how to do things (I'm living in a foreign country). Depending on the context some people are glad to converse instead of being on their phones. Creating long term relationships is very hard, but small talk isn't much harder than before.

Re: 'Speed friending' events

#12

Post by unboxedvariable »

toto444 wrote: post #10
unboxedvariable wrote: post #3

What is it about us and society that has moved us in a continually more isolating direction instead of getting better at forming connections. Aren't we more connected now by many orders of magnitude than all previous generations? Are we not able to handle these quick/cheap interactions and do they cause harm instead of satisfaction? Have we replaced meaningful, non-work human interaction with apps that seem to do the…

As a dumb phone user I have noticed this paradox. Smartphones allow you to do things on your own. That completely rules out random encounters or discussions. If you have a question instead of asking someone and start a conversation you can just Google it. No need to ask your way to locals, you have Google map.

This is interesting. I recently heard a similar example that pointed out that say for a simple query like "who won that game between so and so a few years ago", you could easily look it up online and get an answer in a few seconds. But you would be missing the back and forth of follow up questions and such that would arise if you asked a person. And that could be a whole conversation in itself. In that sense, the question of who won the game ceases to be what is interesting about the potential conversation. Like if I go look up that question and get an answer privately without sharing it with someone do I even care about the answer? Taking that further, it's almost like having the ability to look up answers completely misses that the point of asking it in the first place is to further human interaction and experience.

Re: 'Speed friending' events

#13

Post by quacked »

sircastor wrote: post #4

Finding friendship as an adult is an unspoken challenge. I’ve had a little success, but it’s still much more of a challenge than I ever considered when I was younger I recall hearing a story on public radio about a person who moves frequently between RV parks, and said that everyone there makes friends immediately because you don’t have time to feel people out. I’ve wondered if there was something to that - I also wo…

The best model for friendship I've heard as an adult is the "campfire model". It was explained in a Reddit comment that I can't find these days, but I will paraphrase below:

"I treat all of my friends as if I'm sitting alone in the wilderness, tending to my campfire. If they come by and want to stay for a while, that's nice, but if they have to go on I understand. Sometimes I go and visit their campfires, but then I have to leave."

It's not possible to have friends in adulthood the way they were had in youth; adults have responsibilities, families, and near-complete identities that clash against the demands of a highly-involved social group with lots of friends.

I think it's better that way. One or two close friends that you can trust for the rest of your life will be better than many new friends that have to be kept track of.

Re: 'Speed friending' events

#14

Post by unboxedvariable »

quacked wrote: post #8
unboxedvariable wrote: post #3

What is it about us and society that has moved us in a continually more isolating direction instead of getting better at forming connections. Aren't we more connected now by many orders of magnitude than all previous generations? Are we not able to handle these quick/cheap interactions and do they cause harm instead of satisfaction? Have we replaced meaningful, non-work human interaction with apps that seem to do the…

That's a huge question, but I believe the answer is that in a modern first world country, time is expensive and comfort is cheap. (I am also completely ignoring any social changes that have occurred since the pandemic, because all of the pandemic-based social trends started well before it did). People used to meet up and have real hobbies because they were bored and wanted something to do with their time, not because…

Yeah I think this strikes at at least one of the issues, which is time. Although I am less familiar with how availability of time has changed over the generations. I will say I am constantly struck by how some of my relatives from previous generations were able to have 10 kids in a 3 bed house (relatively poor) and survive, let alone be happy. Anyway that one could be relevant overall, but I am curious nonetheless.

I think one other reason could be the tendency to mistake having a question that could be looked up online for the desire for human interaction that the question maybe was supposed to lead to. That may sound like a small/isolated observation but I could be convinced that the behavior change has broader consequences for how we view people/interaction.

I think there are probably many other factors at play here.

Re: 'Speed friending' events

#15

Post by nicoburns »

jermaustin1 wrote: post #2

I've always wanted a "friending" site. Basically a dating site, but to make friends. I work from home, have a couple of online friends that share the same interests as me, but none of my real-world friends do. I tried a couple of these apps, but I always felt the "friend" had ulterior motives. One friend I connected to, tried to sell me on investments, another I'm fairly certain was trying to hook up as if this were…

Meetup is the best app I've found for this. The group nature of most of the events steers it away from tending towards dating.

Re: 'Speed friending' events

#16

Post by iammisc »

quacked wrote: post #8
unboxedvariable wrote: post #3

What is it about us and society that has moved us in a continually more isolating direction instead of getting better at forming connections. Aren't we more connected now by many orders of magnitude than all previous generations? Are we not able to handle these quick/cheap interactions and do they cause harm instead of satisfaction? Have we replaced meaningful, non-work human interaction with apps that seem to do the…

That's a huge question, but I believe the answer is that in a modern first world country, time is expensive and comfort is cheap. (I am also completely ignoring any social changes that have occurred since the pandemic, because all of the pandemic-based social trends started well before it did). People used to meet up and have real hobbies because they were bored and wanted something to do with their time, not because…

> I am at the last few years of my life before I have children and have the most advantageous combination of free time, youthly energy, and money that I will ever have

I had children younger than most, and have never been starved for friends. I'll think you'll find that far from being isolating, having children will immediately start making you friends.

IME, the time before children was the most isolating part.

Re: 'Speed friending' events

#17

Post by iammisc »

quacked wrote: post #13
sircastor wrote: post #4

Finding friendship as an adult is an unspoken challenge. I’ve had a little success, but it’s still much more of a challenge than I ever considered when I was younger I recall hearing a story on public radio about a person who moves frequently between RV parks, and said that everyone there makes friends immediately because you don’t have time to feel people out. I’ve wondered if there was something to that - I also wo…

The best model for friendship I've heard as an adult is the "campfire model". It was explained in a Reddit comment that I can't find these days, but I will paraphrase below: "I treat all of my friends as if I'm sitting alone in the wilderness, tending to my campfire. If they come by and want to stay for a while, that's nice, but if they have to go on I understand. Sometimes I go and visit their campfires, but then I…

I have two thoughts here. You seem to imply that having many many shallow friends is normal... but it's not necessarily the case.

I think it's totally normal to have one or two close friends and then other more distant ones that are constantly coming and going.

Personally, yes adulthood changes things. Obviously, we're working and such. But, you also get to have way more fun as an adult than you could as a child.

> families

I don't understand why so many people find having kids an obstacle to making friends. If anything, my children have dramatically expanded my social network, since I'm now friends with their playmates parents.

Here's the second thought: I'm not sure I fully agree with the campfire model. If anything, my adult friendships are deeper and much better, and more 'involved', in that, I can call, text, interact, etc, with my friends while working via my phone, which we weren't allowed to do in grade school.

Also, since we're all adults with full lives, families, etc, the friendship is about more than just 'hey we both like ', it's also about navigating through such a full life, whereas childhood friendships were about childish things.

Re: 'Speed friending' events

#18

Post by vikingerik »

jermaustin1 wrote: post #2

I've always wanted a "friending" site. Basically a dating site, but to make friends. I work from home, have a couple of online friends that share the same interests as me, but none of my real-world friends do. I tried a couple of these apps, but I always felt the "friend" had ulterior motives. One friend I connected to, tried to sell me on investments, another I'm fairly certain was trying to hook up as if this were…

This is Meetup.com. (Or was before the pandemic; most groups I've looked at still haven't resumed, and who knows when the hysteria will ever subside.)

It is easier to find people that share your interests and make them friends, than to make your friends share your interests. Meetup and perhaps local Facebook groups are the way in to that.

Re: 'Speed friending' events

#19

Post by iammisc »

unboxedvariable wrote: post #3

What is it about us and society that has moved us in a continually more isolating direction instead of getting better at forming connections. Aren't we more connected now by many orders of magnitude than all previous generations? Are we not able to handle these quick/cheap interactions and do they cause harm instead of satisfaction? Have we replaced meaningful, non-work human interaction with apps that seem to do the…

People want immediate gratification, and friendship is like dating.

Often, I'm the first to take initiative inviting people out... This is fine. I don't care about that. But sometimes, i'll invite someone out I don't click with 100%

And this is... okay. Even if I spent money and time on that attempt, I always have a decent enough time, and finding friends requires work.

People today don't want to do the work. They barely want to do it for dating but sexual desire provides an itch they need to satisfy so they ultimately figure it out (as well as parental pressure I presume).

Making friends is a long process requiring strategy and continued effort.

For example, we just moved to a new area. We've been going to a few events consistently (children's soccer practice, church, etc). My wife and I both make it a point to speak to as many people as possible. After a few months of doing this, we'll casually ask for a number. Usually it's something like.. "Oh, you like to do ? I love doing ... I just read a great article about ... do you want me to send it to you? CAn I have your number?"

Anyway, after a few more weeks go by with some more interactions, and hopefully a few text messages back and forth, we'll casually ask for them to come over for drinks, dinner, etc.

Does this sound contrived and 'social engineering'y? It absolutely is. My wife and I have spent a good few hours strategizing how to ask people to do various activities, and making lists of people to invite to various things. This is a lot of work that few are willing to do. Even mentioning it can make people think you've gone nuts. But ultimately, friendship, like marriage and dating, is work... it's a choice to put in the effort to be someone's friend.

Re: 'Speed friending' events

#20

Post by sndean »

Over the past few years on HN I've periodically seen a nice exchange between people saying "if anyone is in Austin and wants to get a beer, let me know." There's normally a response or two. I wonder how many of these people actually meet up?

And is HN good (or not) for this purpose? Seems like readers/commenters here could easily have a lot in common, so why couldn't HN be used as a platform for 'speed friending.' But of course I'd probably never meet up with HN-ers in the DC area... because I like to tell myself that I'm busy.

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