Anyone have any tips for someone who's a bit interested in chess but is a complete beginner? As in, I know how the pieces move but I couldn't win a game against a blindfolded dachshund puppy. My ELO would be negative (I'd be so improbably bad that it breaks mathematics). It's just not clear where to start.
Drill tactics, like practicing pawns-only exercises and others that get you to use a small group of pieces in concert and without the distraction of a full game, to quickly get a feel for the kinds of moves & patterns that are good for them, and the kinds that are bad. Then, in actual games, apply that while focusing on advancing while keeping all your pieces guarded by at least one other, nearly all the time, while projecting lines of attack as far as possible (queen, bishops, rooks). Then focus on getting good at checkmating—it can be weirdly hard to pin down a king in the late game without practice, and getting better at spotting and exploiting early mate opportunities is one of the biggest level-ups you can get, early on.
I wouldn't worry about memorizing openings and such until after you feel like you're hitting a wall with all that.