Tired of dating apps, Vancouver man launches social experiment to find companion • Hacker News Board

Re: Tired of dating apps, Vancouver man launches social experiment to find companion

#101

Post by yissp » Sun, Sep 19, 2021, 2:04 PM UTC

emptysongglass wrote: post #89

doctorwho42 wrote: post #9

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Unfortunately okcupid has trended away from what it was 5+ years ago. My last SO was through okcupid right before they changed the incentives in the system. Now it has been driven towards the same swipe culture as all the other apps. Though you can still answer questions and write detailed profile... The system doesn't seem to promote that as much. My key gripe right now with how it is setup is that the only discover…

I really want to call out the technical founders here, Chris Coyne and Max Krohn, because they've done nothing but leave a legacy of abandoned products in the hands of untrustworthy companies: in the case of OkCupid they sold to Match.com which devastated the site committing it to the same wastebasket as Match.com's portfolio of other predatory dating products. Then they created Keybase, which was fantastic, before s…

Building new things is fun, maintaining what you've built not as much. I suspect most software people would agree.

Re: Tired of dating apps, Vancouver man launches social experiment to find companion

#102

Post by cableshaft » Sun, Sep 19, 2021, 2:17 PM UTC

minikomi wrote: post #87

vgel wrote: post #46

I wonder what, if anything, will replace dating apps. As someone who tried dating apps for a while, I never had much luck with them. I ended up meeting my wife in person at the LGBTQ center at my college, we were friends for awhile, started dating, then got married a couple years later. I'm not sure what dating apps optimize for. It's easy to say "for hookups!", but it seems like a very low% of matches on those apps…

I think a largely unsolved problem is it's more satisfying to match than to re-kindle a conversation with a past match. The window after a match where a conversation can spark and lead to an offline interaction is fleeting and, once gone, it feels weird to re-message a past match.

My wife actually did that for me.

She pinged me and we talked briefly, but at the time I had just gotten a new job a couple of hours away and was considering moving closer to the job (and away from her), and she didn't want to do anything long distance.

About a year later I had switched jobs back into the area, was still on the same dating platform, and she pinged me again. We've been together for over six years now.

Re: Tired of dating apps, Vancouver man launches social experiment to find companion

#103

Post by leodriesch » Sun, Sep 19, 2021, 2:21 PM UTC

nly wrote: post #99

vgel wrote: post #46

I wonder what, if anything, will replace dating apps. As someone who tried dating apps for a while, I never had much luck with them. I ended up meeting my wife in person at the LGBTQ center at my college, we were friends for awhile, started dating, then got married a couple years later. I'm not sure what dating apps optimize for. It's easy to say "for hookups!", but it seems like a very low% of matches on those apps…

> I wonder what, if anything, will replace dating apps. A friend of mine, John, first met his future wife while accompanying a third friend to an evening of speed dating. The thing is, neither John nor his now wife, actually participated . They were both there, begrudgingly providing moral support to their respective friends, and smugly watching the whole spectacle from the sidelines, when they struck up conversation…

This would make a great romantic comedy^^

Re: Tired of dating apps, Vancouver man launches social experiment to find companion

#104

Post by octorian » Sun, Sep 19, 2021, 2:22 PM UTC

brandall10 wrote: post #100

vgel wrote: post #46

I wonder what, if anything, will replace dating apps. As someone who tried dating apps for a while, I never had much luck with them. I ended up meeting my wife in person at the LGBTQ center at my college, we were friends for awhile, started dating, then got married a couple years later. I'm not sure what dating apps optimize for. It's easy to say "for hookups!", but it seems like a very low% of matches on those apps…

As a 45yo straight male, I’ve found women are eager to set up a meeting within the first five or so messages, sometimes even hinting at it by the 2nd message… all I have to say is something like “it says we’re 15 miles apart, what part of town are you in?” and they’ll suggest meeting somewhere in the middle. Of course I’m dealing with an older than primary demographic (30-50), which might have something to do with it…

> I’ve found women are eager to set up a meeting within the first five or so messages, sometimes even hinting at it by the 2nd message

That's probably because they've had enough experience to become aware of "the great lie" with all of these approaches to dating, and are tired of wasting time with it. That is, the fantasy that the online conversation actually has any real meaning whatsoever.

No matter how much time you spend chatting or exchanging messages virtually, it is completely and utterly meaningless when held up against the first 5 minutes of that first in-person meet-up. So getting to that stage as quickly as possible tends to be the best for everyone.

Re: Tired of dating apps, Vancouver man launches social experiment to find companion

#105

Post by leodriesch » Sun, Sep 19, 2021, 2:26 PM UTC

minikomi wrote: post #87

vgel wrote: post #46

I wonder what, if anything, will replace dating apps. As someone who tried dating apps for a while, I never had much luck with them. I ended up meeting my wife in person at the LGBTQ center at my college, we were friends for awhile, started dating, then got married a couple years later. I'm not sure what dating apps optimize for. It's easy to say "for hookups!", but it seems like a very low% of matches on those apps…

I think a largely unsolved problem is it's more satisfying to match than to re-kindle a conversation with a past match. The window after a match where a conversation can spark and lead to an offline interaction is fleeting and, once gone, it feels weird to re-message a past match.

I feel like this is partly something the dating app companies do on purpose.

There is this inherent problem that if the dating app does its job well, it will inevitably lose the customer. The ideal customer does a lot of matching is more into hookups than actual dating, so the dating app in incentivized to optimize for this behavior rather than focusing on matching people based on character to increase the possibility of a long term relationship.

Re: Tired of dating apps, Vancouver man launches social experiment to find companion

#106

Post by paulryanrogers » Sun, Sep 19, 2021, 2:26 PM UTC

baobabKoodaa wrote: post #50

kortex wrote: post #29

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That approach for most folks is a) really daunting b) usually extremely low odds of success. It's one thing if it's someone in a social circle, however big. Total stranger? Seems to only result in frustration for most folks.

It's a skill that can be learned.

Skill is certainly involved, as are sometimes crushing demographics. I grew up in churches that taught one to only date non-Catholic Christians. In the area those were rare, especially single ones my age. Then everyone has deal breakers further reducing the pool of possible candidates. I learned to be less picky but still had to travel about 50 miles away and only made 2 successful matches (i.e. second date) over 5y.

Re: Tired of dating apps, Vancouver man launches social experiment to find companion

#107

Post by nly » Sun, Sep 19, 2021, 2:28 PM UTC

brandall10 wrote: post #100

vgel wrote: post #46

I wonder what, if anything, will replace dating apps. As someone who tried dating apps for a while, I never had much luck with them. I ended up meeting my wife in person at the LGBTQ center at my college, we were friends for awhile, started dating, then got married a couple years later. I'm not sure what dating apps optimize for. It's easy to say "for hookups!", but it seems like a very low% of matches on those apps…

As a 45yo straight male, I’ve found women are eager to set up a meeting within the first five or so messages, sometimes even hinting at it by the 2nd message… all I have to say is something like “it says we’re 15 miles apart, what part of town are you in?” and they’ll suggest meeting somewhere in the middle. Of course I’m dealing with an older than primary demographic (30-50), which might have something to do with it…

I met my partner (of 3 years) on Tinder, and I agree this is a thing.

One thing she often says is I was within a hairs breath of being deleted, because we chatted on Tinder and then WhatsApp for a couple of weeks before our first date. For me it was natural, as I've always been comfortable chatting to people online (via IRC etc)

Re: Tired of dating apps, Vancouver man launches social experiment to find companion

#108

Post by lotsofpulp » Sun, Sep 19, 2021, 2:34 PM UTC

COGlory wrote: post #73

photochemsyn wrote: post #24

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In my experience of human society, marriage is extremely transactional. It's modern legal form was invented largely to legally codify how wealth transfers related to marriages would be handled, essentially. A marriage in today's society is more of a business partnership than anything else; infidelity is as common as not. Often in wealthy circles joint business ownership precludes divorce as well, so enter the side pa…

I'm very sorry that has been your experience.

Every interaction in life is transactional.

But there is no requirement to view or focus on everything through a single lens.

Re: Tired of dating apps, Vancouver man launches social experiment to find companion

#109

Post by CyberDildonics » Sun, Sep 19, 2021, 2:34 PM UTC

dazc wrote: post #96

CyberDildonics wrote: post #78

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you've never used one, how do you know?

For somone who's never used a dating app, he seems to have a fairly good idea.

Why do you think that? Nothing really matters until you meet up in person and once you do, how you planned it doesn't really matter. It isn't some backpage transaction, there isn't any commitment or investment before you meet up. If you want to leave you leave.

Re: Tired of dating apps, Vancouver man launches social experiment to find companion

#110

Post by peab » Sun, Sep 19, 2021, 2:35 PM UTC

rubyist5eva wrote: post #15

Whatever happened to just asking pretty girls you see on dates? That’s how I met my wife. Total stranger, gave her my number and asked her out for coffee. Been married ten years now.

It's very daunting, but in my experience it's extremely rewarding