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Tired of dating apps, Vancouver man launches social experiment to find companion

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Re: Tired of dating apps, Vancouver man launches social experiment to find companion

#41

Post by eloff »

blunte wrote: post #30

This makes a nice news story, but based on the criteria mentioned, it is doomed to failure. 1. There are very, very few life-long partnerships. And of the ones that are, some of them are for reciprocal benefits (not love); some are because the people are too scared or complacent to leave; some are because the two are completely lacking in ambition and hope for a better future. Most people change over time, and most p…

That's way too cynical a view. It's often accurate, but it certainly does not describe all relationships. I've been married 8 years now and it's not at all like that. It's not a fairytale either, but it's a real love. While we've both grown and changed a lot, we haven't grown apart.

There's hope, and it's a tough dating world out there, but if you have your attitude is over before you start.

Re: Tired of dating apps, Vancouver man launches social experiment to find companion

#42

Post by datameta »

blunte wrote: post #30

This makes a nice news story, but based on the criteria mentioned, it is doomed to failure. 1. There are very, very few life-long partnerships. And of the ones that are, some of them are for reciprocal benefits (not love); some are because the people are too scared or complacent to leave; some are because the two are completely lacking in ambition and hope for a better future. Most people change over time, and most p…

There are quite a few contrived scenarios in there, but I don't disagree with the last paragraph. For some people that sort of thing (not without effort, patience, understanding, caring, etc) can bring both spontaneous adventure deep discovery. Others are fortunate enough to find it primarily with one person.

Re: Tired of dating apps, Vancouver man launches social experiment to find companion

#43

Post by toss1 »

klipt wrote: post #14
doctorwho42 wrote: post #9

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Unfortunately okcupid has trended away from what it was 5+ years ago. My last SO was through okcupid right before they changed the incentives in the system. Now it has been driven towards the same swipe culture as all the other apps. Though you can still answer questions and write detailed profile... The system doesn't seem to promote that as much. My key gripe right now with how it is setup is that the only discover…

The incentives of dating apps are all wrong for the daters. They want to maximize users, which means they want you to keep dating through the app forever. Finding you a great long term match is, from their perspective, losing a repeat customer . Ironically the old fashioned matchmaker who only took a fee after the wedding had much better aligned incentives.

>>Ironically the old fashioned matchmaker who only took a fee after the wedding had much better aligned incentives.

And that, right there, is probably the key principle for a solid matchmaking app...

Re: Tired of dating apps, Vancouver man launches social experiment to find companion

#44

Post by GPerson »

echan00 wrote: post #33
blunte wrote: post #30

This makes a nice news story, but based on the criteria mentioned, it is doomed to failure. 1. There are very, very few life-long partnerships. And of the ones that are, some of them are for reciprocal benefits (not love); some are because the people are too scared or complacent to leave; some are because the two are completely lacking in ambition and hope for a better future. Most people change over time, and most p…

You sound so pessimistic you should just keep your comments to yourself from now on out.

I don’t agree with this person’s comments but I don’t think they should be told to shut up either. They have an interesting viewpoint.

Re: Tired of dating apps, Vancouver man launches social experiment to find companion

#45

Post by bluejay2 »

coder583 wrote: post #40
cassonmars wrote: post #12

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Being on the other side of that though is: join app, wade through many low quality matches because the ratio is like 10:1, become extremely choosy because every right swipe is a match. It produces really bad psychological effects for both cohorts.

There is an approximately equal amount of men and women in the population. How is it possible that so many matches are "low quality" for women?

Women are, in general, hypergamous, meaning they are looking for men who are "above" them along some dimension: wealth, status, looks, education, etc. I can not find the link, but I read somewhere once that something like the "top" 80% of women are competing over the "top" 20% of men. In other words, the "bottom" 80% of men are un-dateable for those women. That is how you end up with the situation described.

Re: Tired of dating apps, Vancouver man launches social experiment to find companion

#46

Post by vgel »

I wonder what, if anything, will replace dating apps. As someone who tried dating apps for a while, I never had much luck with them. I ended up meeting my wife in person at the LGBTQ center at my college, we were friends for awhile, started dating, then got married a couple years later.

I'm not sure what dating apps optimize for. It's easy to say "for hookups!", but it seems like a very low% of matches on those apps lead to any kind of in-person connection, date or hookup: anecdotally I think I had a few hundred matches on Tinder, but only went on ~10 dates / hookups as a consequence. For most matches, the conversation would fizzle after a few messages. Maybe it's different for straight people?

My hypothesis is there's a "Market for Lemons"[1] problem here: take a pool of potential matches on Tinder. The pools narrow like so:

100% of people are on the app (given)

xyzPeople in each pool will be selected out of the swiping pool, leaving the people left for you to swipe on being, on average, less committed to ultimately going on a date. For example: people in the `z` group will get into short/long-term relationships and stop using Tinder. People in the `y` group will be busy texting with someone they met on Tinder (using pickup lines, etc.) and swipe less. Etc, etc.

I'm not sure how a dating app would solve this issue. Traditional ways of finding partners, like meeting people at a bar or hobby group or at college, doesn't either: it's just there's a benefit to making friends or talking to people beyond trying to hook up or start dating them. Most people, if they make 5 friends at a college club but don't start dating any of them, are still happy, I would think.

[1]: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Market_for_Lemons

[2]: Why would people match or reply to a message, but not want to go on a date? I've anecdotally known several people who do this: some just wanted validation from random strangers, some are just shy and would theoretically want to go on a date but didn't work up the courage to actually do it, etc. etc. Lots of reasons.

Re: Tired of dating apps, Vancouver man launches social experiment to find companion

#47

Post by blunte »

dr_dshiv wrote: post #37
blunte wrote: post #30

This makes a nice news story, but based on the criteria mentioned, it is doomed to failure. 1. There are very, very few life-long partnerships. And of the ones that are, some of them are for reciprocal benefits (not love); some are because the people are too scared or complacent to leave; some are because the two are completely lacking in ambition and hope for a better future. Most people change over time, and most p…

It's not rocket science. It is, however, really hard. It's very hard to know whether to stay or go but i generally feel happy with marriage and kids. While it takes a lot of time and soul, it removes the need to be looking for someone, which can leave a lot of time for working on what i want to be working on. That's optimistic, but, hey.

Marriage and kids can be a very happy and enriching experience, for all involved. I'm not disputing that. (I had 15 years of magnificent marriage and have two amazing young adult children. I wouldn't trade that for anything.)

But this assumption that two people who find each other a perfect match now will still feel that way in 5, 10, 20, 40 years is just unrealistic. It would be much better if people understood that we are all unique, and we all grow and expand in different ways. Sometimes a couple grows in the same way (and usually they do, quite a lot); but sometimes one of the couple grows in a different direction - discovers something important to them which pulls them away. It doesn't mean there was a problem with the other person or the relationship. A very simple example is when one person finds their career developing and fulfilling, but the other partner has a happy life in a certain town, near their family, friends, etc. To stay together, one of them probably must give up something very important. But to realize that a parting doesn't mean losing connection, it just means going separate ways, is natural.

Re: Tired of dating apps, Vancouver man launches social experiment to find companion

#48

Post by fn-mote »

blunte wrote: post #30

This makes a nice news story, but based on the criteria mentioned, it is doomed to failure. 1. There are very, very few life-long partnerships. And of the ones that are, some of them are for reciprocal benefits (not love); some are because the people are too scared or complacent to leave; some are because the two are completely lacking in ambition and hope for a better future. Most people change over time, and most p…

While I disagree with this comment, I think that others who disagree should post substantive comments instead of snark. Shallow dismissals are missing an opportunity to refute claims you disagree with.

Unfortunately, I think most of the points here are spot on.

#2 (swiping is for physical excitement) and #4 (an offer of money creates incentives for un-genuine behavior) seem indisputable and deserve to be addressed

#1 (few life-long partnerships)

According to some random web site [1], about 45% of US marriages end in divorce. This seems to support assertion #1.

#3 (online communication does not compare to the quality of in-person communication): Seems like a no-brainer assertion to me, HN posts excepted... (j/k). Of course the online communication is supposed to lead to other opportunities to get to know someone better, so it should really be compared to hanging out in a bar or something. Which I would expect is also (relatively) ineffective at helping find a partner.

I mean, really I think the claim that there are few life-long partnerships is not relevant. A relationship needs a place to start and grow. Later failure of a relationship that "could have" worked out isn't an indication that the filters applied at the start are not functioning correctly.

Re: Tired of dating apps, Vancouver man launches social experiment to find companion

#49

Post by baobabKoodaa »

bluejay2 wrote: post #45
coder583 wrote: post #40

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There is an approximately equal amount of men and women in the population. How is it possible that so many matches are "low quality" for women?

Women are, in general, hypergamous, meaning they are looking for men who are "above" them along some dimension: wealth, status, looks, education, etc. I can not find the link, but I read somewhere once that something like the "top" 80% of women are competing over the "top" 20% of men. In other words, the "bottom" 80% of men are un-dateable for those women. That is how you end up with the situation described.

Sounds like you've read the OkCupid blog post that used to be online, before Match decided to buy OkCupid and censor them.

Re: Tired of dating apps, Vancouver man launches social experiment to find companion

#50

Post by baobabKoodaa »

kortex wrote: post #29
rubyist5eva wrote: post #15

Whatever happened to just asking pretty girls you see on dates? That’s how I met my wife. Total stranger, gave her my number and asked her out for coffee. Been married ten years now.

That approach for most folks is a) really daunting b) usually extremely low odds of success. It's one thing if it's someone in a social circle, however big. Total stranger? Seems to only result in frustration for most folks.

It's a skill that can be learned.
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