Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

The art of not taking things personally

medium.dave-bailey.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

41–50 of 177 posts

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#41

Post by watwut »

dwaltrip wrote: post #32
black_13 wrote: post #20

I really dont want to understand your poor behaviors or empathize with an abuser.

Without understanding, we can’t take productive action. Of course, one can instead exit the situation, which may be the right move and doesn’t require much understanding. But that is often not an option.

> Without understanding, we can’t take productive action.

That is not true. You can protect against abusers without understanding them. Whether making sure you respond (so that you are not attractive target) or leaving or going public or retaliating.

But, victims who believe they need to understand and emphasize with them end up excusing abusers, blaming themselves and end up perpetual victims.

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#42

Post by hammock »

mensetmanusman wrote: post #14

I don’t know if this is a mental hack or not, but I found years ago that if I mentally sing the comments (that I know would upset me otherwise), it totally removes the emotional impact of other people’s negative writing. When I was contemplating why this might be so effective, I was reminded that satire of old often involved singing to point out other peoples absurdity. When you think about how much the powerful fear…

Love this. It reminds me of the whole "celebrities read mean tweets about themselves on Jimmy Kimmel" thing. Taking a comment out of context really blunts its power

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#43

Post by jetrink »

scns wrote: post #35
foobiekr wrote: post #22

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've had this experience myself. Actually, your description is so much kinder than mine that I think I will adopt it. What I have said up until now is that as I've gotten older, my emotional level has declined very substantially, especially in the last ten years. It's like the volume got turned down. Very few things bother me, and very few things excite me. I'd associated it until now with a sort of depersonalization…

Aristoteles wrote this is the goal IIRC. In buddhism they aim for something similar, neither being swayed by your desires nor fears, stay calm enables being able to act instead only reacting to external stimuli on autopilot. Nothing wrong with it IMSO.

> IMSO

In my stoic opinion?

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#44

Post by dwaltrip »

watwut wrote: post #41
dwaltrip wrote: post #32

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Without understanding, we can’t take productive action. Of course, one can instead exit the situation, which may be the right move and doesn’t require much understanding. But that is often not an option.

> Without understanding, we can’t take productive action. That is not true. You can protect against abusers without understanding them. Whether making sure you respond (so that you are not attractive target) or leaving or going public or retaliating. But, victims who believe they need to understand and emphasize with them end up excusing abusers, blaming themselves and end up perpetual victims.

That’s a good point. And for victims that may be the best way to move forward.

However, beyond helping any victims — which is incredibly important and should be the first priority — the type of productive actions we can take are limited if we don’t have understanding of what is going on.

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#46

Post by rojobuffalo »

scns wrote: post #35
foobiekr wrote: post #22

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've had this experience myself. Actually, your description is so much kinder than mine that I think I will adopt it. What I have said up until now is that as I've gotten older, my emotional level has declined very substantially, especially in the last ten years. It's like the volume got turned down. Very few things bother me, and very few things excite me. I'd associated it until now with a sort of depersonalization…

Aristoteles wrote this is the goal IIRC. In buddhism they aim for something similar, neither being swayed by your desires nor fears, stay calm enables being able to act instead only reacting to external stimuli on autopilot. Nothing wrong with it IMSO.

i love coming back to the 4 thoughts (buddhism). 1. impermance 2. suffering 3. karma 4. precious human birth

suffering arises as a failure to recognize impermanence. thoughts and behaviors that reduce suffering create ripple effects (karma), and the same is true of thoughts and behaviors that increase suffering. and it is a rare opportunity to be born as a human and to reflect on our own conciousness and the 4 thoughts.

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#47

Post by tharkun__ »

weaksauce wrote: post #34
foobiekr wrote: post #22

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've had this experience myself. Actually, your description is so much kinder than mine that I think I will adopt it. What I have said up until now is that as I've gotten older, my emotional level has declined very substantially, especially in the last ten years. It's like the volume got turned down. Very few things bother me, and very few things excite me. I'd associated it until now with a sort of depersonalization…

you sure that's not a depressive episode worth talking to your doctor about? depression isn't just the stereotypical dread and angst that the movies typically display. it's more of a nothing tastes great anymore, I'm apathetic toward life, nothing excites me, etc.

Disclaimer: not the OP here.

I can echo what he said though and I can tell you I am definitely not depressed. Some things do excite me, some thing do still piss me off. But overall it's definitely less. Good on the getting aggravated 'for no good reason' side. Sort of sad (not in the being depressed way) on the being excited for something side.

E.g. I still have my pet peeves at work that I will passionately talk about or convince you of. I will not get mad at you any longer if you don't change that variable name to exactly the wording I suggested.

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#48

Post by jacobr1 »

weaksauce wrote: post #34
foobiekr wrote: post #22

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've had this experience myself. Actually, your description is so much kinder than mine that I think I will adopt it. What I have said up until now is that as I've gotten older, my emotional level has declined very substantially, especially in the last ten years. It's like the volume got turned down. Very few things bother me, and very few things excite me. I'd associated it until now with a sort of depersonalization…

you sure that's not a depressive episode worth talking to your doctor about? depression isn't just the stereotypical dread and angst that the movies typically display. it's more of a nothing tastes great anymore, I'm apathetic toward life, nothing excites me, etc.

I'm not the OP, but I've noticed something similar myself. I still have certain things I'm passionate about. But I no longer feel the need (or rather I don't just automatically become invested in every topic that comes up in my environment).

People do outrageous things in the world, and an earlier me might have had a self-righteous anger about it. Today, while I certainly have an intellectual care, I have the luxury of putting such things out of mind and just enjoying my day. I still take proactive steps to better the world where I think it makes sense, but not out any emotional fervor. I save my passions for my family, hobbies, and a subset of professional interests.

I haven't read the book, but from the abstract, I suspect "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" by Mark Manson is basically where I arrived. I have learned I have only so my F's to give, and so spend them more wisely.

Post reply on HN