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My dead dad’s journal

seanblanda.com

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Re: My dead dad’s journal

#91

Post by schrijver »

tbronchain wrote: post #62

I felt very strongly with this story - and thank you for sharing. My mother passed away at 59. She was healthy, and thought she had decades to live. Then she got sick, and thought she had years. Few months later, we had a call on our way to the hospital, she was dead. I didn't have the greatest relationship with my mother and the disease didn't allow us to do more than scratch the surface. She wasn't an open person b…

Sorry to hear of your loss.

> I, for some strange/personal reasons struggle to write what's in my head.

I don’t think that’s strange at all. Most of us can use language to get by through daily live, but to put to words our own thoughts in a way that other’s can read them later is really difficult.

> If you have felt in a similar way, I am very interested in hearing stories on how you overcame this.

I recognise this. For me writing small self-contained fragments is a good way to get started. Tweets are too small. But essays are too big.

The problem with writing your own thoughts is that in your mind everything’s connected: the challenge is to cut some connections and make a bit of text that can stand on its own two feet. And then learn to enjoy the things that make text work, the rhythm, the tone, the choice of words.

Like with any creative endeavour, you need to build up a muscle to do it. I think the actual platform doesn’t matter at all. It could be a paper notebook or a blogging platform. Whatever works for you. If you can write a small 300 word text every week that’s already amazing. I would just start with the first thought that comes into your mind. And not worry about the coherence between the different texts. After a year you’ll have 50 short texts and a better intuition on how to make writing work for you. If you’re interested in writing longer pieces then, you’ll also have a better feel for which subjects lend themselves to it.

That’s how it works for me at least. Before I wrote my first book, I spent a long time blogging. It helped me to stop trying to connect all my thoughts together in a big scheme. I loved the freedom of writing small self-contained texts that didn’t need to relate exactly to the previous ones. It also helped me explore a variety of themes. I’m looking forward to take up blogging again, as I know I have a lot of topics I’m interested in and it’s only through writing with that variety that I can get a clearer focus for my next project.

> I believe we all have a treasure to share, maybe not to the world, but to a few people to who we matter.

So true. Although we might end up sharing it in other ways than written words. But I feel learning to write also helps you think and express yourself at other moments in your live.

Re: My dead dad’s journal

#92

Post by obynio »

That was a beautiful story that hit me harder than expected. I wished my dad had left behind a journal. He died as well when I was in my early twenties, but I still feel like I didn't knew him as I should have.

I knew my dad had cancer but he was trying hard not to show it. Maybe he wanted to keep face in front of my brothers and I, to preserve the best image we had from him, a strong and strict paternal figure from outside but a loving father from inside. And still, I kept denying it, refusing to accept the evil that was eating away at him. I was that dumb introverted kid that had nothing but work to escape the reality.

I still remember his last look at me while I was heading back to college after visiting him. A look of pride and sorrow, as he knew what would happen in the next days. And for the first time in my life, I saw my dad shedding a tear as he was asking me to take care of my brother's future. It was discrete, but I noticed it, and I still wish I could slap the past me and stay with him in his final moments. This will be forever among the biggest regrets I have.

Spend time with your loved ones and make sure that time is well spent. Sometime you never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory.

Re: My dead dad’s journal

#94

Post by noduerme »

jacquesm wrote: post #71
noduerme wrote: post #47

This really moved me. My dad went through brain surgery last year and his four sons converged from around the country. We all barely speak to each other. A holographic will was produced, ten loose leaf pages in impossible handwriting, the last few pages written by him right before he went into surgery while his fourth wife held the pad and guided his hand with a pen. I wish we had conducted ourselves with grace, but…

What a sad story. You could take it as a shadow of what's to come if this isn't dealt with now though, so in a way something good may come of it.

It was a blessing and a miracle that he lived through the surgery. Not least because it gave us a frightening look at what kind of war we were about to have, and a chance to open some lines of communication. And the one thing we agreed on was that if he recovered he'd need to clarify his wishes. Which he has. None of us were prepared to have to deal with this so, yes, thankfully we won't have to go through what the author went through, not knowing or finding this journal. The hard part wasn't really about the house, or the codicils dictated by his wife (which he retracted when he regained his senses) it was that none of us could make heads or tails of his intentions, all of us were extremely distraught and coming at it from our own ideas of who our father is and what he believes, mixed with their individual motivations; and with no clarification. So yeah, by being put to the test I hope you're right that we're more prepared to deal with the future.

Re: My dead dad’s journal

#95

Post by tbronchain »

schrijver wrote: post #91
tbronchain wrote: post #62

I felt very strongly with this story - and thank you for sharing. My mother passed away at 59. She was healthy, and thought she had decades to live. Then she got sick, and thought she had years. Few months later, we had a call on our way to the hospital, she was dead. I didn't have the greatest relationship with my mother and the disease didn't allow us to do more than scratch the surface. She wasn't an open person b…

Sorry to hear of your loss. > I, for some strange/personal reasons struggle to write what's in my head. I don’t think that’s strange at all. Most of us can use language to get by through daily live, but to put to words our own thoughts in a way that other’s can read them later is really difficult. > If you have felt in a similar way, I am very interested in hearing stories on how you overcame this. I recognise this.…

Thank you so much, these are great advices!

Re: My dead dad’s journal

#96

Post by varnaud »

jl6 wrote: post #61

To all those who keep a long-term journal: what’s your end-game? Trash it? Publish it? Actively gift it to your family? Passively let the family read it if they find it? If it’s an electronic journal, what steps are you taking to ensure or prevent access after you’re gone?

I keep my journal in a private git repository. I hope one day someone from my family will read it if I'm gone. Maybe I'll share it with someone I love if they ask. I had the fear that it could be leaked, but honestly I realized I didn't care that much if it gets public as no one will care except maybe the ones mentioned in it.

I find it therapeutic to write things down.

The access information is printed on a sheet of paper somewhere and I will probably just print the whole thing one day.

Re: My dead dad’s journal

#97

Post by LocalH »

steve_adams_86 wrote: post #38
LocalH wrote: post #18

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Such compassion isn't compatible with the capitalist ways that most of the Western world has adopted.

Opinion: It absolutely is. Compassion uplifts many of us who could otherwise be a burden on those around us. It helps the most productive avoid burn out. It spreads responsibility by enabling more people, and not relying solely on those who thrive with less support. Compassion is the long view as far as I can tell. We may come to believe there’s an incompatibility, but I don’t believe it’s innate within capitalism it…

Caveat: I'm speaking from a US perspective.

In today's hypercompetitive, multinational world, capitalism is indeed the sole goal of society, to enable those who work to make massive amounts of money, to do more and more. Even China, a quite communistic country, has fully embraced capitalism in terms of it's international dealings.

The culture issues we have in the US are largely a result of the hyper-rich influencing things in such a way that work itself becomes such a pride point, that those who are unable to work in the framework that society provides are called lazy and worthless, even when those people may flourish under a system with different constraints. Forcing some people to work jobs they have zero passion for, instead of allowing them to have a basic security net such that they can seek their own path in this life, is cruel. I have ADHD and it has so far been physically impossible to focus on something that doesn't somehow "grip" my focus, and I don't really control what things do so. So the vast majority of work out there is not something I can do and be successful, as the additional mental effort to even come close to focusing drains every bit of my being and makes me absolutely dreadfully miserable. If this is the path of capitalism for myself and countless others, then it needs serious reform.

Re: My dead dad’s journal

#98

Post by LocalH »

I believe our minds secrete N,N-DMT when we are dying, to help take us through the transition into death itself, the separation of our consciousness from our physical body, and "our" return to the collection consciousness of the universe. I believe that sometimes can explain why certain end-of-life mental scenarios are difficult - for some people, I think that secretion starts happening early.

Before my mother passed away, I was struggling with caring for her quite fiercely. She would talk about how she just got done writing a movie, or that she would see various "demons" in the corners of the room, etc. At first I didn't know any better other than to say "you've been here the whole time". I was trying to do my best but it was difficult. I'd walk outside on the porch to smoke a cigarette and before I could finish I'd hear her yelling like I'd been gone for hours.

Then, about a month before she passed, I was fortunate enough to have a few experiences with DMT. The first four or five were smaller trips, pleasurable and short, and the biggest one gave me exactly what I needed. The first two or three objective minutes of the experience felt more like 20-30 minutes internally. I had the most beautiful visual color overlays, and I felt like at that moment I understood everything about everything. Almost like the universe was just dumping information and knowledge into me, on a more subconscious level. I then had a really intense, pleasurable, almost orgasmic yet completely non-sexual vibration sensation. After this, my egotistical ass decided to try to play Guitar Hero of all things. Immediately the experience went into what I would call a "hyperslap". My time perception was suddenly yanked backwards and I felt forced through the exact path my eyes had taken while looking around the room during the initial part of the trip. It didn't seem to go back any further than the moment I ingested the DMT. But then I was pulled forwards to "now". This happened back and forth I have no idea how many times. My friend and tripsitter was preparing a bowl of cannabis for after I came down. I perceived hearing the weed breaking up several times, no idea how many. At one point I remember the loops slowed down to the point where I tried to stand up, and I knocked over a soda bottle sitting on the floor. I also perceived that bottle fall over multiple times throughout the experience. At one point the experience pulled me back to now and then things got really slow. I suddenly had a random thought about "hey, I've seen movies about dying and getting stuck in a loop, is it actually possible that happens?". So I asked out loud "am I dead?" My friend told me "you're more alive than you've ever been". This proceeded to kick off further time looping, and it kept speeding up. Eventually it turned into the inverse vibration from the early part of the trip, instead of being pleasurable it was absolutely dreadful and caused me to exclaim "I'm never doing this again" (spoiler: I've since had a few smaller DMT experiences but not another one quite as big).

The entire trip took about 45 minutes or so, when most DMT trips take 15-20 minutes. I did smoke a cigarette directly before consuming the DMT, so it's possible that had an MAOI-type effect, which will greatly prolong a DMT experience (and why ayahuasca is usually a 4-6 hour thing).

After my normal reality returned to me, I felt like I'd been completely mentally reborn. My ADHD seemed cured for the moment. I could direct my focus wherever I wanted, and didn't nearly have the problem I did before with any random thing involuntarily grabbing my focus. I also then perceived my mother's situation completely differently, and I truly believe she was experiencing a natural DMT experience of sorts.

One time she was telling me she was seeing demons in the corner of the room, and I told her to close her eyes and think about Jesus (she was quite religious, although I'm more naturalistic and spiritual especially since the above experience). I gave her a few seconds and I asked her what she saw. She told me beautiful colors and flowers. To me that is textbook DMT, thoughts directly influencing vision.

I was able to process her death without grief after my DMT experience. I was able to understand that it was ok that my mother's identity would cease to exist, because her consciousness was returning home to the universe.

Some people may say "oh, we have no proof that any of this is true, so therefore it's not". I agree with the first part of that statement but not the second. To me, the difference between classical organized religion and the beliefs I have adopted, is that the former tend to make people authoritative, while the latter only cause me to strongly desire to treat others with true kindness and understanding, to help ease their experience through this world and and make it more positive. I'm not necessarily saying everyone should try DMT, but I am saying that it needs to be heavily researched and studied. I feel like understanding more about all psychedelics will help us greatly in understanding things related to consciousness and death.

Re: My dead dad’s journal

#99

Post by loquor »

tbronchain wrote: post #62

I felt very strongly with this story - and thank you for sharing. My mother passed away at 59. She was healthy, and thought she had decades to live. Then she got sick, and thought she had years. Few months later, we had a call on our way to the hospital, she was dead. I didn't have the greatest relationship with my mother and the disease didn't allow us to do more than scratch the surface. She wasn't an open person b…

> I, for some strange/personal reasons struggle to write what's in my head. My thoughts are very disorganized and always feel what's on the paper doesn't reflect the original idea. If you have felt in a similar way, I am very interested in hearing stories on how you overcame this.

I logged into HN after a year to respond to this prompt. I've dealt with this too, and some things did help quite a lot.

1. Orwell wrote this about choosing words, which I found in a similarly excellent LessWrong article[1]: "What is above all needed is to let the meaning choose the word, and not the other way around. In prose, the worst thing one can do with words is surrender to them. When you think of a concrete object, you think wordlessly, and then, if you want to describe the thing you have been visualising you probably hunt about until you find the exact words that seem to fit it. When you think of something abstract you are more inclined to use words from the start, and unless you make a conscious effort to prevent it, the existing dialect will come rushing in and do the job for you, at the expense of blurring or even changing your meaning. Probably it is better to put off using words as long as possible and get one’s meaning as clear as one can through pictures and sensations."

2. It also gave me great relief to find that Edsger Dijkstra, one of the greats of Computer Science, wrote slowly in order to write elegantly and correctly: Whether written using a fountain pen or typewriter, Dijkstra’s technical reports were composed at a speed of around three words per minute(!!). “The rest of the time,” he remarked, “is taken up by thinking.”

3. Try ditching full sentences. Write phrases. Make some words in the sentences BIG FOR EMPHASIS. Do whatever styling or structuring that corresponds to the feeling in your mind. Your notes are for you, they only need to make sense for you.

4. Even if what's on the paper doesn't reflect the original idea, write it down regardless. Even if it doesn't do your original thought justice, the written version will persist into the future while the thought in your head will fade, losing much or all of its clarity. That written version will continue to be useful. The more you practice this habit of writing, the better you will get at representing your own thoughts. In time, you will be able to consistently write notes that are passably good. Keep at it. This is the most important thing.

5. The last and yes the least, I'd suggest experimenting with tools. Google Keep is garbage as a platform for creating and organizing your notes. I switched to Notion earlier this year, and it was a paradigm shift. Through Notion, I found this nice site called Excalidraw where you can draw things online. When it comes to writing on phone, I found that I only like to see my current sentence when I'm writing. So I made a solo group on Whatsapp, and write my notes there. It really makes a difference.

[1] https://www.readthesequences.com/Rationality-And-The-English...

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