Ask HN: I feel trapped in my job and city

I’ll note that it doesn’t seem that you’ve tried anything. You haven’t changed your circumstances at all.. different job at a similar company, different part of town, save any money at all to open something of your own in your hometown, etc.

Also, maybe get really engaged in something unrelated. Maybe having a thing to look forward to will re-balance things.

Yeah, I hear ya. But maybe having made a decision and some concrete plans will make you feel a bit better?

Also, maybe doing more things outside of work will help? Try to talk with family more often or spend more time on hobbies you enjoy?

The key is not to let the job define your life. When all is said and done, work is only one (small) part of your life. Give yourself something to look forward to at the end of the day.

Whatever you do, I hope it brings you joy :-D Good Luck!

Hi, I totally understand what you are going through. It is tough and not easy. 34 is not old, you have whole life ahead, at least 10 years more to really redo everything you want to change. You have great background and years of grilling work schedule (I worked in finance and banking) and stress. I feel you need 2 more week of break (first) if you can afford. Have you thought of Product Management? It is something different, you are still closer to tech. With your skills, crypto, fintech and other payment startups will benefit a lot. Forget about pay, dont compare one thing with other, its OK to take a paycut if its short-term. Product Management has no limits, there are lot of roles that are remote. Good luck and stay safe. life is beautiful, do not hate anything. Accept whatever it is as is, as there is saying nothing last forever (even pain.).

> The advice you sometimes hear to go traveling and backpacking in your early 20s to self-discover is total financial lunacy.

And life isn't only about min-maxing your financial situation at all times. Playing this game leads to a pretty bitter life, some are fit for it and thrive by squandering every cent they can during their younger years, others will simply be miserable.

Financial lunacy or not I don't believe that your life should be completely dictated by maximising your financial prospects when you are 40 or 50, each decade is a completely different life you live and missing out on your 20s while you are at your healthiest and less tired self is a personal development lunacy.

When you retire you aren't young and dumb anymore, you won't have the same experiences, you won't meet the same people, you will just coast into your later years. Might be successful by the metrics of the rat race but are you, as a person, really much better if you didn't experience much just to save money for later?

Everything is a trade-off, min-maxing your retirement funds on expense of your life experiences is just another option, financial lunacy or not, I'd love for more humans to not have to be trapped into lives based on what's financially sound or not.

Just a side-comment:

There's a large misconception or myth in the both the OP and in a number of comments: "figure out what you/I want to do."

A quick thought experiment to prove my point: If you have never tasted or experienced pizza, can you know that you "want" pizza?

I think a lot of people grow up with the myth that if you think enough about yourself, you can figure out what you really want.

Personally, I think that it's the opposite: you can only make a guess at what you want and figure out if you want it by doing it. This of course can be very risky but I don't think there's a way around that. This is also why a lot of people stay in jobs (and relationships) that they do not like.

However, there are a lot of cases where you can learn to enjoy an activity that you have never done before. (See below).

Another thought experiment: many children refuse to eat certain foods because they have an initial "weird" experience with them: tomatoes, sour cream, celery, bread crusts, fish, shrimp, etc. However, many of these kids also end up if not regularly eating but sometimes even very much enjoying these foods as they grow older.

The only difference between children and adults is that adults are older. And, my theory is also that dunning-kruger is WAY more pervasive than anyone thinks: how much do you know about yourself? About life? What are the chances that dunning-kruger applies to you on these subjects?

I also agree with a number of other comments about how your environment has a far larger impact on your enjoyment than you think. Most people think that the content of a job is the largest deciding factor in whether or not you enjoy it -- but it may be your colleagues, your commute or simply even your health. How sure are you that it's the content of your work and not the team around you?

One last comment: psychology in the 21st century is comparable to medicine in the 15th: mental diseases are categorised by symptom (not cause) and there's a reproducability crisis, to start with.

Tip for the OP: at the very least, do this: write down 5 possible jobs, find people who do them and go talk to them about them for an hour: buy them lunch or dinner. Everyone likes talking about themselves. Ask them about what they enjoy _and_ what they hate.

Also, it sounds like the OP is slightly perfectionist: you don't have to be young or excited about stuff, you just have to be interested in it. Stop being a perfectionist with yourself.