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Ask HN: Do you regret having children?

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Re: Ask HN: Do you regret having children?

#21

Post by mikewarot »

Answering this question honestly in public is a foolish thing to do, they might read your answer some day, and fail to take care of you in your old age as revenge, set you adrift on an ice flow, instead of caring for you. (Note, they have zero obligation to care for you... that's not a reason to have kids)

I've traded a lot of time and anxiety to enter a parallel universe. In between the stores and shops you visit are things you skipped over without notice, like clothing shops for kids, toy stores, etc.

There are a lot of skills you learn, and kids in general get far less annoying, because you've now got empathy for their parents, and just smile instead, to give support.

Parenting is a big choice, there are no official manuals, but there is an enormous support group all around you.

No, I don't regret it.

Advice: I feel the strong need to point out that miscarriages happen, 80% of them in the first trimester. You might want to wait until the 2nd trimester before telling anyone outside your very immediate family.

Advice: Your primary responsibility is to parent, you can be friendly right up until that line.

Re: Ask HN: Do you regret having children?

#22

Post by neverminder »

I decided to not have children. Thing is, if nowadays people actually weighed all the cons and pros of having kids they would never go through with it. So all the people I know just go "all in" without thinking much, that's the only way it works, kinda. These are my reasons of not having children:

* The so-called "nuclear family" is destroyed. Divorce rates are through the roof, families torn apart and children end up as collateral damage and bargaining chips. The grand irony of liberalism is that it's designed to eventually self destruct.

* Chances that your kid will have issues like genetic, allergies, autism, etc are pretty high nowadays.

* Even if you sacrifice your life for the child and do everything right, there's a chance he will end up being an ungrateful bastard anyway.

Re: Ask HN: Do you regret having children?

#23

Post by LVB »

No. But I do somewhat regret waiting fairly long to have them. It was certainly a trade off, and being kid-free for our earlier years certainly gave my wife and I the freedom to do as we pleased and establish solid careers without having to factor kids in all the time. The flip side is that I wish I had my younger body and energy now that we do have kids. They are very taxing, and I would sometimes like to be more all in with them, but it is certainly tougher at 47 than it probably would have been at 37.

I really don’t know if I’d change the timing if I could do it all again. Probably not, but it has been something I’ve thought about. OTOH I’ve never had such a thought about having kids at all. They’re wonderful.

Re: Ask HN: Do you regret having children?

#24

Post by markx2 »

No.

I remember looking at my first daughter as she was laid on the hospital bed just as I was about to pick her up to leave the hospital with my wife.

At that moment I realised that I was not immortal, that one day I would die, that I had to do my very very best for this tiny human because it was down to me to protect her, to help shape her life, to help her become whatever she could be.

I took a photo of her on that bed, still have it in an album and it will always be one of the most powerful moments of my life.

She helped me define who I am, who I wanted to be.

She's 31 this year, her sister a few years younger and there is literally nothing I would change.

If I regret anything, it is leaving the planet in the state it is in.

Re: Ask HN: Do you regret having children?

#25

Post by rantwasp »

markx2 wrote: post #24

No. I remember looking at my first daughter as she was laid on the hospital bed just as I was about to pick her up to leave the hospital with my wife. At that moment I realised that I was not immortal, that one day I would die, that I had to do my very very best for this tiny human because it was down to me to protect her, to help shape her life, to help her become whatever she could be. I took a photo of her on that…

beautiful but it’s the other way around. when you look at your kid(s) you realize that you are in fact immortal (your genes not you per se but it’s pretty close).

Re: Ask HN: Do you regret having children?

#26

Post by blacktriangle »

neverminder wrote: post #22

I decided to not have children. Thing is, if nowadays people actually weighed all the cons and pros of having kids they would never go through with it. So all the people I know just go "all in" without thinking much, that's the only way it works, kinda. These are my reasons of not having children: * The so-called "nuclear family" is destroyed. Divorce rates are through the roof, families torn apart and children end u…

Easy to drop those allergy and autism rates to 0 if you don't vaccinate. And before you reflexively hit the downvote button, go look up autism and allergy rates in countries that don't vaccinate. Meanwhile general nutrition and sanitation has done more to eliminate disease than vaccination ever did.

Re: Ask HN: Do you regret having children?

#27

Post by closeparen »

AnimalMuppet wrote: post #18
closeparen wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Interesting. I think my dad having his own interests and hobbies (cars, woodworking, etc) that he was conspicuously excited about, could teach and share with me in limited ways, etc. was a big part of the person I became and of my relationship with him. If he had given up those passions to just interact with me 24x7 I think I would have felt a little suffocated.

Sure. But you can do your interests with your kids, or you can do your interests to escape from your kids. The former worked for you (and me, with my father). The latter I did too often with my kids.

Most of the time it was an escape. That's why it felt genuine, and not like a pretext for cheesy father-son bonding time, on the occasions when he would invite me to participate. Part of it was riding along to go pick up a tool from Craigslist, but another part of it was him being in the shop for much longer than my attention span, being a craftsman, getting things done, while I understood that this is the kind of person he is, and I aspired to be the same kind of person in my own way on the computer upstairs.

Re: Ask HN: Do you regret having children?

#28

Post by blacktriangle »

vagrantJin wrote: post #3

I'm curious as to what the context here is.

I'd guess somebody childless but considering.

It's really not a great question, since if a person was unhappy about having kids, I don't suspect they'd chime in on a forum like this. I think a better question for the childless but considering to ask is for people who never had children, do you regret it?

Re: Ask HN: Do you regret having children?

#30

Post by h0p3 »

Yes, I should not have a produced them (or, at the very least, it was not wise enough to do so when I did). Looking back, I am not convinced it was moral for me to produce more persons. I [[love]] [[1uxb0x|https://philosopher.life/#1uxb0x]] and [[j3d1h|https://philosopher.life/#j3d1h]] more than I know how to put into words. I do not regret being a [[father|https://philosopher.life/#Be%20A%20Good%20Dad]]. If I could do it all over again, I would have waited to be older by 6 years, and I would have adopted or fostered, like my esteemed brother, [[JRE]].

Edit: Feel free to voice a justification with your downvote. I have answered the question in good faith and with my skin in the game. Are you looking for honesty or not?

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