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* You're only 23. You're just starting a career path and life path now really.
* I know single women who refuse to use Tinder. These women are educated and have good jobs. I'm not saying there is a trend there but you need to realize that there is life outside of dating apps.
* Take life as it comes. You will have lots of challenges but you will get through them all.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
Hi & congrats! What you say is very true, but I would like to point out that you were following my advice. Bars are a classic social gathering and definitely work too. Bar activities include casual conversations, billiards, dart games, magic tricks (there are scads of tricks with cups and drinks) dancing, etc Personally I avoid bars, but it is indeed fine when approached with appropriate caution (as would be rock cli…
Sorry you misunderstand. This is much closer to hooking up with someone from Tinder which is why I drew the comparison. We left together about fifteen minutes after meeting one another. It’s also ironic that I’ve climbed a lot and never found anyone to date let alone that I get on with as well.
In bar scenarios, you are both moving around and maybe a bit uninbibited, exhibiting relaxed body language, talking and engaging in some courtship behaviors. You can see how people interact in the real world.
Swiping left or right as you contemlate the causes of hemorrhoids is so far divorced from this normal behavior, and there is no bar algorithm beseeching you to "super like" a curated, mostly fake dating profile chosen not for your future engagement ring, but as a sales tactic to drive "engagement". Buying someone a drink is only superficially similar to internet (paid) likes.
It isn't impossible for it to work fine, but Tinder sucks for society.
If you're good at specialized work then you're probably set long term, which far outweighs short-term confirmation. Maybe nobody will ever value you as you do yourself, but if you keep focusing on improving your skills, you can rely on your own valuations to an extent, enough not to get shaken easily anyway.
It's literally a therapist's job to help you figure this out, I don't want to undermine this. Please speak to a professional, you are not alone. In the meantime, here are some of my own "no bullshit mantras" I found comforting in similar times, mostly from Zen Bhuddism : * You are not supposed to be anywhere. Your only real obligation is to be you, now. * There is no "better" version of you now. There is no other way…
This is such a horrible and dangerous ideology. To tell someone stuck in a rut that the rut is perfect and just where they need to be? I couldn't think of a more harmful message. OP has turned himself into a person he doesn't want to be. The solution is to change himself, not to accept that being alone and empty and unattractive is actually normal and beautiful. That's the kind of thing you say to people with no hope…
You, like most people, are talking about the future. I'm sure you're about the 1000th person telling this person to turn their life around. But this future is a projection, it's imaginary, whereas the pain is very real in the present moment. So start with the present.
It's literally a therapist's job to help you figure this out, I don't want to undermine this. Please speak to a professional, you are not alone. In the meantime, here are some of my own "no bullshit mantras" I found comforting in similar times, mostly from Zen Bhuddism : * You are not supposed to be anywhere. Your only real obligation is to be you, now. * There is no "better" version of you now. There is no other way…
This is such a horrible and dangerous ideology. To tell someone stuck in a rut that the rut is perfect and just where they need to be? I couldn't think of a more harmful message. OP has turned himself into a person he doesn't want to be. The solution is to change himself, not to accept that being alone and empty and unattractive is actually normal and beautiful. That's the kind of thing you say to people with no hope…
Some parts of what make up the rut are seemingly necessary parts of life. You can at least accept and build from them.
The conversion rate on tinder is very very low, it's nothing personal just female privilege (some are just looking for validation "im pretty", not dates). The solution is to save lots of time by automating it. You can do about 1000-4000 swipes a day using a bash script. On Linux bash+xdotool or bash+adb. Don't take it to seriously, you will get matches. To find potential girlfriends this way takes about a month. Some will ghost or be mean, that's just the shitty tinder experience for men. But this method always worked for me. You can try different states / countries, your popularity my vary depending on location.
Alternatively just pay a match maker and relax.
You are a decade younger than me, don't worry, you can try out lots of woman and have by no means "failed".
Find a psychologist to talk to, modern life is extremely stressful with career, education, dating etc. You need someone to vent.
So young. Your frontal lobes aren't even done cooking yet. That happens around 25.
Go here:
https://www.selfauthoring.com/
Totally worth it. At the very least do the "Future Authoring" part.
And get the heck off dating sites.
I'm in your age range and sadly I'm hearing from A LOT of young men that Tinder is really damaging their self esteem (specifically the lack of matches most men get which can feel as bad as getting rejected face to face a thousand times to some men). It's also disgusting that these apps take advantage of vulnerable young men desperate for connection by up-selling them on an endlessly growing list of paid add-ons that…
^And 1 hour after I write this comment, a woman from online dating who I arranged to meet just stood me up, no response well past our agreed meeting time :) We're not alone buddy, many men are experiencing the same frustrations with the humiliating/degrading jester routine of online dating, it's just that men suffer in silence in this society so it doesn't get talked about a lot. Online dating is filled with a lot of…
TLDR: check out Dr. Aziz on YouTube.
I am 40+ and happily married. But it was a long road to happiness. It is easy to suggest things but almost impossible for people to understand where you are coming from.
I was shy in college but then I discovered alcohol, this allowed me to have fake success with opposite sex. When semi drunk I was confident and would start dancing with anyone. That led to a few wonderful nights and friendships. But when not drinking I was nervous wreck around beautiful girls.
And I was hooking up with girls that had nothing in common. There was no way to maintain relationship in long term. And I would have crush on one girl but would be able to talk to her, sober or drunk. I would see her hookup with asshole friends of me. They would describe women they hookup with in such degrading terms that it would literally make me cry.
This is when pick up artist book came out, and I learned about “oneietis”. Basically, I realized I was getting obsessed and it was not healthy. I am not endorsing pick up artist culture, It is ugly. But it helped me get better at being more confident. I joined some shady group of losers like me. But we would push each other to go talk to women, in all kind of places, bars, malls, etc. some of us got really good. Most of us were just simple nerds and they found love of their lives. Some of us were assholes who used these techniques to hookup. It was very sad but I built confidence.
Eventually, I realized they key to be interesting. And to be interesting you need to be interested. I was no longer feeling alone. So I was actually pursuing my interests. I learned Rick climbing, scuba diving, started other hobbies. And I was confident to talk about them. That’s how I met a girl who end up my life partner.
Now I am older but I am still shy. It hinders my work. This is how I discovered Dr. Aziz. His videos help me overcome issues at work. I think he will help overcome social anxiety, so you don’t have to join shady world of the pick up artists.
All real best wishes.
ps: your worth definitely does not depend on comparisons with what seems popular. There are permanent truths one can grasp and keep, for peace & stability amid the hard times that we all can have; even joy.
pps: I thought a great deal about how to do dating better, before my 2nd marriage. Some people here have good comments (avoid tinder, meet people volunteering and in real life, etc). I wrote more things I learned on my web site (in profile). eHarmony was better than most AFAIK, but still has pros/cons.