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Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

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Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#171

Post by anotherthrow048 »

Hi,

I've never created an account on HN before, despite many years of lurking. But I felt compelled to comment here because I want to offer what encouragement I can.

Personally, I made it through tough times in my life by opening up to the people who I knew cared about me. Good friends and family.

I don't know what your personal situation is like, but if there is anyone that comes to your mind who you can rely on to be there for you, reach out to them. Spend time with them. Sometimes you don't even have to talk about anything; merely being with others who treasure you as a human being can help you weather the worst emotions.

If you don't feel there is anyone like this in your life, then I personally extend my friendship to you. I'm posting on a throwaway because I don't like having a public identity, but I've added an email address in my profile that you can contact. If you're open to the idea, write me whenever you'd like.

Good luck and take care of yourself. I'm not much older than you are, but I learned some time ago that life is long and far more surprising than you think. You might not be able to imagine a better future, but it both exists and becomes increasingly likely as things get worse. All it takes is a bit of faith and time.

Hope this helps!

Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#172

Post by dontbuythebs »

copperx wrote: post #133
a3n wrote: post #102

23 is much too early to declare yourself a failure in life. That's the depression talking. "That shit ain't the truth." Just because you're not having the outcomes that you want does not mean you're a failure. Depression and feelings of inadequacy and failure are a vicious circle, because ... depression makes it hard to succeed. Depression also makes it hard to connect with people, and hard to stay connected. Depress…

> 23 is much too early to declare yourself a failure in life. How about 39? Asking for a friend.

That's not even half of a life yet. And considering the first 18-25 years were basically groping in the dark, 39 is nearer the end of the beginning than the beginning of the end.

Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#173

Post by shreyshnaccount »

Online dating is broken, by design. If it wasn't, and everyone found "soulmates", the business model would make a lot less money than it possibly could. Focusing on tech for a decade would've given you so much experience and expertise that others of your age couldn't ever compete with.. that's something to ben proud of imo. I wish you all the best friend, take care

Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#174

Post by [deleted] »

norvvryo wrote: post #163

I'm 25 and struggling with a lot of the same feelings. These are some things that I've done that have helped to keep me away from the edge of the cliff. Drop mainstream social media and online dating completely. If you haven't been socially focused for a decade, comparing yourself to people who have is going to destroy you inside. The same goes for porn. Stick to drawings, and avoid anything that has a romantic plot.…

[deleted]

Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#175

Post by otalp »

pcbro141 wrote: post #14

I'm in your age range and sadly I'm hearing from A LOT of young men that Tinder is really damaging their self esteem (specifically the lack of matches most men get which can feel as bad as getting rejected face to face a thousand times to some men). It's also disgusting that these apps take advantage of vulnerable young men desperate for connection by up-selling them on an endlessly growing list of paid add-ons that…

I’ll provide a perspective not usually found on programming forums - over 6 months of usage, I had ~250 matches on Tinder when I was 23. I’m not unusually attractive by any stretch, but before I started I treated getting matches as a technical problem and A/B tested pictures as well as seriously studied what types of pictures tend to do well, and deliberately shot each type.

Of those 250 matches, I didn’t message half. These were people with almost nothing in their profile who I also didn’t find particularly attractive. Half the people I did message didn’t respond back or ghosted after a few messages

So about 60 short to medium conversations. In the majority of those, it was clear that they weren’t particularly interested in dating or were on the app for an ego boost(or perhaps I wasn’t attractive enough for them)

I was able to get about a dozen numbers, out of which a third ghosted me and a third got ghosted by me. I dated 2 people casually and met 1 woman that caused me to delete the app, and I have been with her for 1.5 years.

If I had to start over again, I reckon the odds of me finding a relationship is very very low. The LTR started after the girl messaged me first( which happened like 1% of the time) but it was obvious she was attracted and interested in meeting. But I count myself very lucky that happened. I would likely be single if I didn’t match with her.

TL;DR: Tinder is a huge crapshoot even if you’re getting matches

Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#176

Post by tarsinge »

Lot of great response already but I’ll add my perspective from a mid 30’s: in my 20’s I had lot of friends, traveled, had some success on dating sites, and was fundamentally unhappy. I was chasing an overrated idea of a successful life. Nowadays I better know myself and I know I don’t need a typical social life to be happy (I had a great time during lockdown).

In short the only thing you have to solve is to not feel alone, other lifestyle elements are usually overrated.

Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#177

Post by f6v »

See, like many others, you wasted the time that is perfect for developing social skills on computers. You might have already realized the success doesn’t come from knowing mathematics or functional programming. Bill Gates wasn’t a social outcast, he’s a smooth talker.

You have to catch up and develop confidence. Pick up a hobby that doesn’t involve technology. Martial arts worked great for me, but you can try anything.

Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#178

Post by f6v »

drenvuk wrote: post #18

There's enough other advice here that I just want to focus on one area on the safe assumption you're a straight male: Tinder is pretty toxic for men. Now that things are opening up you should get out and meet people in person. For romance sure, but friends or even acquaintances as well. Tunnel vision caused by desperation doesn't help either. Relax and branch out. Fail with people and try again with others. And again…

I’m going to argue that Tinder just highlights your issues. If you don’t dress well, don’t work out and aren’t confident enough to approach any woman, you’ll probably suck at real-life dating too.

Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#179

Post by squabble »

You are definitely not a complete failure in life! That is an absolute lie. Don't say things like that to yourself.

Realize that you are actually not yet a fully grown adult. You are transitioning into adulthood, and that can be hard.

Society is a little messed up and is not supporting you as well as it should. But there is abundance and society will support you if you tap into it in the right way.

Just based off what you've written here, I can tell that you're smart and are a good communicator and writer.

Be brave. Don't be bitter. Don't burn bridges. Be kind. Realize that you are valuable. Be strong. We're rooting for you!

"The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are." -Jung

Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#180

Post by cblessed »

At your age I was likely in a worse space than you, but with many of the same attributes. I was very lonely, but also struggling with paranoid schizophrenia. Was convinced that I'd basically sentenced myself to be a 'forever alone' virgin for the rest of my miserable life. By my mid-twenties, I'd been committed to mental hospital twice. To say I felt like an outcast would be an understatement.

However, I was able to turn the ship around, and today (mid-thirties) I'm happily married with three beautiful kids. Have a job that I look forward to every day (lead dev for a software product in the banking sector). Just bought our first house last year.

All this is to say, don't lose hope just yet. You're still young and have plenty of opportunities to change the course of your life. Your knowledge of math and IT means you have ample opportunity for finding a lucrative and enjoyable career. If you want a girlfriend, that can also be accomplished, but she's not going to fall out of the sky and into your lap. You will likely need to make a real and persistent effort. And at the same time, as low as you feel now, there is always a deeper rock bottom that you can hit, if you simply let things progress in the wrong direction.

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