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Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

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Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#141
So...

I'm going to in the other direction here. Depression is reasonable. It's your brains way of telling you you are screwing up, becoming a liability, a drain on other people, a darwinian/genetic failure, or something like that. It's telling you you have a problem and you need to solve it. The beauty of this is that YOU CAN.

In this case, the fact that you went on Tinder to solve it is pretty telling. It means that you want to, frankly speaking, make sure you're not a genetic failure, or a failure on the status hierarchy, or both (probably both). The suicide impulse is, in my VERY UNSCIENTIFIC opinion, an evolved impulse to reduce your potential drain on the tribe. And some quirk of the male brain (not a scientist, just a man) says "not worthy to reproduce (in the eyes of women)"="not worthy to exist/drain on the tribe." The solution is to make yourself not a drain on the tribe, by making yourself useful in some capacity and/or progressing towards reproductive/social status success. The solution is not to die, it is to earn the right to live, by your own reckoning. Having faced the same sort of thing a few years back, here are my suggestions.

1) Go lift some weights, if you don't already. Stronglifts 5x5 to start, or some similar beginner linear-progression weight lifting program for 3-6 months (no more than that), followed by something like 5/3/1 will help you mentally, physically, and socially (yes, socially). The effects on your brain are important. Beyond just the hormonal effects of weightlifting, you also get the sense of progression from seeing the weights go up on the barbell every single workout. From the perspective of someone who feels they aren't really making progress in life, that can be a very enlivening feeling. Finally, even the beginnings of a real, male physique, which you'll see after 8-12 weeks of hard work on a beginner program will make people more inclined to talk to you, like you and respect you.

2) Take some Vitamin D. It's important for your hormones. Vitamin D deficiency might be an issue, might not. But take some and make sure that it isn't an issue.

3) Make small talk with every person you meet. Not every woman, every person. No expectations. Just have fun. In the starbucks line? Chat. At the grocery store? Chat. Water cooler? Chat. Library? Chat. You will suck at this at first, but you'll get good at this in time. This should fix the isolation/shunned by the tribe/status hierarchy failure problem, or at least ameliorate it.

4) Do you have an older male mentor? Not one for programming. You'd be better off hitting up a boxing gym or BJJ gym or something.

5) Eat some red meat, some eggs, some other stuff that's conducive to high testosterone levels. No crazy snake oil stuff, but just healthy, nutritious food that makes you feel good and does good things for your body.

6) Get a social activity of some sort. If you're still in school (grad school?) join a club of some sort. If you're out of school, maybe hit up some meet ups. The hobby kind, not the professional kind.

Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#142
post #6

I was quite literally obsessed with programming. I would wake up in the morning, program all day, go to sleep, and repeat it the next day. This earned me many accolades in college and a great job afterward. But, like you, if I paused for a moment to reflect, I felt so incredibly empty and alone. The programming increasingly became an escapist activity to avoid these feelings. Then one day my old high school friend, w…

There is a lot of toxicity here and I think this is a good example of part of the problem. We have been injecting pc tolerance everywhere with little to no focus on men. Why can't I wear feminine esk clothing like a thumb ring. Men are unable to express themselves with dress or emotionally without being considered unattractive..

Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#143
post #9

If you are goal-oriented and don't already work out regularly or go to the gym, I would highly recommend it. The physical challenge really requires focus and can clear your head and your body is hardwired to find exercising pleasurable. As a goal-oriented activity, it can be easy to quantitatively track your progress, and the physicality means you can't grind at it everyday - you need rest days. Plus, you'll hopefull…

Know any good apps to gamify weight training? Strava really worked for me for running, now I'd like to replicate the experience with strength training.

not really, but maybe have a have thonk about doing something for the hell of it, because it's fun or whatever. Just experiment and have a play and see if you can do something physical that's going to intrinsically motivate you (doesn't have to be weight training specifically, although you will most likely do it at some point or another to improve at whatever other physical activity will intrinsically motivate you).

Not everything in life needs to be gamified and you can make an "app" to track gym/life progress yourself with just excell/google sheets to track progressive overload/your measures and your phone to see visual changes in your body.

Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#144
I remember being like you describe at your age. Everyone in this is thread is saying great things and I don't need to repeat them, so I'll mention something different that helped me. That was literature. Books and plays like "Notes From The Underground" by Fyodor Dostoevsky, "You Can't Go Home Again" by Thomas Wolfe, "Long Day's Journey Into Night" by Eugene O'Neill and "Our Town" by Thornton Wilder. What you are feeling is not unique and it will pass, so don't think you will feel this way forever and consequently do yourself harm. Welcome to the human condition. That's what the books and plays said to me.

Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#145

If I can be perfectly honest, you seem to have no concept of what suffering actually is. It’s likely that near you there are people living in tents covered in their own filth suffering from physical and psychological torture because of how fundamentally incompetent we all are at resolving basic structural problems in our society. Things can always get worse, count your blessings.

> you seem to have no concept of what suffering actually is

The irony of this statement with regards to OP is astounding.

Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#146
Join a tennis/squash/raquetball/pickleball club.

You will

get active and fit

get outside and get some Vitamin D

have to concentrate and invest in something

dress decently

etc.

But more importantly:

your diary will fill up

you will have to hold a conversation

meet lots of other people.

Simple 1970s solutions.

Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#147
You are not alone in this. I think everyone, including the Beautiful People, have the same sort of feelings, but certain minds have more difficulties in not heeding them. I have found solace in accepting who I am and focusing on what gives my life meaning: don’t fuss about things you can’t change.

Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#148
I'm sorry that you're in pain. When I was your age I felt the same way a lot of the time.

Tinder is superficial bullshit. Your lack of matches there isn't significant, and what you see there are often false images. Those people aren't as accomplished or handsome/pretty as they appear there.

I don't have any magic words to tell you, but it does get better for almost everyone going through what you are going through.

I find that I feel much better if I get out and walk. Finding someone to talk to helps. You could try therapy; the first person you find might not be the right one.

Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#149
Step 1: Talk to a therapist!

Step 2: Take it from someone who was were you are at 23, but now 42: effects of early life disadvantages, disasters and even seemingly set personality traits (I'm an INTJ) disappear or smooth out over time. Also, you have oodles of time. At my age, I still have more productive adult years ahead of me than behind me.

Step 3: "Everything is a signal in the brain" is something I used to tell myself back then. Trying to change your brain state by changing the external world can be inefficient, especially if you have your basic needs met already. Work internally. Which is why speaking to a therapist matters.

Step 4: Get out of the house (provided you're not on lockdown). Force yourself to go to public gatherings or public places. It will feel unnatural at first, but remember that what feels natural is what you're used to. Get used to it. Staying at home is a recipe for sending your brain into unhealthy feedback loops.

Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#150
post #6

I was quite literally obsessed with programming. I would wake up in the morning, program all day, go to sleep, and repeat it the next day. This earned me many accolades in college and a great job afterward. But, like you, if I paused for a moment to reflect, I felt so incredibly empty and alone. The programming increasingly became an escapist activity to avoid these feelings. Then one day my old high school friend, w…

There is a lot of toxicity here and I think this is a good example of part of the problem. We have been injecting pc tolerance everywhere with little to no focus on men. Why can't I wear feminine esk clothing like a thumb ring. Men are unable to express themselves with dress or emotionally without being considered unattractive..

OP did not say anything negative about dressing femininely. OP said "sincerely evaluate your style of dress".
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