I was in a similar rut. Not just professionally but academically as well for most of my life. Motivation had to be forced to do more than just enough to blend into the crowd. It took me saying enough is enough in my 40's to go get tested. Turns out I have ADHD. Getting therapy to deal with anxiety and depression stuff as well as getting on Adderall has done wonders. I'm not suddenly working 40+ hours always in the zo…
It is so interesting to think of this dilemma in tech/computer oriented jobs vs something that requires one to be present(retail/customer service/etc...).
I work as a dev now, but worked as a gas station clerk for 6 years starting at the age of 16. If I came in for an 8 hour shift, I honestly think 7 of it was spent doing 'work'. I would have to pretend to go to the bathroom for a #2 just to get a 5 minute breather(and thats not to say the environment was oppressive, but the work standard was high and we felt valued at the company).
I used to always try to be productive during my workday, and would feel extremely guilty for getting distracted. Over time, however, I have drifted steadily towards the bare minimum because I feel like I was always doing the most by far. Now I consider it productive time spent if I learn something new or work on side projects. I still feel guilty, but not nearly as much as I used to.
If your employer is happy with you, there is no reason to 'feel guilty'. Being competent (top 20%) and working 3hrs / day is way more productive than a middle performer working 12 hrs / day. In my personal experience: I work with people that, in 5 minutes, I can accomplish more than they can in a day. And those people are not stupid / unmotivated. I also work with people that, in 5 minutes, can accomplish more than I…
> Being competent (top 20%) What sort of toxic exceptionalism led you to think that only 20% of workers are suitable for their jobs....
> What I concluded was that I was better as an L6 than an L7 This generalizes: often people want a promotion because it's the "next thing", but in many cases once you are mid career a promotion can make you pretty unhappy. Having a clear idea of how the work & responsibility will differ, and whether it is what you actually want.
My dad explained it to me like this when I was a kid. I ignored it for a long time, but it definitely stuck in the back of my head. I asked him if we wanted to get a promotion or be a manager but he said he thought his role as a documents library was fine. "Do you know the Peter Principle? It's the idea that you get promoted when you do good work, but at some point, you'll be promoted to a level you're not competent…
This is very similar to my path. I grew up poor and had a bad time in school, so I didn't make it in college as well. Once I started working in the industry though, I went all in all the time. Made myself the kind of engineer that people from startups around. Became a manager, a co-founder, a director, and was incredibly close to accepting a CIO/CTO role. With each goal I found I was less and less happy, eventually I took a boring job at a consulting firm that works with boring industries and Fortune 500 types. I'm a principal engineer and architect and it's boring as hell but it pays incredibly well, is super stable, and I get to go train bjj for 2.5 hours twice a week during the middle of the work day. I'm happier than I've been since I landed that first programming job.
If your employer is happy with you, there is no reason to 'feel guilty'. Being competent (top 20%) and working 3hrs / day is way more productive than a middle performer working 12 hrs / day. In my personal experience: I work with people that, in 5 minutes, I can accomplish more than they can in a day. And those people are not stupid / unmotivated. I also work with people that, in 5 minutes, can accomplish more than I…
> Being competent (top 20%) What sort of toxic exceptionalism led you to think that only 20% of workers are suitable for their jobs....
Experience with humanity? Dunning-Kruger, Peter Principle, hubris, and just plain laziness compound nicely to make 20% seem like the right ballpark. There are a lot of people out there who are not very well suited to what they do, often through no real fault of their own. I don't think it's toxic to recognize that.
That's great until the economy changes and you have to start competing again.
I had a slack job for my mid career when I should have been busting my ass and positioning myself for my later career. I wasted tons of time and regret it. You may have ADHD. You may just be lacking self discipline. I don't know. You should get your shit together now when you have the option and not wait for life circumstances to demand it.
It's not about what you owe the company. It's about what you owe yourself.