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Rejection Sensitivity

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Re: Rejection Sensitivity

#51

Post by lwhi »

The author is treating friendship as a transactional exchange.

You obtain friends.

If you're well connected, you obtain many ..

.. however, it's difficult to keep hold of them.

---

The issue is friendship and human relations—while transactional during an exchange—are not transactional in the way recent app based culture has lead us to believe.

We maintain relationships. We need to tend to them. They change as time moves forward. We can pause; and pick things up later.

The best friendships involve high degrees of honesty, and because of that we need to be vulnerable at times. I'm not sure writing a blog post or tweet is displaying the necessary levels of sensitivity (at least on an interpersonal level) to meet this criteria.

Re: Rejection Sensitivity

#52

Post by hackflip »

least wrote: post #33
hirundo wrote: post #26

How much violence in society is a reaction to cumulative rejection? I'd guess a good deal if not most of it. Our ancient lobster-shared neural mechanisms take it deadly seriously whether we do consciously or not. From the long perspective of our selfish genes, rejection is a mortal threat. I appreciate the sympathetic treatment of incels in this article, which seems like an exception to the norm. I think most of us c…

I think incels attract hate because many of them online become so twisted from their pain that they end up externalizing a lot of the factors that makes them involuntarily celibate, rather than accepting any personal responsibility. Discussions between incels in those communities amplify all the negative things they may be feeling and validates their opinions regardless of how absurd or offensive it may seem from an…

They aren't unlikeable because they can't get laid. They can't get laid because they are unlikeable.

Re: Rejection Sensitivity

#53

Post by xbar »

Ensorceled wrote: post #37

When I was in high school and university decades ago, before social media and even stable phone numbers, friends used to come and go all the time; co-workers at summer and co-op jobs, classmates, roommates, ... You'd have beers and a few good times and then the next term/year would happen and you might never see them again. It didn't feel like rejection because there really wasn't a practical way to stay in touch. Yo…

This is an essay that more closely reflects my experience.

Re: Rejection Sensitivity

#54

Post by scsilver »

dmichulke wrote: post #15

There is this other school of thought where you actively embrace rejection. Quotes like the following (paraphrased) show this: - If you have no enemies, you're not doing something important - If you don't fail 90% of the time, you're not pushing your boundaries hard enough The idea being that once you get rejected often enough, you lose your fear of it and you start becoming authentic and true to yourself.

Or you become an insane person who people cannot resonate with or identify themselves in. It kind of sounds like actively seeking trauma.

Re: Rejection Sensitivity

#55

Post by scsilver »

bitexploder wrote: post #38
yoz-y wrote: post #17

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The article didn’t resonate with me at all either, but I think it’s mainly because I don’t fit into the collective “we” the author talks about. > We apply to hundreds of jobs. We swipe on hundreds if not thousands of people on dating apps. Many of us are like me, and perpetually have an infinite loop of notifications on an infinite loop of communication apps. Naturally if you go head first into potentially thousands…

Have these people forgotten how to live in the world without these apps? I understand how some folks get there with technology, but put the apps and screens down and go live in the real world. This concept that people are somehow captive to these apps blows my mind a little. I am generation X though, I grew up being kicked out of the house during the day and was forced to run around and play outside when not in schoo…

You know everyone out in the real world is looking at their phones.

Re: Rejection Sensitivity

#56

Post by meesterdude »

lwhi wrote: post #51

The author is treating friendship as a transactional exchange. You obtain friends. If you're well connected, you obtain many .. .. however, it's difficult to keep hold of them. --- The issue is friendship and human relations—while transactional during an exchange—are not transactional in the way recent app based culture has lead us to believe. We maintain relationships. We need to tend to them. They change as time mo…

> I'm not sure writing a blog post or tweet is displaying the necessary levels of sensitivity (at least on an interpersonal level) to meet this criteria.

This is an unnecessary dig on the author, and is just a bit pompous. I would counter: writing a blog post on the loss of a close friend and exploring how and why for them and in society at large; displays a high level of introspection, self awareness, and a mature relationship with their emotions. When anger and blame are the typical reactions for such an outcome, it was a mature and reasoned exploration.

Re: Rejection Sensitivity

#57

Post by EFruit »

There is (yet another) aspect that the author didn't cover: internalized rejection.

Imagine you burn out during college, so you pivot and get a professional certification instead. You pass the exam and have the certificate in hand, and you start looking for jobs. You scroll and scroll through indeed, glassdoor, the job sites for the organizations that would hire someone with your certification and training, and... they all require that degree you don't have. They all require N years of experience that you haven't gotten.

How many visits like this does it take before you stop looking altogether?

Re: Rejection Sensitivity

#58

Post by mlang23 »

Torwald wrote: post #30
mlang23 wrote: post #2

I find it funny that english sometimes uses german words. But "exfreund" actually implies a sexual relationship, just saying.

Why is that funny? Our own (German) culture is full of usage of english words. Wouldn't it be natural to assume that other people would likewise adopt foreign words?

Yeah, apparently it is natural that languages do that. I think german does too much of that, we're basically too lazy to figure out how to phrase things properly in german, so we just stick in a few english words. That feels different then what english does with words like "Kindergarten" and "Zeitgeist". But I guess I am too much on one side of the fence to see the similarities.

Re: Rejection Sensitivity

#59

Post by jm__87 »

nradov wrote: post #49
hirundo wrote: post #26

How much violence in society is a reaction to cumulative rejection? I'd guess a good deal if not most of it. Our ancient lobster-shared neural mechanisms take it deadly seriously whether we do consciously or not. From the long perspective of our selfish genes, rejection is a mortal threat. I appreciate the sympathetic treatment of incels in this article, which seems like an exception to the norm. I think most of us c…

Most incel personal characteristics can be changed with a little effort. There's nothing wrong with changing to make yourself into someone else.

My assumption with anyone who wants to succeed at something but is repeatedly failing is that whatever changes they need to make to succeed are not easy or obvious for them - otherwise they would have made the changes already.

Re: Rejection Sensitivity

#60

Post by wholinator2 »

BeFlatXIII wrote: post #47
the_only_law wrote: post #28

Earlier quoted context omitted.

God I wish I could afford to fail 90% of the time.

Failing 90% of the time means you have an extremely generous buffer such that it’s no longer a requirement to have moderate success on the first try.

Well since the quote says 90%, it seems to be saying you don't need to succeed on the first _9_ tries (at most), which I think is where the sentiment that it's an unachievable clause comes from.
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