Ask HN: How to cope with the death of a dear person?

I lost my father 2 months before my son was born. Of course, the kid is named after him. Last time I saw him lucid we showed him a 3D echography. At least he could see his grandson. The next day he lost conscience and we started palliative care. I don't remember how many days later he passed away: it was both quick and too slow.

Since then, cancer is my no.1 enemy.

I you are researching about lung (small cell) cancer and need help, please count with me.

From my experience the first year is hard: you'll face a lot of situations where your loved one used to be. It hurts, and it is normal.

The second year is worse because there are some situations you haven't faced yet (for whatever reason) and you bump into that situations with your guard down.

After the third year it is less probable, and frequent and you might handle that situations differently.

But there are times you just miss the loved ones that passed away, no matter how much time has passed.

I guess that's the price we pay for being human.

I'm very sincerely sorry for your loss :(

The book Love and Death by Forest Church was VERY helpful to me and I recommend it highly. It's written by a pastor who was terminally ill, but it isn't focused on religion (although it's a factor).

I lost my mom as a teenager and I'm 43 now so have some perspective on death, but I don't know your pain as it's yours. Here are the things I'm telling myself in case any of it is useful?...

I am thankful for the time I did have. I know that I will lose everything I love in this world when either I die or they die (best case). This means my capacity for loss and love are perfectly symmetrical, so I face loss with gratitude. I do not throw a tantrum that I didn't get more, as I am grateful to have had that love at all.

I know humanity at its best functions like one organism, and that organism deploys love to fill voids of sadness (as is happening in this comment section). If I look I find that in other areas of life as well, my friends, family and community at their best react to loss by loving each other more. Along those lines I work hard to have no unfinished business with anyone. The people I love know it because I have those awkward talks with them where I make sure they know it. At any moment I am able to face my own death or the death of others with peace. I don't have to be perfect in this regard, just my best.

I do not honor those that are lost with sadness. I honor them with celebration as that's what they want and deserve. Their life and my love for them was vibrant and beautiful and I must remember it for all of that. When I think back on good times with those that are gone and smile or even laugh I know their energy wherever it is, is alive.

I wish you the best on your journey.

I'll note that you probably mean this in the original sense of Zeno's philosophy and not the modern use, which has more of a connotation of emotional repression. Somewhere along the way from ancient Greece "stoic" began to mistake the original's sense of not allowing yourself to be controlled by your emotions to something like not experiencing them to begin with. Though to be fair, even the original held that certain things like fear were not rational and fully developed stoics wouldn't experience it, and in general that emotional extremes were to be avoided.

In some ways it is very like Zen Buddhism in this sense of accepting things as they come without being rule by them. (The naming is only very coincidentally similar-- Zeno's stoicism and Zen)

I recently lost both my in-laws due to COVID-19.

Things I repeat myself:

1. It takes time and there's no way around that. 2. Accept you and your wife are both different people now. When loved ones die, you change. Part of the difficulty is to accept that you're a different person. 3. Live through your emotions, don't suppress them. It's ok to be affected by the most seemingly random things you see. 4. You don't have to talk about this all the time. It's ok to watch a movie to get a break. 5. Seek therapy - a professional can guide you through your feelings and help you making sense of them. 6. Routine helps - but don't lose yourself into what you do to hide from the pain.

I wish you both the best.