Sorry to hear of your loss. Sounds like an amazing man that I would have wanted to know. I have a thought that really works for me. It doesn't take the sting out, just makes the good parts good. Essentially the trick is to find a way to feel the love you have for this person in the present time. If the only way somebody lives on is in your memory, give the memories a happy home life. Treasure them and love them. In the long run you'll probably do that anyway.
Ask HN: How to cope with the death of a dear person?
31–40 of 98 posts
Re: Ask HN: How to cope with the death of a dear person?
#32My be it would seem somewhat irrational to you at first but I think the only chance to 'cope' with it yo get when you understand that there is absolutely no way to 'cope' with it and you should not even try to 'cope' with it.
Once you accept that .. only then after some time there is a slight chance to get to a place which would be called by other people around 'coping with it'.
Try to redirect your love for him to people he deeply cared about. Perhaps they miss him and his care too and you can partly fullfill this void and make it a bit easier for them. I think you were one of those he cared about so please do not forget about yourself too.
Re: Ask HN: How to cope with the death of a dear person?
#33do you mourn your own past self, your youth, or even yesterday ? Do you mourn the people who will live when you die, because you won’t get to know them, and they won’t get to know you ?
The past and the future are not so different. While some of the past is catalogued in your memories, most of it remains unknown and unexplored, partly predictable, just like the future. enjoy the present and enjoy predicting the future and the past !
Re: Ask HN: How to cope with the death of a dear person?
#34Sorry for your loss OP.
No solutions but more questions for the community :
What about professional help ?
Drugs / medications ?
Emotional transference : Pets, SO ?
Rationalization vs letting emotions flow ?
Radical changes / responses ? Ultra normal behavior ?
Job searching ?
Vacations ? Binge working ?
Going through the motions ?
Letting time work ?
Emotional art pieces consumption / creation ?
Fight vs freeze vs flight ?
Reflections on our own mortality ?
Acceptance ?
Having a protocol /support system in place in advance ?
Re: Ask HN: How to cope with the death of a dear person?
#35My father passed away in early 2020 from heart disease. He had a heart attack in the early 2000s and the assumption is that he had lingering complications that went unnoticed. If you're a heart patient, you're a heart patient for life. Even if you think you're in the clear, it can still come back.
Everyone deals with grief differently, and there is no right or wrong way grieve. Don't feel like you have to grieve in a certain way, no two people are the same and no two people have the exact same relationship with each other.
I'm generally the quiet type in this type of situation, I need time to myself, to process my grief and the endless stream of thoughts that pop up. Sometimes the grief just hits me again, out of nowhere. Others need to express their grief more openly and share it with others. Again, there is no right or wrong way, it depends on how you need to express your grief, to process your loss.
And don't feel guilty for starting to not feel grief all the time, that's perfectly normal and OK. It does fade over time, even if it never goes away completely.
In regards to my dad, I know he got an additional almost two decades worth of life. He started cooking more, started playing the drums again, had energy for hobbies and DIY/home improvement again, it was like a new lease on life. That keeps me thinking a bit more positively, for those times where I really miss him.
Take care, and remember your family, they're all dealing with this in different ways, some harder than others.
Re: Ask HN: How to cope with the death of a dear person?
#36My sister died of brain cancer a year ago. When she was on treatment at Mayo Clinic in Phoenix, I accompanied her to see a Chaplain that specializes on counseling. I am not religious but my sister was. The Chaplain said something that stayed with me and I feel has helped me. "Be grateful", and she explain the scientific evidence. I don't let negative feelings enter my head. Many things are beyond your control, so there is no use on ruminating about them. Just be grateful, of the big things or the little things. Find something. I have a photo on my fridge where my sister has big smile it is from the day she got her citizenship. That is what I choose to remember, the smile, the good things. Focus on the good things and be great-full for them.
Re: Ask HN: How to cope with the death of a dear person?
#37i coped by trying to do and be what they would have wanted me to be. it doesnt make anything easier, but it reminded me to keep looking forward
Re: Ask HN: How to cope with the death of a dear person?
#38Here you go:
Isolate yourself
Wallow in it
Pick up a few substances to abuse
Make other questionable decisions
Repeat above step in random order
Dust yourself off and continue with life and always hold onto your new found hollowness
Re: Ask HN: How to cope with the death of a dear person?
#39It's more of a prevention than a cure, but Stoicism (the philosophy, not the abstract concept) is a good philosophy of life that would help strengthen you for this kind of negatives. You wouldn't stop caring or feeling, but you'd be more in control over what the feelings do to you, and see these events in a more "positive" light.
Re: Ask HN: How to cope with the death of a dear person?
#40There is nothing you can do for yourself, except giving yourself the time and space. There is no magic potion for it, it just takes time. Just know there are always others who also have to cope with the same loss in their own complex ways. Some people cope by changing their memory and describe the characteristics of a person completely differently, alienating your experience. Nobody will correct them, because everybo…
Very much to what I came here to say.
1. Time.
2. Know (and accept) that different people grieve differently. Some are quiet, some histrionic. Some deal quickly, some slowly. Some talk, some don't. Some want company, some need solitude. Allow yourself (and/or others) to be themselves, and don't try to force yourself (or someone else) into a preconceived 'this is how you should behave/grieve/deal' mould.