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One bad advice I hear is "get over it" or "you will get over it". Why would anyone do that? You lost somebody you cared about, why would you get over them? Your loved one will always be with you, in your memories, in your life experiences. If you get a smile while thinking of the things you did together, then they are not really dead.
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“Zhuangzi's wife died. When Huizu went to convey his condolences, he found Zhuangzi sitting with his legs sprawled out, pounding on a tub and singing. "You lived with her, she brought up your children and grew old," said Huizu. "It should be enough simply not to weep at her death. But pounding on a tub and singing - this is going too far, isn't it?"
Zhuangzi said, "You're wrong. When she first died, do you think I didn't grieve like anyone else? But I looked back to her beginning and the time before she was born. Not only the time before she was born, but the time before she had a body. Not only the time before she had a body, but the time before she had a spirit. In the midst of the jumble of wonder and mystery a change took place and she had a spirit. Another change and she had a body. Another change and she was born. Now there's been another change and she's dead. It's just like the progression of the four seasons, spring, summer, fall, winter.
"Now she's going to lie down peacefully in a vast room. If I were to follow after her bawling and sobbing, it would show that I don't understand anything about fate. So I stopped.”
Lost my brother-in-law few months back after a long battle with cancer. My sister is still mourning. It takes time and it never really goes away fully. You just get used to it I guess.
One of the things I thought and shared with her, and which had some effect was this: we all die and we all spend our time here in various ways. Being sad for a loss means that we were lucky enough to have someone of high value in our lives. That is not a given. So, sad as we might be it's also a reason to be happy that we were that lucky. The alternative would be to never have met them and thus lead a much poorer life.
Dunno if that helps.
Anyway it's been 12 years and I'm afraid I haven't found a good way to cope with it. The first few years were a nightmare to put it very lightly. But at one point I just learned to live with the thought that he's gone. Which is not to say that I don't think about him every day. It just became a norm for me and while it still bothers me and occasionally keeps me up awake at night, I've kind of accepted it and learned to live with it.
I wish I could give you a less morbid answer but I'm afraid that's the best I can do. Sorry. And sorry for your loss.
It's very sad and recently I cry regularly. Don't be afraid of crying, it's good for the soul.
Before my mom passed she said she just wants me to live my life. Do things that make me happy because before you know it life is over. She said: of course you will be sad in the beginning but don't let it control/ruin your life (like it did with my brother, alcoholism), live your life! Do all the things you want to do and don't wait to do it "someday". That memory really helped me a lot with the grieving process and made me realize that life is for the living, let the dead be dead.
I also educated my mom a bit because we never said "I love you" so one day I told her, let's say it! And get over this awkwardness. Since that time (she was already sick) we said it occasionally and I'm very glad we did that. I told her as kids we need to hear these things :)) . That taught me that as kids it's oké to tell your parents your needs. Parents aren't perfect and the're trying their best.
So how do I cope? In my experience the people that are dying are usually afraid that their death will mess up their loved one's lifes permanently and that they are "responsible" for it. So just live life man. That's the greatest thing you can do to honor the ones that have passed. Sometimes you feel like a zombie, sometimes you feel like nothing changed. It's all part of the experience we call life. We are just getting to know more about life and all the sadness and happiness it has to offer.
I found this shortly after losing someone. For me, I was lucky, I'd had the chance to say goodbye, and they knew how I felt. Even so, this spoke to me. http://www.solipsys.co.uk/images/Grief_FromAnOldGuy.jpg Someone on reddit wrote the following heartfelt plea online: "My friend just died. I don't know what to do. " A lot of people responded. Then there‘s one old guy’s incredible comment that stood out from the rest…
Here’s my advice, having gone through a grief counseling process.
- People are sympathetic to you, but they don’t know what to say. You might run into people who just throw out a trope like “be strong” or “time will heal all wounds”. Often this isn’t really functional advice, they are just at a loss when thinking about what to say to you. The thing not to do is try to follow this well meaning advice, because while your friend might be able to suppress the thoughts about your loved one passing, you might need to actually deal with it.
- One of the main issues with common advice it when it suggests that you hide your emotions. There's no such thing as being strong. Crying or not crying isn't about strength, whether you try one or the other against your instincts it's an emotional agony that you don't need.
- I won’t say I know how you feel. Your relationship with your loved one is personal, and relationships all have specific highs and lows. Death can even be a relief for some people.
- I worked through a book called “The Grief Recovery Handbook”. It’s worth a read. It encourage you to think through your relationship and what it means to you. You end up doing a timeline and writing a short letter.
- Often all you want is someone to sit and listen to you. You’ll find you have more friends than you thought. I ended up getting my dad's life story from one of his close friends.
With time, the waves hit less and less often. For a while, though, it’s just the frequency that changes - not the amplitude. It will hit just as hard, and your responsibility remains the same: just don’t drown.
With a lot more time, the waves get smaller, too.
My only piece of advice is that when the waves hit, don’t focus on dog-paddling or floating or whatever stupid fucking thing people say you should be doing. Just. Don’t. Drown.
When the wave breaks, and you have your moment of peace, then you can take a moment to remind yourself that this will pass. The waves will get less frequent, and smaller.
Perhaps a touch more actionable: when my father passed, I found it helpful to engage in hobbies related to, but not identical to, his. It hit the right balance of making me feel in touch with him, without clobbering me over the head by emphasizing his absence.