Ask HN: How to cope with the death of a dear person?

However, I find it hard to say the words, it doesn't really need to be said, it is known. It's a cultural difference for me.

In return, all I can offer is the notion that you are not alone. This is something that probably all of us have to face one day.

Also, I recall the story of Richard Feynman in his old age walking with his friend joking about his surgery & illness, and his friend remarked that he is sad because Feynman was probably going to die soon. Then Feynman said that he has told so many stories over his lifetime, and it feels like he's won't really be completely gone as long as those stories are remembered.

The 42 song by Coldplay encapsulates this.

"Those who are dead are not dead, they're just living in my head"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nkZJc7oA9cE

As for how to deal with it, that is different for every person. Some people prefer to dive deep into their work to take their mind off things. When my father died, it was the other way round for me: I felt I needed time and space to deal with the consequences, both practically and emotionally. Work felt like a distraction that I really couldn't use at the time, so I more or less stopped working for several months. Clearing out my father's possessions, selling his apartment and dealing with the inheritance was part of the grieving process. By the time all that was done we were nearly half a year further along, and I felt ready to start picking up my life again.

Even so, many years later I'll still get tears welling up whenever I think back on that period, and I'll never not wish that my father was still here and that I could have shared with him everything that has happened in the meantime.

During this period we never told ourselves that we loved each other, not because it never came about, or was too awkward, but because our actions were expressions of love.

It's probably the instance that makes more sense with the cliché: actions speak louder than words.

That's how I justified it in my mind and came to terms with it for not saying it, and makes sense to me. I knew, and my mom knew, death was around the corner. But we also knew we loved each other.

Could it be that saying I love you so much meant "goodbye", so we avoided saying it?

I don't think so, we enjoyed our company and expressed our love for each other throughout our lives, and that happened until the final moment. It still happens to this day that my mom is no longer here, and will carry on until my mind fades away or on my death bed.

Maybe our believes helped us as well, since we both had a sense of continuity of life and death.

I miss her a lot.

Since then I feel more empathy, and I have a new appreciation for the time I spend with my family and friends. On the other side, things like work became a shore and I've been struggling with it... like if I'm not doing meaningful things then they're pointless and a waste of time.

I don't but he knew you loved him. People who have introspection after losing someone usually are great at telling people. I have lost people which is why I do and tell people how I feel about them.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0061686077/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_...