What should I do with my life?

I'm 20. Never finished high school, did several years of classes at community colleges I took just for fun (mostly art, science, and math). I really just breathed through most of my classes there, and usually would come stoned, just to hangout (and still end up passing classes most of the time). Somehow college seemed like a better alternative to sitting at home watching stupid movies.

Worked as a software engineer (Flash/C++) for some time, then was like "fuck it", quit, started freelancing/studying art.

Now, I don't know what to do. My lack of degree or specialization makes me feel like I have less of an identity. I don't know what to put in my Facebook profile.

I always feel like a drug-addled high-school drop-out, who burned his mind so much he'll end up homeless on the street. Like one of those crazy people who talk about aliens all the time, and such. But then I remember I actually worked recently, and still am able to catch freelance positions, and live without parents' support, and I'm like "whoa, I'm sooo far from a homeless drug-addict and I'm only 20".

I just.. I don't know. Ever since I quit my job I feel like I've lost direction in life and just stumble aimlessly, drawing things, coding JavaScript/C++ for clients that never pay, and generally asking myself "what the fuck am I going to be when I'm 30".

I'm probably a bit of an oddball, hence why I can't understand what will happen to me.

Am I going to be in jail? But why, I don't deal drugs, or kill people, or drive drunk.

Am I going to be dead? Probably not.

Am I going to be married? I don't know.

I guess it's hard to see into the future, but I kind of wish there was more stability in my life.

Is everybody like this or is it just me?

PS. Oh, common, no one notices I put "jail, dead, married" in one comparison? :)

I was like that when I was 20, except for the art stuff. I write code, that's what I'm good at, everything else is uninteresting, therefore I fail at it horribly.

Nevertheless, ten years later, I have a good job, which I absolutely love, and even when I leave home, I can barely wait the next morning so I can come back in and work. (Ok, it's not THAT bad, but you get the idea!)

And whenever I ask myself "what the hell am I going to do when I'm 40?", I know the answer: I'll still be working here, still be loving it. Perhaps I'll have a mid-length tie by then, perhaps not - I'm not worried.

Life, and jobs aswell, has its ups and downs. Starting a career is usually a bit of a downhill ride at first, but don't worry, once you find that one thing you were meant to do, these questions about the future will vanish.

Wait, so writing code is actually interesting for you? That's funny. I always thought of it as 'means to the end', something you had to do, like paying taxes to the machine in order for it to animate your stuff and make it do things.

If you've got some coding skills and some art skills then I'd suggest you think about working in the computer games industry where these things tend to collide. You'll probably need some maths but you could probably study that.

I don't think it's just you. When I was 20 I had a really hard time knowing what I was going to do next (in fact, when I was about 22 I had a real crisis about how I was going to get through the next year because I felt so lost).

I would suggest that you do a couple of things: feeling lost can be a real drain on your ability to see clearly, so you might want to find a counsellor of some sort to talk things through. I'm not suggesting that there's something wrong with you, but my experience is that in life it can be hard to explain to someone you know all the thoughts you are having and it's easier to explain to someone neutral. I've been through that and it does help. It's not a magic bullet but it helps.

Secondly, have you thought about producing something yourself? For example, perhaps you have an idea for a mobile phone app (or game) that you could produce to show off your skills (and perhaps make some money).

I figured out (after dropping out ;) that college isn't about the diploma but about the connections you make.

Add to that that you'll learn a shared vocabulary and 'way of thinking' which will allow you to communicate better with those connections.

So if you want to know what to study, just ask yourself which company of graduates you would like to belong to.

It'll also help with that sense of identity you felt you were missing.