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On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness

residentcontrarian.substack.com

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Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness

#71

Post by benlivengood »

edgyquant wrote: post #10
throwaway0a5e wrote: post #7

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>having a romantic and sexual relationship is not a requirement for a happy life. It is for many, many, many people.

Yeah people who say this are so wrong, companionship and a significant other is a required for a fulfilled life for a majority of people. We evolved to have this, and most people need it. You shouldn’t depend on one for happiness, but there is nothing wrong or weird about longing for one.

> You shouldn’t depend on one for happiness, but there is nothing wrong or weird about longing for one.

Precisely; too many men rely on partnership to meet most or all of their emotional needs and that is what drives intense loneliness when they don't have a partner.

Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness

#72

Post by baby »

benlivengood wrote: post #4

> I got absurdly lucky when I found my wife, but I spent every day without her more or less miserable. It’s arguable she’s the only reason I’m able to be happy. I imagine some of these men are similar to me in the loneliness and not as lucky in finding someone, and it’s impossible for me to not feel something. This is basically a red flag for any relationship. If the only thing making or allowing a person to be happy…

Sorry but I’ll have to downvote this, there’s something about humans that is either cultural or genetic, but we travel and live in groups and we settle with partner(s). Being alone might be OK in a tribe, but as we moved to more isolated and individualist ways of living being alone means something completely different. On top of that every song you hear is about love and every movie you watch has a love story. You go out and you see happy couples around you, conversations most often revolve around dating.

My theory is that behind every violent crime or act of terrorism there is a huge amount of frustration that built up from not having that someone.

Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness

#73

Post by smooth_remmy »

benlivengood wrote: post #4

> I got absurdly lucky when I found my wife, but I spent every day without her more or less miserable. It’s arguable she’s the only reason I’m able to be happy. I imagine some of these men are similar to me in the loneliness and not as lucky in finding someone, and it’s impossible for me to not feel something. This is basically a red flag for any relationship. If the only thing making or allowing a person to be happy…

> This is basically a red flag for any relationship. If the only thing making or allowing a person to be happy in life is their partner then something is wrong. Mental health is no joke and not being able to enjoy life is usually a symptom of an underlying cause. Depression is probably the most common but anxiety disorders can be similarly hard.

There is a great amount of neuro-diversity in the human species. Some people are wired to be rugged individualists who could enjoy living by themselves in a cabin in the woods. Other people are wired to need to be around their family.

For some people, its not a choice, its how their brain is wired.

Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness

#74

Post by NickM »

AnIdiotOnTheNet wrote: post #20
throwaway0a5e wrote: post #7

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>having a romantic and sexual relationship is not a requirement for a happy life. It is for many, many, many people.

I don't think that is true, but that's because I think there's a huge difference between what people think will make them happy and what actually will. The former tends to be an ever moving target, the latter requires a change in perspective that takes quite a bit of effort and doesn't make anyone any money.

Not sure why you're getting downvoted; others may not agree, but I think you have a very valid opinion. It is an incredibly common human experience to think "I would be happy if only I had X," only to find that achieving X does not actually make one happy.

Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness

#75

Post by jhgb »

Phrodo_00 wrote: post #55
edgyquant wrote: post #40

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’ve seen this thrown around by Jordan Peterson and his fans but I’ve never met anyone, regardless of how crazy their ideology was, advocate for equality of outcomes outside of basic necessities. I’m convinced it’s a strawman.

Haven't had a refresher on it since high school, so I might be totally out of the loop, but isn't equality of outcome the point of marxism?

No, the point of Marxism is transitioning the society through socialism into communism.

Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness

#76

Post by Red_Leaves_Flyy »

benlivengood wrote: post #4

> I got absurdly lucky when I found my wife, but I spent every day without her more or less miserable. It’s arguable she’s the only reason I’m able to be happy. I imagine some of these men are similar to me in the loneliness and not as lucky in finding someone, and it’s impossible for me to not feel something. This is basically a red flag for any relationship. If the only thing making or allowing a person to be happy…

>It’s arguable she’s the only reason I’m able to be happy. ...then something is wrong.

I don't think work life balance and societal expectations are given enough discussion in these matters. Having a toxic job or no balance is going to breed problems in even the most well adjusted people.

Likewise, men are taught by society at large to providers. Men are expected to get great jobs so the wife can stay at the mcmansion with the kids and that anything less than this is a failure of their person. I'm obviously exaggerating, but these messages still abound in pop culture.

I don't know what the solution is, but I think it starts with employees taking more control over the work they do, how they work, and what happens to the profits they create.

Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness

#78

Post by medium_burrito »

I think we need to legalize both polygamy and sex work.

1) Given the dating dynamics of 80% of women wanting only 20% of the men, clearly society is depriving these women of their desired relationships.

2) If the 80% of men cannot have a relationship, and we agree sex is a basic need, and we don't have sex robots yet, then sex work fulfills a valuable role.

https://web.archive.org/web/20091121080804/http://blog.okcup...

Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness

#79

Post by bjl »

Phrodo_00 wrote: post #55
edgyquant wrote: post #40

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’ve seen this thrown around by Jordan Peterson and his fans but I’ve never met anyone, regardless of how crazy their ideology was, advocate for equality of outcomes outside of basic necessities. I’m convinced it’s a strawman.

Haven't had a refresher on it since high school, so I might be totally out of the loop, but isn't equality of outcome the point of marxism?

Not even a little bit...

Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness

#80

Post by gustavo-fring »

a_band wrote: post #77

The correlation of the appearance of this phenomenon with the rise of porn really shouldn't be ignored.

Can't be ignored but that rise was caused by and coincides with a ton of other cultural, social, and technological changes.
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