isn't sex/partner/pro-creation at the very root of all forms of life? If you can't have sex then nature is saying you shouldn't have sex.
On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness
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Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness
#12> I got absurdly lucky when I found my wife, but I spent every day without her more or less miserable. It’s arguable she’s the only reason I’m able to be happy. I imagine some of these men are similar to me in the loneliness and not as lucky in finding someone, and it’s impossible for me to not feel something. This is basically a red flag for any relationship. If the only thing making or allowing a person to be happy…
>having a romantic and sexual relationship is not a requirement for a happy life. It is for many, many, many people.
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Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness
#13For another similarly compassionate view of “incels” see:
https://slatestarcodex.com/2014/08/31/radicalizing-the-roman...
Edit: fixed link to point to the right article
Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness
#14> I got absurdly lucky when I found my wife, but I spent every day without her more or less miserable. It’s arguable she’s the only reason I’m able to be happy. I imagine some of these men are similar to me in the loneliness and not as lucky in finding someone, and it’s impossible for me to not feel something. This is basically a red flag for any relationship. If the only thing making or allowing a person to be happy…
As a lone wolf I totally disagree.
I think that we are engineered to have sexual and romantic partners by default. And there are some, like me, that somehow we can live without one and not fall into addiction traps ( drugs, party, videogames... ).
But we all have friends ( most ) that are not like this, the difference for most of them between being single or not is big, and I don’t agree that they are depressed its just human nature.
Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness
#15> I got absurdly lucky when I found my wife, but I spent every day without her more or less miserable. It’s arguable she’s the only reason I’m able to be happy. I imagine some of these men are similar to me in the loneliness and not as lucky in finding someone, and it’s impossible for me to not feel something. This is basically a red flag for any relationship. If the only thing making or allowing a person to be happy…
>having a romantic and sexual relationship is not a requirement for a happy life. It is for many, many, many people.
Happiness comes and goes with the wind. Greet it openly when it visits you, but it will be gone tomorrow. Seek contentment instead.
Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness
#16This is a sensitive topic that's hard to bring up and keep things productive in discussing it. So often I see examples of bad behavior, and the commentary is often to demonize and treat the offender as an outcast.
We aren't going to make progress until we start considering that the offenders might be acting out due to internal turmoil and trauma, and that we should be trying to help these people, not outcast them.
Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness
#17There is a lot to unpack here, and it is difficult to know where to begin.
I had a friend who was a pastor who lamented he didn't like that his yearly board game get-together with his other [often pastor] friends often ended up discussing their dead bedrooms. I have no idea how these dynamics have come to be so common, even taking into account the usual ebbs and flows in relationships. I don't know if this problem occurs at higher rates in more religious couples. I suspect that this is the collateral damage of [obviously misguided] purity culture, but we see the same patterns outside of religious couples.
Edit: I should clarify to say the only reason I'm writing this is that these problems have a big impact on people's lives, aren't easy to fix, and often buried from everyone around them.
Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness
#18> I got absurdly lucky when I found my wife, but I spent every day without her more or less miserable. It’s arguable she’s the only reason I’m able to be happy. I imagine some of these men are similar to me in the loneliness and not as lucky in finding someone, and it’s impossible for me to not feel something. This is basically a red flag for any relationship. If the only thing making or allowing a person to be happy…
> having a romantic and sexual relationship is not a requirement for a happy life.
I don't have the all data off hand (see some citations below) but I believe they say married men live longer, commit less crimes and are happier. So yes in some sense, can you be happy if you are not married however, is it almost certainly harder. I assume you would find similar data for not having a romantic parter. You, a human, are not an island and almost certainly would benefit from close personal and romantic connections.
I would say that there is a way of expressing this towards your partner -- especially too early in a relationship -- that can be very draining.
https://scholar.harvard.edu/files/sampson/files/2006_crimino...
https://www.health.harvard.edu/mens-health/marriage-and-mens...
https://ifstudies.org/blog/does-marriage-really-make-us-heal...
Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness
#19Earlier quoted context omitted.
>having a romantic and sexual relationship is not a requirement for a happy life. It is for many, many, many people.
Yeah people who say this are so wrong, companionship and a significant other is a required for a fulfilled life for a majority of people. We evolved to have this, and most people need it. You shouldn’t depend on one for happiness, but there is nothing wrong or weird about longing for one.
On the flip side, however, no one owes you companionship or a relationship (platonic or not). If you are struggling to fulfill that need, it's on you to improve yourself through building skills, seeking therapy, finding appropriate medications, or whatever else. Pushing the blame outwards to some other group for not bending to fulfill your needs is a real problematic stance.
Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness
#20> I got absurdly lucky when I found my wife, but I spent every day without her more or less miserable. It’s arguable she’s the only reason I’m able to be happy. I imagine some of these men are similar to me in the loneliness and not as lucky in finding someone, and it’s impossible for me to not feel something. This is basically a red flag for any relationship. If the only thing making or allowing a person to be happy…
>having a romantic and sexual relationship is not a requirement for a happy life. It is for many, many, many people.
I don't think that is true, but that's because I think there's a huge difference between what people think will make them happy and what actually will. The former tends to be an ever moving target, the latter requires a change in perspective that takes quite a bit of effort and doesn't make anyone any money.