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What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

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Re: What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

#41

Post by matmatmatmat »

Something I haven't seen in the comments, yet, is that kids are truly a one-way decision. I knew this before I went into it, but the repercussions didn't really hit me until after we brought the kid into the world.

You will find out things about your spouse and yourself that you never knew about, but your kid will have inherited them. Some of these things are attractive features, others are not. You might have to figure out how to deal with a feature of your kid that is not attractive. Some of these things can be fixed in post, others, not so much. Some of these possibilities include genetic diseases, which absolutely no one deserves, but do happen.

Having a kid is an enormously brave and risky decision. You roll the dice and you get what you get. There's no going back.

Edit: All that said, I do not regret my decision, even though I've been exhausted for coming up on two years and so has my wife. When it's bad, it's the worst. When it's good, it's the best. You will find yourself capable of more patience and resilience than you ever thought possible.

Re: What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

#44

Post by thenoblesunfish »

kohanz wrote: post #12

Having kids is a personal choice. In order to have them, you should want to have them. It's a gut feel. Conversely, if you don't, you shouldn't need any supporting arguments or evidence to justify that choice to someone else. It's your life. I get the sense that you already have the gut feel, but are looking for supporting evidence and I would ask "why?". The worst thing someone can do is have kids when they don't wa…

The problem is when your gut is inconclusive, or when there’s a biological clock. Anecdotally from my experience, those are both common.

Re: What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

#45

Post by lotsofpulp »

blacktriangle wrote: post #21
tommek4077 wrote: post #13

Your hobbies will lose.

They'll come back. Little kids are incredibly time intensive, but once your youngest hits 6 or so and starts having their own interests, friends, hobbies, sleep overs, you'll start getting a lot of that free time back, and if you're lucky you can even start sharing hobbies with your kids.

My parents and grandparents comment that all the younger people today have to spend a lot more time with their kids than they ever did. They said they had 3 and 4 and 5 kids and once they were walking, they were outside in the village with other kids and older siblings/cousins and they didn’t see them again until they got hungry. Or maybe they ate at a neighbor’s house. Either way, parenting of little kids definitely takes more time and effort than previous generations.

Re: What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

#46

Post by rbliss »

Nothing I’ve learned so far that would make me change my decision to have kids. I have one daughter, and am absolutely loving it.

That said, I can understand this isn’t for everyone. I wanted to have kids, and understood the pace of my life would change because of it. Having kids absolutely does take sacrifice, commitment, sleeplessness, stress, money, and a lot of things one might not want to give up.

But! I’ve learned a lot about love and sacrifice and empathize at a deeper level of understanding for other parents. Any child with a health condition becomes heart breaking in a way that’s tough to communicate. Stressed out and tired parents are doing their best in difficult circumstances.

There are a lot of reasons to have or not have a kid. Choose what’s right for you but make sure to be honest with yourself.

Re: What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

#47

Post by elite_hackers3 »

matmatmatmat wrote: post #41

Something I haven't seen in the comments, yet, is that kids are truly a one-way decision. I knew this before I went into it, but the repercussions didn't really hit me until after we brought the kid into the world. You will find out things about your spouse and yourself that you never knew about, but your kid will have inherited them. Some of these things are attractive features, others are not. You might have to fig…

it's as brave as "travelling" or "applying to business school" - it's just another experience to be consumed.

Re: What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

#48

Post by mgarfias »

With the first kid, I wouldn’t have chosen his mom, I should have shopped around more.

It’s cost me a ton of money, and my health dealing with her after the fact. Kid is 11 now, and doing pretty well all things considered, but it’s been a long road to get here. At least I have legal custody and get to make decisions vs letting conspiracy theories inform all decisions.

With the 2nd kid, I chose wisely, and no issues with my wife, and she’s a great step mom to my 2nd kid.

Re: What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

#49

Post by slumdev »

mdorazio wrote: post #38
slumdev wrote: post #28

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you think perpetuating the species is selfish, this conversation probably isn't for you.

There is a rather large difference between perpetuating the species at a sustainable level and “everyone who even remotely wants kids should have some.” If you can’t appreciate this difference, this thread probably isn’t for you.

Read the comment I responded to. It said nothing about sustainable levels:

> I would argue having children is incredibly selfish

Re: What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

#50

Post by frigideru »

Be honest with your partner about this chance that you're taking, things can oscillate between amazing to really bad, so do some thinking about how you'll react. Find out how you cope with the lack of sleep. Hobbies went from 10-15h a week to 1-2h and I'm mostly fine with just keeping tabs with them.

I don't question our decision, but these seem the most important and affected for me.

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