Ask HN: How to Speak Confidently? • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: How to Speak Confidently?

#91

Post by yboris » Thu, Apr 15, 2021, 12:08 AM UTC

lcall wrote: post #86

lcall wrote: post #57

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes. I also find myself saying "Sometimes I wonder if...", or "it seems...", or phrasing things as questions that I know will either make the point (if no one has a response), or help me learn (if I was wrong), or it simply quietly tells me that the group doesn't know and if it is very important maybe I should do more to find out. It seems that there are % confidence levels and keeping those in mind, rather than sayi…

ps: re the above: I was told in comments about a simple college paper I had to write, that some statements like that were "weak" (from a good friend, and I think he helped my paper get a better grade when I made changes; but that was just a vanilla sort of undergrad class). But Benjamin Franklin said he intentionally avoided strong statements, even when he was sure he was right, to better continue conversation with g…

Note the different scenarios: an amicable conversation (a collaborative exploration of ideas) rather than a written academic piece where you need to make a claim (defend a thesis).

Re: Ask HN: How to Speak Confidently?

#92

Post by intricatedetail » Thu, Apr 15, 2021, 12:29 AM UTC

MeinBlutIstBlau wrote: post #28

Graffur wrote: post #19

I recommend reading this book: https://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/... I also recommend writing down your ideas. When you lose your train of thought you can refer back to what is written down. Ask for help - tell the group you've lost your train of thought and ask what was the last thing you said. People do not want to see you fail, they will help you. Acknowledge it is okay if you don't sound…

That book is snake oil written for introverts. Your ticket to confidence is public speaking, conversing with strangers, capable of holding conversations even with people you hate or are bored with, and leaving your damn room to do literally anything but staying at home. If you're still embarrassed to show vulnerability and that you have faults, you'll never be confident.

What if you are not interested in other person private life, weather, etc I cannot find a point in those small talk conversations. Rarely people done anything interesting and it's hard to pretend you are genuinely interested. I rarely speak to people. How to find interest?

Re: Ask HN: How to Speak Confidently?

#93

Post by troelsSteegin » Thu, Apr 15, 2021, 12:59 AM UTC

I like Scott Berkun's book "Confessions of a Public Speaker". Berkun emphasizes practice. His focus is on talks, as distinct from meetings, which is what I interpret to be your interest.

In meetings, I would continue to listen hard, and make note of critical points - and then after the meeting, have a quick chat with someone else from the meeting and share an observation or two. You can build confidence and reputation that way. In the meeting proper, if you get flustered, slow down. You belong there and people want to hear what you have to say. One approach is to focus first on the thing that you think people really need to hear, and then explain it.

Re: Ask HN: How to Speak Confidently?

#94

Post by RickJWagner » Thu, Apr 15, 2021, 1:14 AM UTC

Think carefully about what you want to say, then wait 30 years or so. :)

Seriously. The older you get, the less you worry about what other people think. You can be a little more truthful.

Re: Ask HN: How to Speak Confidently?

#95

Post by [deleted] » Thu, Apr 15, 2021, 4:07 AM UTC

pwillia7 wrote: post #49

Lots of good advice in the thread -- I'll take a different angle on it. There is and should be a difference in the way you communicate with your family and friends and coworkers, however, I think basically all people draw that line too absolutely and try to create a 'professional' persona they use at work. The most effective you are in conversation is how you speak to your friends and family. Consciously breaking dow…

[deleted]

Re: Ask HN: How to Speak Confidently?

#96

Post by scyzoryk_xyz » Thu, Apr 15, 2021, 7:25 AM UTC

Record yourself talking, watch, repeat.

It won’t fix everything you talk about, but it will certainly give you material to actually work with.

I spent several years as an english teacher and I coached people to learn how to speak publicly with confidence.

Re: Ask HN: How to Speak Confidently?

#97

Post by beardyw » Thu, Apr 15, 2021, 9:22 AM UTC

globular-toast wrote: post #43

If you're confident, you'll speak confidently. Why do you want to appear confident if you're not?

Whilst that sounds a little harsh, I think it sums up the actual answer. To speak confidently you need to be confident. Much of the advice in the other answers will help you achieve that.

Re: Ask HN: How to Speak Confidently?

#98

Post by andredz » Thu, Apr 15, 2021, 1:08 PM UTC

spaetzleesser wrote: post #85

andredz wrote: post #59

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That sounds good. :) Would you like to share some of the other things you've done to improve your life (if it's not too personal)?

I haven’t thought deeply about this but here are some things: - starting martial arts and then boxing. As a skinny guy it’s nice to know that you can take on most guys even if you never have to do it. This confidence is very helpful even in business situations. Being in shape also helps with the ladies... - yoga and meditation - traveling alone through India and other parts of Asia. Once you have survived that there…

Thank you for sharing them :) I'm glad they have helped you and I'll keep them in mind. Specially, I feel that, some day, I'll remember the one about traveling alone and it will be helpful.

Re: Ask HN: How to Speak Confidently?

#99

Post by domano » Thu, Apr 15, 2021, 1:43 PM UTC

pwillia7 wrote: post #49

Lots of good advice in the thread -- I'll take a different angle on it. There is and should be a difference in the way you communicate with your family and friends and coworkers, however, I think basically all people draw that line too absolutely and try to create a 'professional' persona they use at work. The most effective you are in conversation is how you speak to your friends and family. Consciously breaking dow…

I totally agree with you. The people talking through a "professional facade" always seem to be very disconnected and not genuine. I stay professional if need be, but allowing for the same mannerisms and humor as in day-to-day speech makes you easier to talk to. Listeners can connect to your contents easier, since there is no emotional barrier (difficult to explain, but there is a social barrier with these overly professional people for sure)

Re: Ask HN: How to Speak Confidently?

#100

Post by lcall » Thu, Apr 15, 2021, 7:26 PM UTC

yboris wrote: post #91

lcall wrote: post #86

Earlier quoted context omitted.

ps: re the above: I was told in comments about a simple college paper I had to write, that some statements like that were "weak" (from a good friend, and I think he helped my paper get a better grade when I made changes; but that was just a vanilla sort of undergrad class). But Benjamin Franklin said he intentionally avoided strong statements, even when he was sure he was right, to better continue conversation with g…

Note the different scenarios: an amicable conversation (a collaborative exploration of ideas) rather than a written academic piece where you need to make a claim (defend a thesis).

A good point. I was thinking both at different times; Mr. Franklin (IIRC--been a while) was referring to conversation among groups of friends.