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Ask HN: How to Speak Confidently?

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Re: Ask HN: How to Speak Confidently?

#51

Post by mindcrime »

sergiosgc wrote: post #46
WhompingWindows wrote: post #22

The best way is practice -- you simply get used to anything the more you do it. When I was in HS, I joined debate club, where we spoke for 5-10 minutes at a time in front of anywhere from 5-20 club friends or opponents. When you do this repeatedly, for most people, your anxiety and nerves eventually go away, and it's just "what you do" now. The same was true of musical performance: I hated performing until I did it a…

> You can also have default responses to buy time: "Thank you, that's a great question" gives them a nice compliment and buys you 5 seconds to think. It's also important to realize that you don't need to buy time as much as you think you do. When in the spotlight, people tend to think they need to react quickly under penalty of seeming insecure. It's false. You can take a few seconds to prepare an answer and it still…

It's also important to realize that you don't need to buy time as much as you think you do. When in the spotlight, people tend to think they need to react quickly under penalty of seeming insecure. It's false. You can take a few seconds to prepare an answer and it still seems natural, even projecting an aura of confidence.

I would add that you can take a lot more time than you probably think you can, as long as you "own it" properly. If you get asked a hard question, the audience will probably realize it's a hard question. I would have no problem standing there for 30 seconds or more, saying absolutely nothing in some cases. But I would say the key is to not act anxious, nervous, or scared in that case. Just try to convey the sense that you're a sharp, qualified person, who has just been asked a Really Hard Question and needs time to ponder it.

You can do that by not fidgeting, and by controlled mannerisms: look up and out into space, but in an obviously conscious manner... or chew your bottom lip a little and furrow your brow... or steeple your hands and look at your hands while also having a furrowed brow, etc. There are other ways to communicate what I'm getting at, so just experiment. What you don't want is a "deer in the headlights" look, or that stereotypical "blank expression" that conveys "I have no clue what's going on right now."

The key point is, you don't have to have an immediate answer to every question. Pauses and silence are OK, to a point.

Re: Ask HN: How to Speak Confidently?

#53

Post by motohagiography »

1. ask questions and frame your thoughts as questions to others and be interested in the answers. my external confidence comes from my absolute confidence that I am sincerely interested.

2. Improv, or be funny.

3. Olivia Cabane's "The Charisma Myth" https://www.amazon.com/Charisma-Myth-Science-Personal-Magnet...

Re: Ask HN: How to Speak Confidently?

#54

Post by lcall »

Some ideas:

Be humble. I don't mean talk yourself down, but keep in mind we all are still learning.

Be open to feedback. Know the purpose and something about the audience. Make an outline (at least). Think it over. Have enough written that if you get stuck or have a memory lapse, you aren't just done. Learn the material well enough that you can look at the audience, and talk to them like they are other humans (maybe even some are friends). Know the time limit and stop on time.

And then what isn't to be confident about? We're all capable of thinking and of being nervous, and of saying what we think in an organized way then sitting down.

I wrote more at my site (buried there somewhere). I hope some info there on speaking can be useful (it is to me, it is how I work it out, when preparing to speak), whether because of or in spite of the religious content, as I had speaking in Church mainly in mind (in mine, anyone might be asked to speak, from a young age, though of course one can decline).

A friend from my past went to toastmasters, mentioned here, and now hosts a weekly radio show on ~ bluegrass/folk/world music. (gregharness.com)

Edits: But for ad-hoc settings, like conversations and meetings?: I am still working on that too. I think people are just different in those situations, some who tend to think fast, or deeply, or different levels of desiring to consider facts before speaking, or different levels or kinds of courtesy. Some prefer long meetings, others short; email vs. interruptions. Among the main universal desirables I can see are honesty, effort, and kindness, and observing people and situations. I have made many notes and reminders of things I am trying, like things to try to always remember, that help me. Sometimes I just fall back to "I have to think it over and can get back to you", or maybe "That doesn't sound right [or good], but I need to think about how best to articulate it." If people are so unkind as to not accept that, perhaps they need to see an example of honesty and kindness over time, while we all keep doing our best.

Listening and considering others' perspective are also key (without it, we end up at war or something). I also find it helpful to put myself in the shoes of the audience (or of others) and go through the process mentally, rehearsing in a loose way, to just imagine how it might go -- corrections and ideas often come up that way. Also imagining being the audience: what questions come to mind if you want to pick it apart? Then mentally practice an appropriate/helpful response. Mental practice of a challenging situation is really helpful -- maybe there's some better name for doing that -- how it could go, how you want it to go, how it could fail, what you would do to address the failure and move on so "no problem", etc.

Re: Ask HN: How to Speak Confidently?

#55

Post by msluyter »

herodoturtle wrote: post #15
1cvmask wrote: post #5

Check out Toastmasters https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toastmasters_International

Heya, I see a few recommendations on this thread for Toastmasters. Would you mind sharing a couple of key insights that you learnt there? Thanks ^_^

I learned a ton and didn't even make it through the first 10 speeches[1]. Some off the top of my head:

* Organization -- learning how to center a speech around a topic with 2-3 supporting points.

* Brevity -- the 3 min time limit is hard to adhere to, and it takes practice. Which leads to...

* Practice -- practicing giving speeches, speaking extemporaneously, standing in front of others... all incredibly valuable.

* Handling criticism -- criticism is built into the process. After you give a speech, someone else follows up with a critique. Which may seem incredibly frightening at first, but normalizing it and making it part of the process in this manner is incredibly powerful and confidence/resilience boosting. (Plus, in my experience, people are quite positive and uplifting in their critiques.)

Beyond any specific insights or ideas that I learned, I think it's the overall process that's the magic. It builds confidence that extends beyond formal public speaking and impacts your everyday interactions as well.

[1] I wish I had stuck with it longer. I moved and never found a new group to join. This thread reminds me that I should look for one again!

Re: Ask HN: How to Speak Confidently?

#56

Post by mud_dauber »

pwillia7 wrote: post #49

Lots of good advice in the thread -- I'll take a different angle on it. There is and should be a difference in the way you communicate with your family and friends and coworkers, however, I think basically all people draw that line too absolutely and try to create a 'professional' persona they use at work. The most effective you are in conversation is how you speak to your friends and family. Consciously breaking dow…

This is the correct answer. Well stated.

Re: Ask HN: How to Speak Confidently?

#57

Post by lcall »

yboris wrote: post #34

1. It's easiest to talk well about things you are confident about. If you're not confident, broadcast that lack of confidence clearly and proceed talking (e.g. "I'm not confident about this, but I suspect ..."). Larry King in his book gave this advice: if you're bad at public speaking, when you come out on stage, just say "I'm bad at this, I'll try my best" (manage expectations) and now you won't be as stressed if yo…

Yes. I also find myself saying "Sometimes I wonder if...", or "it seems...", or phrasing things as questions that I know will either make the point (if no one has a response), or help me learn (if I was wrong), or it simply quietly tells me that the group doesn't know and if it is very important maybe I should do more to find out.

It seems that there are % confidence levels and keeping those in mind, rather than saying everything like you know it for sure, i.e., an aspect of honesty, makes everything easier in the long run.

Edit: and if I just can't agree with what someone is saying, I find it helps to say "that doesn't seem to agree with my personal experience", or "I'm just not seeing it, maybe there's another way you could explain it...?", or ask them friendly questions like walking along beside them in their space, considering what they really want and how they might get it. Or I aspire to be better at doing that. Much more at my site, including about difficult conversations or where the other person is extremely stressed or emotional and I am tired (so vulnerable to saying something I might regret).

Also, one huge thing for me has been that if I think I have a criticism (or other negativity) to offer, to be in the habit of waiting 72 hours before saying it, in which time I usually realize it wasn't important enough to hurt someone, or wasn't the most helpful way to convey something (with some possible exceptions if it is urgent and critical, but then humility can become even more important).

Genuine kindness & honesty really go far.

Re: Ask HN: How to Speak Confidently?

#58

Post by anonu »

> Sometimes when I start speaking and if people are silent or if I can not read their expressions, I start loosing confidence.

Ask them a question when this happens.

* Do you understand what I mean? * Have you had that experience? * Its crazy, right? What do you think?

Re: Ask HN: How to Speak Confidently?

#59

Post by andredz »

spaetzleesser wrote: post #26

I highly recommend doing toastmasters. I also had problems with not being able to read people’s expressions while speaking and then becoming very nervous. It took me only a few speeches at toastmasters to learn that a lot of people have a blank stare or even frown while listening but actually liking the speech. I went from being super nervous and reluctant to speak to not being nervous at all in less than a year. Toa…

That sounds good. :) Would you like to share some of the other things you've done to improve your life (if it's not too personal)?

Re: Ask HN: How to Speak Confidently?

#60

Post by spicymaki »

pwillia7 wrote: post #49

Lots of good advice in the thread -- I'll take a different angle on it. There is and should be a difference in the way you communicate with your family and friends and coworkers, however, I think basically all people draw that line too absolutely and try to create a 'professional' persona they use at work. The most effective you are in conversation is how you speak to your friends and family. Consciously breaking dow…

This is good advice. I am a member of a Toastmasters group and I remember doing a table topics speech where we needed to pretend that we were an inanimate object and then convey our experience to the audience. I remember feeling really confident and comfortable, because I was not pretending to be a 'good professional communicator' but being more empathetic.
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