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Ask HN: How to build empathy?

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Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#43

Post by koolba »

_y5hn wrote: post #34

Avoid immature unempathic communications and behaviours: "Lots of trash answers. All of them in fact!" Instead: 1) The Golden Rule: Treat others as you'd yourself want to be treated. This is an ever-evolving loop of growth and learning throughout your life. You are never finished! 2) In job, service, family, nearly everywhere, people respond better to you when your behaviour and communications reflect the same shared…

> The Golden Rule: Treat others as you'd yourself want to be treated. This is an ever-evolving loop of growth and learning throughout your life. You are never finished!

I prefer the silver rule: Do not treat others in ways you do not want to be treated

Though neither really involves empathy as they’re based on your own feelings of a situation.

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#44

Post by johnsmith4739 »

(disclaimer?) I teach empathy, and maybe this helps:

1 - most people did not get what is called an "emotional education." What are emotions and how they guide our behaviour? What are habits and how they differ from intentional activities? What motivates human behaviour? What are biases and how they actually help us 98% of the time, etc.

2 - most people are exposed to pseudoscience and outright wrong information - jungian personality types, maslow's pyramid of needs, win-win negotiations, and so many other models only generate confusion and unproductive biases

And to work toward a solution:

1 - read up on psychology, there are many 101s good enough to get you a head start

2 - read on subjects as "active listening," jobs-to-be-done, non-violent communication, and "FBI behavioural change stairway"

And find a practice-buddy. I work pro-bono with a couple of fellow startup founders exactly on this skill, because our day-to-day work forces us most of the time in a problem-solution mentality. It is so much more precious to get and offer understanding, the non-judgemental type, and acceptance, without any intention of change.

Let me know if I can be of service here

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#45

Post by mponw »

laurent92 wrote: post #16
mponw wrote: post #8

First, make sure this is really what you want and need. It helps to be a Jungian personality type that has a strong focus on the feeling cognitive function, i.e. Fi/Fe. If that's not you, then empathy/sympathy will probably not come natural to you. Also, I have personally found that a very refined culture of giving and receiving empathy is found in the Non-Violent Communication (NVC) "universe" created by Marshall Ro…

A lot of people implement NVC wrong and it becomes a codeword to divert the results of the discussion to /dev/null. “I’d like that we solve X” => “So I hear X makes you feel really bad, right?” => “Yes exactly, what can we do about it” => “Can you tell me more about X?” and so on. In fact, I have not seen people who talk about NVC and are able to listen to my request (well listen they do, but “act upon” they don’t).…

Well, thank you for you honesty and openness. (How does that sound to ears that are averse to classical NVC?)

Kelly Bryson ("Don't be nice, be real") mentioned how he experienced Marshall Rosenberg being quite torn about teaching people to be overly empathic as a habit. Kelly recommends radical honesty as an antidote to that.

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#46

Post by twy30 »

> How did you develop your listening skill?

By being rational -- the following method works well for me. YMMV.

I reframe this problem as: Always assume the other person's limbic system has been activated; what will it take to calm their limbic system?

I do not have the exact source handy, but IIRC it can take any time from 15 minutes to 4 hours. From experience, I concluded that the only rational moves during that time are:

* Listening (the feeling of company and support)

* Pleasant sensory stimulations, for example:

- Scent: hot tea, fresh fruit

- Touch (only when appropriate): pat on the shoulder/arm, hand-holding, hugs

In contrary, during that time, any move that requires the other person's prefrontal cortex functions (planning, decision-making, abstract thinking, etc.) is almost always a wasted effort. (So don't make this type of irrational moves.)

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#47

Post by indigo945 »

herodotus wrote: post #2

Here is one tip: when someone tells you something, even it is a problem they are having, they don't want you propose a solution. What they want is to heard. If they really want you to suggest a solution to their problem, they will ask you directly: "Can you suggest what I should do about this?" Example: "My manager really demands too much of me!" Good: "I am sorry to hear that." Bad: "Why don't you arrange a 1 on 1 a…

This is definitely an important thing that more people, especially tech people, should keep in mind. However, this doesn't really apply in all situations, and I actually disagree about the example which you give.

When someone shares a problem with you, you may want to ask yourself two questions to evaluate whether you should give advice: 1. Can you suggest any action that the other person wouldn't already have taken if it were feasible? This isn't necessarily limited to you being a subject matter expert, it also includes situations where personal or interpersonal factors are at play: for example, when the person you're talking to is very shy or reluctant to formulate clear demands, empowering them to talk to their manager can be very beneficial. On the other hand, if they already are a person who feels very comfortable with meetings and social situations, they will likely already have considered the option and decided that it won't help, so you're adding nothing useful. 2. Is the problem at hand highly emotional, or is there something else suggesting that solving it right now is crass? For example, if your coworker told you that the family dog died, she's probably not looking for advice on funeral arrangements.

So, what it comes down to in the end is considering the context. Some people might be very happy to receive advice, and might be very thankful in the long run if you encourage them to talk to their manager about a career step they have been meaning to take. Even then, of course, compassion is never misplaced, and people will always be thankful if you show understanding for how the problem troubles them emotionally as well. If you want to encourage a shy person to have a conversation, you shouldn't pressure them. And so on.

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#48

Post by mjwhansen »

timthorn wrote: post #37
mjwhansen wrote: post #30

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What you're hitting on is the difference between sympathy and empathy. Both have a role in helping people. "I'm sorry to hear that" = sympathy "It sounds like you're exhausted by that." = empathy Notice the noun in those sentences: first one is you, second one is them. What matters is what we say after those, too. There's a big difference between, "It sounds like you're exhausted that. [Solution proposal]" and "It so…

Careful though - "It sounds like you're exhausted by that" can also come off as sounding quite patronising.

Absolutely - tone of voice matters a lot.

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#49

Post by _dps »

johnsmith4739 wrote: post #44

(disclaimer?) I teach empathy, and maybe this helps: 1 - most people did not get what is called an "emotional education." What are emotions and how they guide our behaviour? What are habits and how they differ from intentional activities? What motivates human behaviour? What are biases and how they actually help us 98% of the time, etc. 2 - most people are exposed to pseudoscience and outright wrong information - jun…

I'd be interested in reading suggestions for criticism of Maslow or "win win".

The few criticisms I've found of Maslow seem to be that it's not 100% universal across individuals and cultures. This is true, but I think not much of a criticism of a model that's meant to be a rough guideline to a very complex topic. If Maslow is only 80% valid across all of humanity I think that's a pretty decent model, but if there are deeper criticisms I'd be interested to learn.

Similarly I'm not aware of any criticism of the concept of "win win" which, in my understanding, is just a definition of certain kinds of mutually beneficial situations. So I don't even have a frame for how it could be wrong :) Any reading advice on this subject would also be appreciated.

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