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Ask HN: How to build empathy?

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Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#21

Post by mjwhansen »

It says a lot about you that you recognize that this is a skill that you need to work on and is worth working on.

It is completely normal that you see yourself being sympathetic by creating solutions, when people are asking you for empathy.

I'm writing a book aimed at developers on building empathy and applying it to business, called Deploying Empathy [1]. I'm writing it in public as a newsletter. I'm detailing specific actions you can take in conversations and customer interviews to build empathy.

One of the things about listening to people is that the more you do it, the more empathetic you become as a person. It takes practice, but I promise you will get there.

One of my own favorite books on this is Practical Empathy by Indi Young.

Self-empathy is also an important step, and if you find you don't have the tools to show empathy in conversations, there's a good chance this is a skill you weren't taught growing up. For that, therapy is invaluable.

[1] https://www.getrevue.co/profile/mjwhansen

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#23

Post by devinegan »

By learning about EQ. I recommend picking up the book “Emotional Intelligence 2.0,” taking the assessment, read it, and focus on areas you can improve. Then revisit and practice the tips over the next 3 months (their timeline) and reassess. It is ongoing after that but it is a good starting point with actionable tips.

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#24

Post by mjwhansen »

jack_pp wrote: post #7
herodotus wrote: post #2

Here is one tip: when someone tells you something, even it is a problem they are having, they don't want you propose a solution. What they want is to heard. If they really want you to suggest a solution to their problem, they will ask you directly: "Can you suggest what I should do about this?" Example: "My manager really demands too much of me!" Good: "I am sorry to hear that." Bad: "Why don't you arrange a 1 on 1 a…

Would ” That sucks, have you tried doing something about it?” be good? As in, use the socratic method to help them come up with a solution.

"That sucks" may be intended as empathetic, but usually comes off as callous.

You might try the combination of [name the feeling] + [broad question], like:

"That sounds frustrating. What have you tried to solve that?"

or ismply stating the feeling and letting them move towards solution ideas after their feeling has been established, like:

"It sounds like this is taking a lot of energy from you."

(wait, let them reply)

"Can you tell me what you're working through to try to fix this?"

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#25

Post by Ariez »

thestepafter wrote: post #12
jack_pp wrote: post #7

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Would ” That sucks, have you tried doing something about it?” be good? As in, use the socratic method to help them come up with a solution.

I am learning empathy myself and I think this would imply that they are being lazy and could come across as condescending. “That’s too bad, if I had that problem I would do something about it.”

I was just thinking about this I think you're right. Such small differences in phrasing can have a big difference.

I think a great response would be "That sucks, do you THINK if you spoke to them something would change?" Rather than "have you tried to speak to them?"

The first is a question, that will prompt them to think and then maybe act. The second is a question that is a little accusatory (you should have already spoken to them about it)

Conversation is hard!

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#26

Post by break_the_bank »

herodotus wrote: post #2

Here is one tip: when someone tells you something, even it is a problem they are having, they don't want you propose a solution. What they want is to heard. If they really want you to suggest a solution to their problem, they will ask you directly: "Can you suggest what I should do about this?" Example: "My manager really demands too much of me!" Good: "I am sorry to hear that." Bad: "Why don't you arrange a 1 on 1 a…

That is good advice though saying "I am sorry to hear that", seems a little shallow.

I think I solutionize cause I care or maybe I just like problem solving. Though coming up with an answer instantly belittles their problem.

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#27

Post by hirundo »

Apply your existing analysis skills. Build a mental model of a person as you would with a device. Your growing understanding of a device is a kind of empathy, enabling you to live with it in greater harmony. We organic devices are just more of the same. Given the low computational threshold for the emergence of complex behavior, heuristics are frequently conserved between software and wetware. Many people will respond positively to the same degree of attention and care you give to your code editor configuration.

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#28

Post by unixhero »

gregd wrote: post #11
gregd wrote: post #9

I've gotten in the habit of asking if they want someone to just listen or if they want help finding solutions. More often than not, people just want to know they've been heard. As for building empathy, this is a tough question and I'm not really sure how to answer it. What makes you think you aren't empathetic already, outside of some rando internet test for empathy? I'm not sure I'd put a lot of stock in that kind o…

Another thing that may help you in the long run and I can't recommend this enough, is a book called, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.

I just bought it:)

I am going to also drop this here, which is how I came into contact with the book.

https://youtu.be/LZT7tv1qDqU

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#29

Post by peterthehacker »

Depending on your personal situation you might want to seek professional help. But here are some ideas to get you started:

Practice making eye contact especially when someone is opening up about their feelings. Then say things that show you know how they feel. Human brains can mirror feelings, like pain, from another humans [0]. So, to empathize with someone you need to get on their level emotionally and really feel how they are feeling.

[0] https://www.ted.com/talks/vilayanur_ramachandran_the_neurons...

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#30

Post by mjwhansen »

break_the_bank wrote: post #26
herodotus wrote: post #2

Here is one tip: when someone tells you something, even it is a problem they are having, they don't want you propose a solution. What they want is to heard. If they really want you to suggest a solution to their problem, they will ask you directly: "Can you suggest what I should do about this?" Example: "My manager really demands too much of me!" Good: "I am sorry to hear that." Bad: "Why don't you arrange a 1 on 1 a…

That is good advice though saying "I am sorry to hear that", seems a little shallow. I think I solutionize cause I care or maybe I just like problem solving. Though coming up with an answer instantly belittles their problem.

What you're hitting on is the difference between sympathy and empathy. Both have a role in helping people.

"I'm sorry to hear that" = sympathy

"It sounds like you're exhausted by that." = empathy

Notice the noun in those sentences: first one is you, second one is them.

What matters is what we say after those, too. There's a big difference between, "It sounds like you're exhausted that. [Solution proposal]" and "It sounds like you're exhausted by that. [Pause, wait for them to expound]"

Proposing solutions can have a role, and is a form of caring. But only if we get permission for it first, and do so in a rubber-duck way (ex "what have you already tried to fix that?")

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