I've gotten in the habit of asking if they want someone to just listen or if they want help finding solutions. More often than not, people just want to know they've been heard. As for building empathy, this is a tough question and I'm not really sure how to answer it. What makes you think you aren't empathetic already, outside of some rando internet test for empathy? I'm not sure I'd put a lot of stock in that kind o…
Ask HN: How to build empathy?
11–20 of 174 posts
Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?
#12Here is one tip: when someone tells you something, even it is a problem they are having, they don't want you propose a solution. What they want is to heard. If they really want you to suggest a solution to their problem, they will ask you directly: "Can you suggest what I should do about this?" Example: "My manager really demands too much of me!" Good: "I am sorry to hear that." Bad: "Why don't you arrange a 1 on 1 a…
Would ” That sucks, have you tried doing something about it?” be good? As in, use the socratic method to help them come up with a solution.
Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?
#13That's what I did and it changed my perspective permanently. Before becoming an engineer I studied theology, which is actually a pretty technical discipline that requires insane amounts of reading (i.e. not people oriented). Afterwards, I took a counseling degree. Digging into people's lives, their struggles, and watching my professors help people really opened my eyes. It helped me see where I was being rigid and taught me some amazing listening skills.
Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?
#14A key part is understanding who the person is. What experiences they've had. Truly what their life is. Some of this you can extrapolate from where they were born, how they were raised, their heritage, race, sex, gender, sexual orientation, etc. None of these defines an individual though, so you really have to navigate each person and truly want to learn what makes them tick.
Once you learn a person's wants and needs, then you can start to reflect that off of your own experiences and start to live in someone else's shoes.
Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?
#15Here is one tip: when someone tells you something, even it is a problem they are having, they don't want you propose a solution. What they want is to heard. If they really want you to suggest a solution to their problem, they will ask you directly: "Can you suggest what I should do about this?" Example: "My manager really demands too much of me!" Good: "I am sorry to hear that." Bad: "Why don't you arrange a 1 on 1 a…
Plus, friends don't always know exactly how they can help. Airing laments can collect solutions without having to catalog each others' resources and limitations or trespassing on power structures, like in a workplace.
Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?
#16First, make sure this is really what you want and need. It helps to be a Jungian personality type that has a strong focus on the feeling cognitive function, i.e. Fi/Fe. If that's not you, then empathy/sympathy will probably not come natural to you. Also, I have personally found that a very refined culture of giving and receiving empathy is found in the Non-Violent Communication (NVC) "universe" created by Marshall Ro…
To counter that, I use another strategy: Threat. I say “If you keep rephrasing like this, I will pour acid on the roots of a tree until it dies.” And they know I am capable of it.
At least it has the effect of snapping the person into stopping his NVC and actually telling me he/she has no intent on solving the issue which, as an Asperger, is much easier to deal with, because I can quit, deal with it another way - at least the cards are on the table. I can’t stand social games, and NVC became so misused by polite-agressive people that it became a social game.
I feel sorry for the people who invented NVC, it’s certainly not what they built it for.
Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?
#17Here is one tip: when someone tells you something, even it is a problem they are having, they don't want you propose a solution. What they want is to heard. If they really want you to suggest a solution to their problem, they will ask you directly: "Can you suggest what I should do about this?" Example: "My manager really demands too much of me!" Good: "I am sorry to hear that." Bad: "Why don't you arrange a 1 on 1 a…
Would ” That sucks, have you tried doing something about it?” be good? As in, use the socratic method to help them come up with a solution.
Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?
#18Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?
#19Getting yourself in someone's head is something you should return to casually, formally in various contexts and subtexts.
I like to use this one: "What part of their day is this?", which feels more relevant since I work across timezones now.