Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#1

Post by break_the_bank » Sat, Mar 20, 2021, 3:32 PM UTC

As an engineer I run cycles of listening, paraphrasing and then solutionizing almost every day. This doesn't translate well in friendships & relationships where the other person just wants someone to listen. At the same time I rate lowly on empathy scoring tests on the internet. Other technical folks here who might have gone through this,

1. How did you develop your listening skill?

2. How to be more empathetic?

Update: Some more questions

1. What common failure modes do you hit in your relationships as a low empathy person?

2. How do you avoid them?

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#2

Post by herodotus » Sat, Mar 20, 2021, 3:42 PM UTC

Here is one tip: when someone tells you something, even it is a problem they are having, they don't want you propose a solution. What they want is to heard. If they really want you to suggest a solution to their problem, they will ask you directly: "Can you suggest what I should do about this?"

Example: "My manager really demands too much of me!" Good: "I am sorry to hear that." Bad: "Why don't you arrange a 1 on 1 and tell him that his demands are decreasing your productivity, which is obviously against his interests".

Only offer the second comment if you are asked directly!

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#3

Post by softwaredoug » Sat, Mar 20, 2021, 3:50 PM UTC

Work on understanding your own emotions and you’ll be better at empathy. Two things that help me a lot are journaling my feelings and meditating.

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#4

Post by vbsteven » Sat, Mar 20, 2021, 3:51 PM UTC

I can’t give you actionable advice since I’m struggling with this (and a recent autism diagnosis) myself. But it might be interesting to research the empathising/systemising theory.

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#5

Post by tubularhells » Sat, Mar 20, 2021, 3:53 PM UTC

I struggled with this my whole life, until a diagnosis of autistic personality at the age of 34. Therapy helps you understand people because you can ask the therapist for the behaviours people expect from others. It's called masking.

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#6

Post by casi » Sat, Mar 20, 2021, 3:53 PM UTC

herodotus wrote: post #2

Here is one tip: when someone tells you something, even it is a problem they are having, they don't want you propose a solution. What they want is to heard. If they really want you to suggest a solution to their problem, they will ask you directly: "Can you suggest what I should do about this?" Example: "My manager really demands too much of me!" Good: "I am sorry to hear that." Bad: "Why don't you arrange a 1 on 1 a…

Similar I read a line a year or so ago (can’t remember where) that really stuck with me:

All anyone ever really says is “I love you” or “help me”.

I try remember this whenever I am frustrated with what someone is saying to me. You can’t always help them, and sometimes it’s hard to love them, but you can reframe where they are coming at as being from them not about you, and with that resist arguing and feeling insulted or threatened.

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#7

Post by jack_pp » Sat, Mar 20, 2021, 3:56 PM UTC

herodotus wrote: post #2

Here is one tip: when someone tells you something, even it is a problem they are having, they don't want you propose a solution. What they want is to heard. If they really want you to suggest a solution to their problem, they will ask you directly: "Can you suggest what I should do about this?" Example: "My manager really demands too much of me!" Good: "I am sorry to hear that." Bad: "Why don't you arrange a 1 on 1 a…

Would ” That sucks, have you tried doing something about it?” be good? As in, use the socratic method to help them come up with a solution.

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#8

Post by mponw » Sat, Mar 20, 2021, 4:01 PM UTC

First, make sure this is really what you want and need.

It helps to be a Jungian personality type that has a strong focus on the feeling cognitive function, i.e. Fi/Fe. If that's not you, then empathy/sympathy will probably not come natural to you.

Also, I have personally found that a very refined culture of giving and receiving empathy is found in the Non-Violent Communication (NVC) "universe" created by Marshall Rosenberg.

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#9

Post by gregd » Sat, Mar 20, 2021, 4:02 PM UTC

I've gotten in the habit of asking if they want someone to just listen or if they want help finding solutions.

More often than not, people just want to know they've been heard.

As for building empathy, this is a tough question and I'm not really sure how to answer it. What makes you think you aren't empathetic already, outside of some rando internet test for empathy? I'm not sure I'd put a lot of stock in that kind of testing. Are you getting this type of feedback from loved ones?

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#10

Post by jugjug » Sat, Mar 20, 2021, 4:04 PM UTC

I use two complementing strategies:

- Developing empathy towards myself first, that is, being able to observe feelings that arise within me and then being able to accept these feelings as they are. I have found this to be very relieving. A technique that helped me was meditation; training the mind like a muscle to be able to observe & recognize feelings.

- Turning this outwards to others, the works of Marshall Rosenberg on the NonViolent Communiction (NVC) [1] had a profound impact on my perception of feelings of others. I'm trying to follow the essence of the book, rather than copying the phrases outlined there. I'm seeing more and more that NVC can be applied to business as well as personal relationships [2]

Applying these to your example, it might be interesting to explore what do you _feel_ when the other person just wants you to listen. What is it that you _need_ out of the relationship and what is it that the _other_ side needs [3]?

[1]: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/71730.Nonviolent_Communi...

[2]: https://marcel.is/contractor-didnt-deliver/

[3]: https://marcel.is/conflict-resolution/