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Why is the deathbed perspective considered so valuable?

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Re: Why is the deathbed perspective considered so valuable?

#51

Post by nineplay »

coldtea wrote: post #4

For a: - "I should have done X" (regret because X wasn't followed) there are probably as many: - "I should not have done X" (regret because X was followed and made things shit) Even the "should not have worked as hard" would be most likely balanced with others saying: "should not have been as slack or loose at work, and did something important, made some legacy" In the end, nothing really matters, and the perspective…

The "I should not have worked as hard" deathbed quote has always bugged me. There are plenty of people who think they could have been more or done more. It's not a perfect example, but there are plenty of "Walter White"s who taught high-school science and think they were capable of so much more.

I find it is happening among some women I know who chose to stay at home and now, as the kids are getting older, are thinking about what they could have been. It's a harder choice than people realize.

I had a friend who said her tombstone would read "She had potential".

Re: Why is the deathbed perspective considered so valuable?

#52

Post by throwaway98797 »

This is one of the flaws with Bezos regret minimization framework. Optimizing for a point in time perspective seems like the wrong function for most people.

Life is risk. You make a choice. When I was sick and alone and had some risk of dying due to my circumstances I felt lonely, but that moment does not define my global preferences.

It does not mean that I need / should construct my life that when I’m at risk for death I should have people around me. The question is, what will that cost the rest my life in terms of quality of life.

This is painful obvious if you think about it and yet...here we are.

Re: Why is the deathbed perspective considered so valuable?

#54

Post by internetslave »

magicalhippo wrote: post #20
optimalsolver wrote: post #5

It shouldn't be overlooked that we tend to romanticize the dying process, probably for our own mental health. Your last words likely won't be wise, witty, or even coherent. A good account from a medical professional on what the end stage of life actually looks like can be found here: https://slatestarcodex.com/2013/07/17/who-by-very-slow-decay... I was particularly struck by the following comment from one of the read…

> Your last words likely won't be wise, witty, or even coherent. I don't remember the last words my dad said before he passed. We had some irrelevant chitchat about my daily life, and I got him something to drink or similar. But as I left that evening and we said good night, he reached out and we shook hands, something we almost never did. And in that moment, the few seconds as we shook hands in silence and just look…

Thanks for sharing

Re: Why is the deathbed perspective considered so valuable?

#56

Post by codyb »

jolux wrote: post #40
nullserver wrote: post #37

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Some people lie like they breathe, it’s automatic, and doesn’t have any meaning. It’s not meant to be malicious.

Does the intent really matter?

Of course the intent matters. There’s quite a difference between a mother in a warzone holding their kid and saying “it’s going to be alright” to assuage their fears and Bernie Madoff saying he was going to invest people’s money judiciously.

Re: Why is the deathbed perspective considered so valuable?

#57

Post by bachmeier »

wtetzner wrote: post #41
JoeAltmaier wrote: post #25

Earlier quoted context omitted.

People lie. On their deathbeds with the sense of impending finality they will do their damndest to come up with anything at all to feel better. Lie to God (I'll convert! I'll be a better person!), lie to their spouse (I was always faithful, and always loved you!), lie to themselves (It's not that bad! I'll live.) Pack any situation with emotion and adrenaline, you'll get world-class mental gymnastics. Look at the exc…

I don't think getting someone's perspective when they're actually on their deathbed is particularly interesting. The point of the deathbed perspective is that imagining you're looking back on your life from your deathbed can help you figure out what you find important now . It's trying to get a different perspective on your future, looking at it from another angle.

I agree that this is the goal. The problem is that the more I think about being on my deathbed (or death, or read obituaries, etc.) the more I realize I won't care how I spent my life. All of which tells me that how I spend my time today is irrelevant. A long run perspective most definitely does not tell you what really matters to you.

Re: Why is the deathbed perspective considered so valuable?

#58

Post by wtetzner »

bachmeier wrote: post #57
wtetzner wrote: post #41

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't think getting someone's perspective when they're actually on their deathbed is particularly interesting. The point of the deathbed perspective is that imagining you're looking back on your life from your deathbed can help you figure out what you find important now . It's trying to get a different perspective on your future, looking at it from another angle.

I agree that this is the goal. The problem is that the more I think about being on my deathbed (or death, or read obituaries, etc.) the more I realize I won't care how I spent my life. All of which tells me that how I spend my time today is irrelevant. A long run perspective most definitely does not tell you what really matters to you.

Yeah, I think deathbed is the part of the issue because it distracts from the goal. Maybe a better exercise might be "Imagine yourself in the (distant?) future, while you're still healthy. What would you want that life to look like?".

Re: Why is the deathbed perspective considered so valuable?

#59

Post by [deleted] »

bachmeier wrote: post #57
wtetzner wrote: post #41

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't think getting someone's perspective when they're actually on their deathbed is particularly interesting. The point of the deathbed perspective is that imagining you're looking back on your life from your deathbed can help you figure out what you find important now . It's trying to get a different perspective on your future, looking at it from another angle.

I agree that this is the goal. The problem is that the more I think about being on my deathbed (or death, or read obituaries, etc.) the more I realize I won't care how I spent my life. All of which tells me that how I spend my time today is irrelevant. A long run perspective most definitely does not tell you what really matters to you.

[deleted]

Re: Why is the deathbed perspective considered so valuable?

#60

Post by jacquesc »

nullserver wrote: post #36

Got to deathbed (series of strokes) etc. Then had the poor grace to get better, sort of. Made sure to say what I wanted to kids, (best I could). Reached out to ones that I wanted to. The experience definitely changes perspective. Spending time with loved ones is far more important. Work is far less, except when I need a break from loved ones. I really stopped giving any sort of sh*t what anyone thought. So I’m much l…

This perspective actually seems so much more interesting. Deathbed survivors.
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