Mental illnesses are communicable.
Think about establishing emotional boundaries with your parents, just as you would set up physical ones if they had a bacterial disease.
Failed entrepreneur, broke, unemployed, now taking care of aging parents. Help.
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Re: Failed entrepreneur, broke, unemployed, now taking care of aging parents. Help.
#102Okay, there's a lot of things going on here, but most of them are (gradually) improvable. But it would be difficult to improve until you own responsibility for all of it. Your post has a lot of "XYZ bad thing is happening because of ZYX external thing." Well, you don't have much control over ZYX external thing. So, the first recommendation I have for you is to stop making that link . Instead of "XYZ bad thing is happ…
Along the same lines, mental health professionals usually draw a hard line between thoughts & feelings. Specifically, thought X cause feeling Y. Part of solving feeling Y is to correct thought X (which could be a "twisted thought" [1], I've been guilty of all of them), and it's amazing how you can change your feeling if you change your thought. I've been a solo entrepreneur and it's been very difficult to handle my own emotions, and these are hacks I've found to work.
I would also highly recommend seeing a counselor/therapist (there are sliding-scale prices), they are of tremendous value, but if you're broke like I am, I highly recommend The Feeling Good Handbook by David D. Burns [2]. I can't say enough good things about it; it has helped me tremendously when I've felt stuck and helpless.
If you're very hard on yourself, very goal-oriented and driven, and you're beating yourself up - well, I'm like that too and I've learned from reading that book that it is a vicious cycle that you need to break. There's a whole chapter to procrastination (I know you didn't say procrastination), but it applies to the general feeling of being "stuck" and therefore being really stuck, and it talks about the root causes that you can change. When I read the book, it was a dead on diagnosis for me and I thought the author wrote the book for me!
I sincerely wish you all the best.
Re: Failed entrepreneur, broke, unemployed, now taking care of aging parents. Help.
#103Here's what you need to do. 1 - Practice humility and drop the attitude. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. 2 - Come up with a plan to have a net worth of $0 in 18-36 months -- owe nobody anything. If that is impossible to conceive of, make sure that you are exploring all avenues -- including bankruptcy. 3 - Get off the couch. Establish social connections. Go to church. Volunteer somewhere. Join a book club. Work in a…
I know you mean well, but I have to disagree with your approach. Telling him to "stop" and "drop the attitude" is like telling an drug addict to "stop being such an addict".
It does not work.
It is a form of a "should statement" (a cognitive distortion) http://daphne.palomar.edu/jtagg/should.htm
In my comment above I listed a book to combat this.
Re: Failed entrepreneur, broke, unemployed, now taking care of aging parents. Help.
#104Sounds like it's time to start from 0. Location: You need to move far enough away from your parents that you don't struggle with their every decision, but close enough to react to an emergency. Parents: Do NOT attempt to rule their lives. They don't want it and you won't convince them. They have to figure it out for themselves. Job: You need to settle down and find a 9-5 job. You have nothing with which to start anot…
The upside of starting from rock bottom is there is only one way to go. UP!
Re: Failed entrepreneur, broke, unemployed, now taking care of aging parents. Help.
#105Fix number 4 first.
All the rest of the things will follow naturally when you find someone to bounce ideas off, challenge you mentally and help you feel good about yourself.
Re: Failed entrepreneur, broke, unemployed, now taking care of aging parents. Help.
#106Fuck the guilt. Be "the one who abandoned them". Get the hell out of there. You don't owe them squat.
It would be one thing if they appreciated your efforts and you enjoyed their company. It's not so bad to care for someone if they give you a little back, if they understand what you're giving up for them, if they show you some gratitude, even just a smile and a quiet "thanks" when you help them across the room or whatever. But if they're "constantly and consistently negative about every situation" -- understand that every time they're like that, they're making a choice to be that way. It may be a habitual choice for them at this point, maybe it doesn't even occur to them anymore to choose anything different, but it's still a choice that they're making and they're responsible for. And if the consequence of that choice is that you don't get any reward, not even the faintest warm feeling, from helping them, then I think you shouldn't feel bad about leaving.
And they have no friends?? This speaks volumes about what kind of people they are. Once again this is their choice -- you didn't make them that way!
How to extract yourself? Tell them that you're not cut out to be a caretaker, and you need to live in a different place with a different kind of economy. They won't understand, or even if they do they won't admit it, it sounds like, but never mind that. It's a good enough reason and they'll have to accept it.
It also sounds like you've done a lot of the needed planning already, so your continued personal presence is not necessarily so important. If you move somewhere where you can find the kind of work you are cut out for, then maybe you can pay for someone to spend a few hours a day with them.
Re: Failed entrepreneur, broke, unemployed, now taking care of aging parents. Help.
#107I can sympathize to your frustration. I went through a bout of similar frustration albeit for what you may consider a much more positive situation. I finally came up with my idea for a startup around the same time I started a family and the recession hit.
After the birth of my 2nd child in 3 years, I was extremely frustrated because I really wanted to work on my project but my family responsibilities didn't give me enough time.
What I finally concluded was I didn't want to be frustrated and I had to prioritize. So I prioritized my family, stopped working on a startup and focused on my idea being a project. Since then I've put maybe 2-3 hours a week into my site, unscatter.com. It's coming along extremely slowly, but I've also been able to focus on more fun parts of the development that I wouldn't have prioritized in the past. Along way, I've come to conclusion that I really like programming, something I gave up on as doing professionally years ago when I went the sysadmin route.
More importantly, I've had a ton of fun with my family. My 3 year old girl beat me 2 times in a row in Candy Land tonight and now I just finished reading Hop On Pop for probably the hundredth before putting her to bed. Looking back, I've made the right choice. We're still stuck in a townhouse that we're upside down in and is smaller than we'd like. We're still on the east coast when my wife is chomping at the bit to move back the West Coast so she can get our girls more associated with her culture (she's Native American, her tribe is Haida Gwaii which is a Canadian west coast tribe). However, we're spending the time with our girls and it shows in their behavior and attitude we're doing the right thing. Forget a startup, I'm helping build the foundation for 2 lives and while money would help it's become obvious that my time really is the better investment.
So, how does this equate to your situation? Heck you posted this 7 hours ago so I don't even know if you'll ever read this. But here's my impression based on your post above.
You moved back with your family to help take care of your parents who are in their 70's. You'd move, but you'd feel guilty. Look, you've already made the same choice I did, you've decided to put your family first. Obviously you love your parents, are you'd already be gone. So, love them. Cherish all the time you can have with them because you will miss them when they're gone. Forget professional momentum, you can get back on that track later. Or, try to see how you can keep that momentum going now. You can do a startup anywhere, just maybe you need to scale it down a notch.
I saw below in the comments your a business guy. Awesome, start a business. Do your own coffee shop. Find something that interests you that you can build a business in within that area. If you have the skills, then you'll accomplish it. If you lack the skills but really have the drive, you'll learn the skills and accomplish it. Failures are learning experiences. First you just need to believe in yourself.
Re: Failed entrepreneur, broke, unemployed, now taking care of aging parents. Help.
#108Earlier quoted context omitted.
Important edit: I recommend buying books if you can afford it. Many reasons for this. One, it's fun to receive packages in the mail. I get a rush every time I rip a package open. Two, it's good for the ego. It helps you keep perspective on how much you've been reading. Three, you can underline the books as you read them, this can be VERY helpful. Unfortunately I do not recommend loaning books to friends, you will nev…
Reading books can be a useful starting point, but by themselves they won't get you those skills. They're called skills for a reason: you have to practice them. I'll repeat the advice out of one of Peter Drucker's books: the only way to really improve in life is to feed back from actions to results. Try to do something. When you fail (and you probably will, the first time), take an honest look at your performance, and…
I am still working at finding the right process for absorbing information and integrating it into habit.
Re: Failed entrepreneur, broke, unemployed, now taking care of aging parents. Help.
#109mattman, I have been through something very similar. I'm a long time developer who has made great sacrifices to put my own plans on the back burner and move back to my hometown to care for my mother with Alzheimer's. It is the most important thing I've ever done. We are both doing exactly the right thing. You should be proud. A few thoughts... I have no idea who I am anymore professionally You are the same person you…
_Books for dealing with the emotional stress_
Also the following books helped me to get my mind straight about all this:
1. The Art of Happiness by HH Dalai Lama and Howard C Cutler 2. The New Earth - Eckhart Tolle
You'll realize that comparing your life the outward projection of other peoples lives is pointless and is mostly useless.
Also the most important thing that you'll realize is that suffering is in your mind. And is something you can control.
_Books on how to care for Alzheimers patients_
Some books I HIGHLY recommend to figure out how to care for your parents and for yourself:
1. Alzheimers - Early Stages by Daniel Kuhn 2. The 36 hour day by Rabins et al.
3. The Anti-Alzheimers Prescription by Vincent Fortanasce. (This is not really anti anything but goes through modalities that _could_ reduce alzheimers in the future.)
To get an idea of what an alzheimers parent is going through you could read: Alzheimers from the inside out by Richard Taylor.
_Dangerous Drugs_
Also the 2 drugs that might get prescribed and that you would want to watch out for because of abnormally high rates of deaths in the trails are: 1. Reminyl(Galantamine) 2. Donepezil 23mg dosage. (The 10mg dosage doesnt seem to have had any side effects for my dad in the last 2 years).
_Personal Situation_
My dad has Alzheimers too. Right now he seems to be able to live on his own. We handle all his taxes, medicines, doctors visits etc.
My dad's case is made worse by him living in a village in rural India. And he vehemently will not leave. Electricity is only present for about 19 hours a day and water only for 4 hours a day. This makes it much more interesting a problem. :) But he is a pretty amazing guy having gone from a village to an engineering degree and high ranking navy officer so he's a got fighting spirit which I think helps him.
(Interestingly theres wireless internet here for 24 hours a day!)
_Other Thoughts_
I absolutely agree with edw519 - you cant expect any help from anyone but you can ask. You'll be surprised by people who will be willing to help. You have to become part of the community you are in. You dont have to even tell them about your parents until you've known them for a while.
Also I think in the US there is a lot of support you can get from local organizations. The Alzheimer's Book number 1 recommendation above lists a lot of helpful resources that could be useful even if your parents dont have alzheimers.
_Practical Advice_
1. Create a strict regimen for your parents. Something they can do on their own. As edw519 says, use attendants, nurses, adult day care etc.
2. Make time for yourself. And use this time to start applying for remote jobs or take on simple work from sites like RentACoder etc.
_Bottom Line_
You arent missing out on ANYTHING. Every friend of yours will have to deal with aging parents at one point or another. Or worse they've already lost theirs. You are able to get some quality time with these people which I think you are lucky to be able to do.
I dont know at what stage your parents are but I aired out all my past grievances with my dad and its made our relationship that much more stronger. I admire him a little bit more now.
Dads situation has also brought my whole family closer.
_My Contact_
You can contact me at railsnoob at yahoo dot com if you like for whatever - just to vent (I always feel like venting after a few days iwth dad :) ... or talk about our experiences or anything.
Re: Failed entrepreneur, broke, unemployed, now taking care of aging parents. Help.
#110I'm going to be harsh. Please don't take it personally, my perspective is obviously limited.
I'd think 1.5 years of unemployment, being broke and a failed start-up would make you more humble. Yet everyone else seems to be the problem. Your parents don't understand, fellow business owners don't understand, no one understands your fabulous planning, no one has your passion, ...
Have you looked for work? Applied to jobs? Since you don't mention any of it, I get the sense that you wouldn't consider a minimum wage job at a restaurant or retail or something like that. Shame on you, man up, man has to feed his family.
Also, you should be nicer to your parents. Read point #3 again, and it almost sounds like you are describing yourself. Negative about everything? Not planning for the future? Refusing to accept change is needed? That's you!
This is what you do: You check your ego at the door, get a job, and take pride that you are helping your family out. While people are watching their TV (which you have contempt for, even though they've done more than you have in the last 1.5 years), you regain your passion and try again.
It's simple.