You are a very strong person - give yourself a huge amount of respect for having the courage to write this.
Reading this has brought back a whole lot of painful memories - I have been almost exactly where you are. Though exact circumstances were different, I know how it feels to be trapped between two unmovable forces.
When I was there, I started giving myself homework assignments. Basically, I turned self care into an entrepreneurial endeavour. For example, I literally forced myself to:
- start training for a marathon (Kanamekun gave you some amazing advice - physical exercise increases both dopamine and serotonin levels)
- start lifting weights three times a week (strength training is a great tool as you see small improvements constantly. For me, it was also a great opportunity to let out a lot of anger)
- keep a (private) journal and write a minimum of 500 words a day. Sometimes, my 500 words consisted of, "I hate my life and I want to die" repeated over and over again until I hit 500.
- start working on one small project that I always dreamed of doing but never had the time
Needless to say, I was in a really bad place and, if you want brutal honesty, I can say that I am a little surprised that I came out the other side. I found that these four pieces of homework built momentum and eventually I had enough momentum to get out of the pit.
Best of luck, I will be thinking about you, and if you need someone to talk to, just ask and I will put up some contact information.
You're strong and you're not alone.