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Ask HN: Best books on “friendship” and how to make/maintain friends?

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Re: Ask HN: Best books on “friendship” and how to make/maintain friends?

#11

Post by wallflower »

I’ve recently read “The Art of Showing Up”. TAOSU is useful for the first part of the book, as it explains concepts around friendship. For example, if a friend is going through a tough time ask “How can I best support you?” rather than making assumptions or giving advice.

The second part is more about specific situations like your friend is very ill or you have to decline being a bridesmaid. I recommend it as the concepts explanation might be helpful.

I’ve not yet read “Frientimacy”, and it seems to be a similar book.

https://www.amazon.com/Art-Showing-Up-Yourself-People/dp/161...

https://www.amazon.com/-/Shasta-Nelson/dp/1580056075

Re: Ask HN: Best books on “friendship” and how to make/maintain friends?

#12

Post by chrisbennet »

Not a book recommendation, sorry, but I do have some advice:

You make friends by being friendly - doing nice for others, even strangers, without expecting reciprocation. Some of these people will become friends.

You keep friends by contacting them at least once a year. I have a lot of my friend's birthdays in my phone calendar. I text them on their birthday and sometimes on Christmas. It's the little things like calling them when they're in the hospital. The current plague is depressing, text your friends a tell them you're thinking of them and bring their spirits up.

I have a vendor that I buy my hardware from. I bring them cookies now and then. (I make cookies and will eat the whole batch if I don't give some away. I thank them for "taking a cholesterol bullet for me".) I expected nothing from them but they are friends now.

If this sounds like a lot of work, be prepare to not have as many friends. And that's OK too.

Re: Ask HN: Best books on “friendship” and how to make/maintain friends?

#13

Post by simonebrunozzi »

chrisbennet wrote: post #12

Not a book recommendation, sorry, but I do have some advice: You make friends by being friendly - doing nice for others, even strangers, without expecting reciprocation . Some of these people will become friends. You keep friends by contacting them at least once a year. I have a lot of my friend's birthdays in my phone calendar. I text them on their birthday and sometimes on Christmas. It's the little things like cal…

Thanks, this is really good advice - thankfully, it's not entirely novel to me :)

I don't mind that it's not a book recommendation, either. As long as it's useful in understanding how to make and maintain friends. Thanks for sharing it.

Re: Ask HN: Best books on “friendship” and how to make/maintain friends?

#14

Post by simonebrunozzi »

p0d wrote: post #8

I don't have a book suggestion but I am 49 and have been thinking deeply about friendship for some time. I think 'mutual' is a key word in friendship. I have worked hard over the years to maintain friendships and have discovered my efforts aren't always recipricated. Stop contacting certain friends and you will find very quickly that they don't get in touch. I have decided to spend much less time on friendships which…

Thanks for sharing this. In particular this line:

> When you are feeling sorry for yourself call someone less better off than yourself. I have an older, infirm friend and when I feel sorry for myself I often give him a call. This reminds my problems are just feelings, not real problems.

And no worries if it's not a book recommendation. Anything helps.

I'm 43 and I've also been thinking about friends and friendship deeply, for quite some time. Add the fact that at age 30 I left my home country (Italy) to travel the world, for work (Luxembourg, then Singapore, then San Francisco). Long distances make it harder to maintain your existing friendships. But perhaps people that didn't move much have experienced similar problems anyway.

Edit: forgot to add that this line here is also really insightful - and thankfully, it's not news for me:

> my best friend is my wife. Don't ever take your partner for granted if you have one. There are very few people in the world who will ever be actively interested in you.

Re: Ask HN: Best books on “friendship” and how to make/maintain friends?

#15

Post by simonebrunozzi »

llampx wrote: post #6
woo_neurons wrote: post #3

A great book: how to win friends and influence people: dale carnegie

When I read it I felt it was mostly useless outside of the work sphere. The subtext of it felt like "How to win friends and influence people as a new senior manager or owner of the company" - it dealt with cases where you come in with a lot of power and influence and have to get everyone on your side using your soft skills rather than a big stick.

I agree with you. I have read it, and I think it doesn't help much in terms of "friendship" in general; it is strongly focused on the work sphere.

Re: Ask HN: Best books on “friendship” and how to make/maintain friends?

#16

Post by p0d »

simonebrunozzi wrote: post #14
p0d wrote: post #8

I don't have a book suggestion but I am 49 and have been thinking deeply about friendship for some time. I think 'mutual' is a key word in friendship. I have worked hard over the years to maintain friendships and have discovered my efforts aren't always recipricated. Stop contacting certain friends and you will find very quickly that they don't get in touch. I have decided to spend much less time on friendships which…

Thanks for sharing this. In particular this line: > When you are feeling sorry for yourself call someone less better off than yourself. I have an older, infirm friend and when I feel sorry for myself I often give him a call. This reminds my problems are just feelings, not real problems. And no worries if it's not a book recommendation. Anything helps. I'm 43 and I've also been thinking about friends and friendship de…

No problem. I think you asked a good question as Covid brings many issues to the surface. In particular our relationships.

Re: Ask HN: Best books on “friendship” and how to make/maintain friends?

#17

Post by dave_sid »

p0d wrote: post #8

I don't have a book suggestion but I am 49 and have been thinking deeply about friendship for some time. I think 'mutual' is a key word in friendship. I have worked hard over the years to maintain friendships and have discovered my efforts aren't always recipricated. Stop contacting certain friends and you will find very quickly that they don't get in touch. I have decided to spend much less time on friendships which…

100% agree. At 42 I’ve come to realise it’s about quality and not quantity of friends. Also, maybe making friends gradually via a common interest is better than trying to force it.

Re: Ask HN: Best books on “friendship” and how to make/maintain friends?

#19

Post by oumua_don17 »

p0d wrote: post #8

I don't have a book suggestion but I am 49 and have been thinking deeply about friendship for some time. I think 'mutual' is a key word in friendship. I have worked hard over the years to maintain friendships and have discovered my efforts aren't always recipricated. Stop contacting certain friends and you will find very quickly that they don't get in touch. I have decided to spend much less time on friendships which…

>> Finally, my best friend is my wife

It’s often suggested by old timers to marry your best friend.

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