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The unsettling truth about the ‘Mostly Harmless’ hiker

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191–200 of 218 posts

Re: The unsettling truth about the ‘Mostly Harmless’ hiker

#191

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Just a thought, but what if you set a daily time limit of being fully engaged and present with your wife, say for an hour or two, but then it is understood that you need ~3 hrs of alone time. Sounds like you’re an introvert and need time to recharge from managing a team and you’re burnt out from that. I think she’d be delighted with an hour a day of full presence, perhaps more on the weekend.

This is a good suggestion and something I am going to attempt to negotiate. I think part of the problem is something a person called out below -- we are fundamentally different. She does not need the same amount of time alone and may resent me for wanting that. But something to try.

If she resents you for something that is your nature, that’s (as you know) unsustainable. Resentments like that may need to be dealt with with the help of a neutral therapist.

Re: The unsettling truth about the ‘Mostly Harmless’ hiker

#192

Earlier quoted context omitted.

How strange, just created an account to say that I am the same way and was thinking about this a lot last night. (Although, I don’t think I am emotionally abusive, as I feel my spouse demands things that are entirely unreasonable, like frequently asking me to leave work in the middle of the day to come help with something or buying a house and dog when we had less than $1,000 in our account). All I wanted my whole li…

There has been plenty of unreasonable stuff over the years. Early in our marriage she spent close to 1000$ at the mall which left us short of funds to pay her grad school tuition that I had been saving to pay for her. Till date she refuses to understand our financial picture and will be completely lost if I were to get hit by a bus tomorrow. Also, she has not worked for >90% of our ~10 year marriage to follow her pas…

This is extremely similar to my situation. When I finish my workday I often find myself just sitting with her and watching Netflix but if I get up and go to the other room to do something I'm interested in she'll get upset.

I think a lot of the issues come from the fact that I don't feel I "need" anything from her. It makes it hard to relate to her when she "needs" something from me. I actually think not needing anything from other people is the root of the issue. I'm very independent and always trying to be self-sufficient (stock piling money, etc) so that I don't need to rely on other people.

I think this independence is a fault as it keeps from from "being vulnerable" and opening up more which is what leads to deeper connections with other humans. I'm trying to work on it a bit and have found that when I genuinely open up to my wife it actually frees up more time for me. Rather than spending 3 hours watching netflix we can spend 30 minutes having a deep conversation and then her needs are met and I can go do my own thing. Trying to do this regularly is really difficult though.

Re: The unsettling truth about the ‘Mostly Harmless’ hiker

#193

Whenever I read a biography about some person I admire, I always end up disliking that person. Failed relationships and abandoned responsibilities are exceedingly common (especially among artists and people who are highly driven to success). I think that most of us have some “unsettling” details in our past. People are imperfect. The allegations of physical and mental abuse here are particularly bad, and I’m not tryi…

Well, the guy's dead. People should probably back off. An inability to change is almost a functional definition of death. If anything, those judging him could look in the mirror. Why the need to seek answers about someone? Why the need to judge whatever you find out? As someone who has only ever read a few comments on HN about this story - because I have no interest in this sort of thing - I'm judging society for how they handle this person. Harshly.

Edit-Why not check your egos and ids for once and let it go?

Re: The unsettling truth about the ‘Mostly Harmless’ hiker

#195

Earlier quoted context omitted.

How strange, just created an account to say that I am the same way and was thinking about this a lot last night. (Although, I don’t think I am emotionally abusive, as I feel my spouse demands things that are entirely unreasonable, like frequently asking me to leave work in the middle of the day to come help with something or buying a house and dog when we had less than $1,000 in our account). All I wanted my whole li…

There has been plenty of unreasonable stuff over the years. Early in our marriage she spent close to 1000$ at the mall which left us short of funds to pay her grad school tuition that I had been saving to pay for her. Till date she refuses to understand our financial picture and will be completely lost if I were to get hit by a bus tomorrow. Also, she has not worked for >90% of our ~10 year marriage to follow her pas…

> she has said that me being reluctant [...] is a form of emotional abuse

> her grad school tuition that I had been saving to pay for her

> she has not worked for >90% of our ~10 year marriage

My friend, you are not abusing your wife. She is abusing you. She is also gaslighting you into thinking you are the problem. You're not. And she is using your child to blackmail you emotionally.

> things she has anxiety about doing -- driving the car to new places, walking the dog when it is dark outside

This isn't anxiety, it's laziness. But if you're merely reluctant about the exact same things, she calls it "a form of emotional abuse." Brilliant.

Unfortunately, the way the law is currently applied, there is nothing you can do without violating it.

Re: The unsettling truth about the ‘Mostly Harmless’ hiker

#196

Earlier quoted context omitted.

How strange, just created an account to say that I am the same way and was thinking about this a lot last night. (Although, I don’t think I am emotionally abusive, as I feel my spouse demands things that are entirely unreasonable, like frequently asking me to leave work in the middle of the day to come help with something or buying a house and dog when we had less than $1,000 in our account). All I wanted my whole li…

I’m going to get downvoted for this but here goes. For a marriage to be successful, one partner has to be dominant. A marriage of equals doesn’t work and your parents (and mine) have happy relationships because this principle was followed. I converted to Islam around 8 years ago and married a Muslim woman and I could not be more happy. For the last 6 years, everyday is bliss and I’ve never performed better at work.

His marriage already has a dominant partner: his wife.

Re: The unsettling truth about the ‘Mostly Harmless’ hiker

#197

Earlier quoted context omitted.

How strange, just created an account to say that I am the same way and was thinking about this a lot last night. (Although, I don’t think I am emotionally abusive, as I feel my spouse demands things that are entirely unreasonable, like frequently asking me to leave work in the middle of the day to come help with something or buying a house and dog when we had less than $1,000 in our account). All I wanted my whole li…

I’m going to get downvoted for this but here goes. For a marriage to be successful, one partner has to be dominant. A marriage of equals doesn’t work and your parents (and mine) have happy relationships because this principle was followed. I converted to Islam around 8 years ago and married a Muslim woman and I could not be more happy. For the last 6 years, everyday is bliss and I’ve never performed better at work.

[deleted]

Re: The unsettling truth about the ‘Mostly Harmless’ hiker

#198

Earlier quoted context omitted.

How strange, just created an account to say that I am the same way and was thinking about this a lot last night. (Although, I don’t think I am emotionally abusive, as I feel my spouse demands things that are entirely unreasonable, like frequently asking me to leave work in the middle of the day to come help with something or buying a house and dog when we had less than $1,000 in our account). All I wanted my whole li…

I’m going to get downvoted for this but here goes. For a marriage to be successful, one partner has to be dominant. A marriage of equals doesn’t work and your parents (and mine) have happy relationships because this principle was followed. I converted to Islam around 8 years ago and married a Muslim woman and I could not be more happy. For the last 6 years, everyday is bliss and I’ve never performed better at work.

As salaamu alaikum. I love you. Thank you for sharing this post and making the most profound comment that I have read on this site, bar none.

It is strange to assume that two people who are different by their very nature can be “equal”. The sense of equality between a man and a woman can only come about by the fulfillment of the rights that exist between the two of them, which are different but have to be observed reciprocally.

The problem is that we (meaning humanity at large) are totally unaware of the rights that we owe to each other. Not just in the household, but outside of it as well. Worst of all, we are unaware of the rights that are due to our Creator.

May Allah, the One who is Most Gracious, strengthen you and your wife. Ameen.

Re: The unsettling truth about the ‘Mostly Harmless’ hiker

#199
post #185

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’m going to get downvoted for this but here goes. For a marriage to be successful, one partner has to be dominant. A marriage of equals doesn’t work and your parents (and mine) have happy relationships because this principle was followed. I converted to Islam around 8 years ago and married a Muslim woman and I could not be more happy. For the last 6 years, everyday is bliss and I’ve never performed better at work.

Well you're certainly right that it's easy to want to downvote your statement. I'd like to learn: Can you explain what the advantages of the dominant marriages are? Since you mention Islam, I assume you're the dominant one. I'm going to assume your wife is happy in her role. Do you think the female can be the dominant one in a relationship, too, or how is that decided?

Not my post, but if I may I’d like to offer my input, please.

The word “dominance” seems to carry a negative connotation in the context of interpersonal relationships. There a lot of historical factors that are the cause of this and it's beyond the scope of this conversation to delve deeply into that.

Nonetheless, as far as Islam is concerned, it is the role of the man to wield the influence/be dominant in his household. This is by virtue of his responsibilities -- his attachment to the Masjid (or “Mosque” in the West), his duty to earn a living for the household and his duty as an educator and paragon of good character, not just in the home but in his community as well.

The word “dominance” may suggest a sense of oppression in modern times. But in the scope of Islam, that husband who is “dominant” in reality eschews all reprehensible conduct that could be associated with the word.

As I mentioned before, yes, in Islam there are expectations on the Muslim wife. But likewise there are expectations (if not more) on the Muslim husband. Again, that Muslim man assumes dominance in the household out of the necessity that is to submit himself both internally and externally to the conduct of the Prophet Muhammad (peace and prayers be upon him).

The advantages of this lie in the husband assuming his natural role as prescribed by Allah and exemplified by the Messenger of Allah (peace and prayers be upon him). If the situation were to be reversed, then this could not be the case. If anything, the man would not just be neglecting his duties as a husband, but as a Muslim as well. If the situation were to be reversed, it would behove the woman to instead leverage this dominance in order to encourage her husband to fulfill the rights he owes to her and to humanity. If he accepts this, then the natural order as described above would inevitably fall into place.

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